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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Celebrity Contributions to Humanity |
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| Posted by Ted Hampson on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Celebrity Contributions to Humanity16> Peter Jackson -- Made 99 percent of men the world over look slim, well-groomed and stylish!
15> Paris Hilton -- Reached out to the youth of rural America and gave them an alternative to sleeping with their 4-H projects.
14> Donald Trump -- Showed us all what a bad hair day *really* is.
13> Francis Ford Coppola -- Produced a wine that should only take a year to ferment, but instead takes five years and comes in $10,000,000 over budget.
12> Pam Anderson -- Quietly and without complaint, she volunteered to store the nation's silicone surplus.
11> The Rock -- Steered evolution back toward important genetic mate-selection features like eyebrow-muscle control.
10> Rush Limbaugh -- Has assisted bulimics for 20 years and counting.
9> Kim Basinger and Angelina Jolie -- Showed society that girls with unsightly, overweight lips can lead normal, healthy lives.
8> Alec Baldwin -- Taught millions of Americans that the actual location of France is, in fact, right here in the good old USA.
7> Bill Gates -- Made home computing stable and problem-freERROR. THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY.
6> Arnold Schwarzenegger -- Married the daughter of, and thus appeased, humanity's most dangerous enemy: Skeletor!
5> Anna Nicole Smith -- Proved once and for all that bigger isn't *always* better.
4> Michael Jackson -- Continuously provides tantalizing evidence of the possibility of extra-terrestrial life.
3> Jessica Simpson -- Proved to young girls everywhere that you can achieve anything if you just put your breasts to it.
2> Mel Gibson -- Alerted the world to the cruel and unusual nature of crucifixion, leading to the discontinuation of the practice in the United States.
1> Paul Lynde -- Invented the deadly art of Sneer Fu.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Ellsworth on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Least Cool Ways to Die16> Accidentally stabbing yourself in the eye with a spork. Twice.
15> Buried alive beneath a collapsed pile of your rare "Party of Five" memorabilia.
14> Unemployed, wearing pajamas, eating Pringles, in the middle of typing TopFive submi$(*%&(*%&(*$&%)
13> Of starvation, alone on an island -- after everyone else has been voted off it.
12> Struck by a piccolo during a band-camp brawl.
11> Shortly after opening a spam e-mail message reading, "Congratulations, brother! You may already be the new leader of Hamas!"
10> Auto-erotic asphyxiation while watching reruns of "Mama's Family."
9> "See, these are not wild tigers; they're just wittle kittens who wuv to be kissed on their wittle white noses!"
8> Smothered by your own man-boobs while hanging upside-down on your kids' swingset.
7> Crushed during a stampede at a Raffi concert.
6> Heart attack while celebrating Brian Boitano nailing a quad salchow.
5> Crushed beneath the wheels of a Nash Metropolitan driven by an old, old woman with her false teeth in upside down and a Chihuahua in a clown costume on the fake-zebra-skin-covered passenger seat.
4> Extreme old age. (Keith Richards only)
3> Fatal allergic reaction to your Klingon latex body paint during your presentation at the comi-con.
2> Having your neck snapped by a vicious slap from an enraged Clay Aiken.
1> Choking on a pretzel -- but hey, what are the odds of *that*?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs an Airline No Longer Gives a Crap |
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| Posted by Jenks on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs an Airline No Longer Gives a Crap15> Free drinks for sky marshals.
14> Any flight attendant who really moved her tail for you has already switched to Hooters Air.
13> Instead of an in-flight movie, the flight crew acts out scenes from "Seabiscuit."
12> You watch as ash falls from the flight attendant's cigar into the plastic cup as she pours the pilot another shot of cheap rum.
11> Barf bag contents become Chinese cuisine on the next leg of the trip.
10> "... and if you look out the right side of the plane, you'll see some lovely matched luggage plummeting into the ocean."
9> Three words: Air Penny Marshall
8> Not only do overweight people have to pay higher fares, so do ugly people, loud people, smelly people, New Yorkers, game show hosts, people named "Dennis," anyone who liked the movie "You've Got Mail" and Gwyneth Paltrow.
7> The flight attendants don't even bother to clean up after passengers defecate on the snack cart.
6> A maintenance technician removes the emergency slide for use at his daughter's pool party.
5> Your flight to L.A. lands at every Stuckey's between Nashville and Flagstaff.
4> During the safety demo, instead of using the prop provided by the airline, the flight attendant grabs the oxygen mask off of the old guy in the first row.
3> Your request for connection information gets you: "Sure, your lips and my ass."
2> The pilot announces that the flight will be delayed until he's done with the flight attendant.
1> "If anyone on board knows Arabic, the captain would like your help playing a little trick on those whiny brats in the control tower."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 20 Things Overheard at TopFive's 10th Anniversary Party |
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| Posted by A A. A on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Things Overheard at TopFive's 10th Anniversary Party
20> "I'm telling you even if Gandalf was a 12th-level wizard, my half-elf paladin could kick his ass any day."
19> "Oh, wow, you're Bill Muse? That is SO cool! Say something funny!"
18> "From what I heard, the stocks were still falling when the repo guys took the TopFive helicopter."
17> "Okay, which one of you jokers hid the weapons of mass intoxication?"
16> "Sorry, sir, only members of the '20 #1-Club' and female contributors allowed past this point."
15> "Hey, wait a minute, there's more than three layers in this three-layer bean dip!"
14> "Waiter, could you make that 200 separate checks, please?"
13> "2004 -- what a great year! TopFive's 10th anniversary and the Olsen twins turn 18."
12> "Who brought the monkey?" "Monkey? That's Hollister!"
11> "...so then Chris said, 'Give me one good reason why I shouldn't boot you outta here,' and I said, 'I'll give you 30 reasons, split over two days 'cause I'm lazy, then I'll throw in some lame-ass leftover reasons to make you think you're getting your money's worth!'"
10> "I can beat that easily: I haven't been laid in almost *three* years."
9> "And this is a photo of my youngest daughter, Chester."
8> "Yeah, sure, that's really interesting, Pat. Say, did you bring Vanna?"
7> "All right, c'mon in. Just make sure youse don't look Mr. White in the eyes."
6> "Bartender, trust me on this one: Whatever you do, don't make any hurricanes!"
5> "I swear: Muse came out of Chris' room, saw his pants were down and scampered back in. That means 10 more years of Muse #1s!"
4> "And Mr. White has given us this fine great goose to enjoy. God bless us every one!"
3> "Oooooooooh, Mr. Moneybags has his own apartment."
2> "Okay, officer, we'll promise to keep the noise down if *you* promise that ALL YOUR WEAPONS ARE BELONG TO US!"
1> "Who's the tall guy in the poodle skirt?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows |
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| Posted by Chris P. Bacon on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows
15> Mork & Mindy: Mork is detained by the Department of Homeland Security.
14> Star Trek: Kirk introduces nurse Chapel to his "personal phaser" and sets it to vibrate.
13> Gomer Pyle, USMC: "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" Gomer has trouble keeping a "don't ask, don't tell" secret.
12> M*A*S*H: Radar finally loses his virginity after the 4077th gets a shipment of sheep.
11> All in the Family: Gloria threatens to divorce Michael unless he changes his nickname to Vegetablehead.
10> Cheers: It's pot-luck night and Woody brings a hookah. "High"-jinks ensue.
9> Howdy Doody: Howdy faces his draft-dodging past when confronted by his decorated Korean War veteran brother, Tourov.
8> The Love Boat: A surprise mutiny results in Captain Stubing being hung from the yardarm as Isaac the bartender's reign of terror begins.
7> My Mother the Car: Feeling old and unattractive, Mother has some new "air bags" installed.
6> Bewitched: Mrs. Kravitz catches Samantha in bed with both Darrins at the same time.
5> The Honeymooners: In an ironic twist, Alice is chosen to be the first woman to participate in the space program.
4> Green Acres: Arnold comes down with mad pig disease.
3> Three's Company: Jack overhears something shocking and rather than jumping to conclusions, asks if he might have misunderstood. The crisis averted, the roommates spend the rest of the episode tending to their pet rock.
2> Lassie: Timmy's "Fire Hydrant" Halloween costume is accidentally ruined.
1> The Brady Bunch: Marcia's plan to make extra money as a "lady of the evening" goes awry when serial murderer Sam the Butcher becomes her first customer.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code |
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| Posted by The Breather on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code16> The number of stars in a Norman Rockwell painting represents the number of times he got to bang the housewife.15> Painted as a coded rebuke of Catholicism, each poker-playing dog represents a different pope.14> Nostradamus embellished his original prediction, which stated merely: HAZY IS THE REPLY, LATER THOU MUST TRY.13> In the Boulevard of Broken Dreams painting of Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart and James Dean in a diner, Jimi Hendrix was in the men's room taking a leak.12> As part of a Satanic pact, Ben Stiller and Ben Affleck are assigned to signal the arrival of Armageddon when the combined number of their box office flops reaches 666.11> Reading every seventh word from Shakespeare's Hamlet provides a recipe for a killer five-alarm chili.10> A cheap Rolex knock-off purchased on the streets of Manhattan inspired Dali to paint Persistence of Memory.9> The Last Supper shows the disciples prefer the blood of Christ over Coke in a blind taste test.8> The physical motions of the macarena, viewed in a mirror, represent the American Sign Language translation of The Godfather.7> Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam was conceived under the working title Hey Adam, Come Over Here and Pull Your Creator's Finger!6> Monet changed his name to Manet in an attempt to elude creditors.5> The background of Edvard Munch's The Scream is obviously Neverland Ranch.4> Jesus' middle name was Herman.3> Duchamp's original idea for Nude Descending a Staircase was squelched by his beloved model when she refused to slide down the handrail wearing only a cowboy hat, boots and spurs.2> In Mondrian's abstract Composition No. 10, the red square is totally faking it.1> A race of people with both eyes on the same side of their noses controlled Spain throughout much of the 20th century. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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