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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our NRA Seminar List |
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| Posted by Kate Edwards on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our NRA Seminar List[Punctuation and spelling belong to the authors, not the editor.]16> I THINK THAT THOSES SAYINGS ARE PREVERTED.15> Yeah, I own a civilian AK. I own a civilian AR. And a buncha other toys.14> [1st message] it is not a notion you moron, it is called the 2nd Admendment to the Constitution.....enough said. [2nd message] ok I feel stupid, I misspelled amendment, DOH!13> Every opinion provokes an equal but opposite opinion, whether you want it to or not.12> Making fun of a pack of squealing girly-men's pwecious wittle guns is sure to attract dozens upon dozens of quasi-coherent Randyan rants and buffoonish threats to water the apparently parched Tree of Liberty with gallon's of one's blood. 11> YOU HAVE ALREADY VIOLATED MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT BY TELLING ME NOT TO WRITE AND NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS AS WELL10> Didn't know you were a bunch of liberal pansies.9> Do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?8> There may not be a vast gobal conspirocy to ban guns, [...]7> I'm leaving your Top 5 list because I think you're a pinko bastard.6> Go f**k yourself you moron.5> Bite It. Stupid people who don't seem to rember if it wasn't for guns then ythis country would not be here today.4> Another point is that if I write a sentence of the form, Because blah blah blah, X You can't say that because of the exact nature of the blah, blah, blah, not X, or Y was meant instead of X. 3> If you aren't prepared to eat your neibor's cat, you aren't prepared.2> I do not condone anyone for their choices.1> I tell you what buddy I own tons of guns and I kill poor little defensless animals and I happen to have a huge Pecker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999, 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by will on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Desperate Tourism Slogans16> Come for the Squalor, Stay for the Stonings! 15> We Put the Host in Hostage 14> Okay, What If We *Were* the Last Place on Earth? Huh? What THEN, Smart Boy?!? 13> Come Join the Search for Our Weapons of Mass Destruction! 12> As Seen on the Discovery Channel's Shark Week 11> Genital Mutilation -- With a Smile! 10> So Much Fun, We Can't Even Get Your Soldiers to Leave! 9> Why Pay Exorbitant Spa Prices? Try Our Montezuma Weight-Loss Plan! 8> Cannibalism, Schmannibalism 7> For Your Convenience, Our Syphilitic, Toothless, Mentally Unstable Prostitutes Now Accept Visa! 6> Hey, Disneyland's Not the Only Place in the World With Giant Rodents 5> Become Nebraska's 1000th Tourist and We'll Put You on Our State Quarter! 4> That Smell? Why, It's Old-World Charm!! 3> Yes, That's Dog in the Stew, But It's *Free Range* Dog 2> Our Customs Officers Have Small, Girlish Hands 1> Ethnically Cleansed for Your Protection [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends |
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| Posted by Crissie D. Craig on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends15> Now which one of you is the backstabbing slut and which is the brainless gossip who doesn't know when to shut up?14> Outfitting the guest room in style: Smoked-glass mirrored headboard on the queen-sized waterbed and 90-thread-count NASCAR sheets.13> Frisking them for weapons every half hour.12> Offering to help the guys repaint their living room a color that's a little less gay.11> Relying too heavily on the purty mouth family of comments.10> Staring down their blouses while saying in a low voice, You got any biscuits in there?9> Surprising his buddies by bringing out a lovely Super Bowl halftime luncheon of pickled okra and watercress finger sandwiches. On Hello Kitty plates.8> Shooting Jodie Foster.7> Nice try, there, sweetheart -- but let me show you how we professionals roll a burrito down at Taco Bell.6> Look, can we skip all this small talk and just get down to doing shots? I don't know how much longer I can stand you all sober.5> No, we haven't had sex yet -- or as we call it in Klingon, 'nga'chug.'4> When playing charades, pointing emphatically at one of them as your clue, then revealing that the secret phrase was butt-ugly conniving money-hungry skank-ass ho.3> Singing the lyrics to Styx songs in pig Latin.2> Privately confiding you've been knocking at her back door, but she won't answer.1> Presenting them all with friendship bracelets woven from your own pubic hair. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up |
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| Posted by K T. C on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up
16> They've begun moving into the basements of their parents' retirement homes.
15> 7-Eleven now offering early-bird specials on Jolt Cola and microwave
burritos.
14> Raves now start at 5 p.m. and break up by 9 p.m. -- just in time for "The
West Wing."
13> "Doom IV" now officially an Olympic event.
12> Ross and Rachel have moved to rural Vermont and are solving petty crimes
with Sheriff Tom Bosley in the new series, "Old Friends."
11> "MTV's Real World: Suburban Omaha."
10> They're trading in their mosh-pit bangings for Sunday afternoon games of
no-contact, non-competitive Ultimate Frisbee.
9> A panicky Larry King quickly learns to kiss Tony Hawk's ass.
8> Out: Stone Temple Pilots. In: Tso Temple Pilates.
7> The playlist this morning on your dentist's Muzak system: Fugazi, Pearl Jam,
Nirvana and Green Day.
6> Out: Goth 24/7. In: Roth 401(k).
5> Getting sex more than twice a week now qualifies as an "Xtreme" event.
4> New Mountain Dew Code Blue
3> Then: acid-washed denim. Now: acid-washed duodenum.
2> All those gray goatees are giving you a permanent KFC jones.
1> They're ready to FIGHT for their RIGHT to PUDDING.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Rejected Advertising Slogans for Summer Movies |
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| Posted by Wrench Oh Six Two Six on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Rejected Advertising Slogans for Summer Movies16. The X-Files: "The Merchandise is Out There."
15. Can't Hardly Wait: "**** - Pedophile Weekly"
14. The Horse Whisperer: "Filmed in Glorious Viagra-Rama"
13. Almost Heroes: "Almost Watchable!"
12. Godzilla: "His turds are bigger than your Winnebago."
11. The Horse Whisperer: "It's like 'The Electric Horseman', but this time Bob's only stunts involve bladder control."
10. Saving Private Ryan: "Serious-Schindler-Spielberg, Not Cool-Dinosaurs-Spielberg."
9. The Horse Whisperer: "Just keepin' the chicks happy between asteroids."
8. Hope Floats: "Never mind the Sex Pistols; here's the Bullock"
7. Godzilla: "The last time a film sucked this much, Traci Lords was in it."
6. 6 Days, 7 Nights: "Try to guess what Anne Heche is thinking about while she kisses Harrison Ford!"
5. The Horse Whisperer: "Take Your Woman To See This, And She'll Owe You Sex For Months!"
4. Black Dog: "No one with a three digit IQ admitted without a country & western singer."
3. The X-Files: "Like you could stay away if you tried, Nerd Boy!"
2. He Got Game: "But he ain't got passing SAT scores!"
1. A Perfect Murder: "Two Thumbs Up! - O.J."
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| Posted by Charles W. Menge on 14-Aug-2005 | Confucious"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."
"Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."
"Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Work to become, not to acquire."
"Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."
"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."
"Find old man in dark, not hard!"
"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
"Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose."
"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."
"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser."
"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Confucius say too God damn much!"
"Those who quote me are fools."
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
"War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
"Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"
"Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth."
"Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag."
"Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face."
"Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly."
"Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night"
"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."
"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok"
"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time."
"Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent
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