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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part II) |
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| Posted by richelle on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part II)16> "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
15> "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
14> "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys' room."
13> "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
12> "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
11> "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
10> "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight."
9> "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
8> "Who let the dogies out?"
7> "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
6> "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
5> "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
4> "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"
3> "Dammit, Jake, yer an enabler!"
2> "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
1> "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part I) |
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| Posted by Goth Chik on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part I)16> "As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown in the middle of town. The liability issues are staggering."
15> "Well me, the construction worker, and my sailor buddy are here to tell y'all, it's *fun* to go to the YMCA!"
14> "Take it from me, Festus, a good pair o' nylons keeps the chaps from riding up."
13> "Barkeep! Another round of Slippery Nipples for my posse."
12> "Miss Kitty, I don't think I've ever seen stirrups used quite like that before."
11> "In this town we got a way to deal with murderin' scum like you, Bart -- civil litigation!"
10> "Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?"
9> "Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen our women... but considering what we've done to THEM, I think they're showing remarkable self-restraint."
8> "You had me at 'Howdy.'"
7> "Yeah, I'm sure he was an Indian -- his name was Amandip Gupta."
6> "That's *Sheriff* Richard Simmons to you, pardner."
5> "I cain't go in the saloon! Brown Bart's wearin' the same shirt I'm a-wearin'!"
4> "They call me... Moesha."
3> "Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain't gonna have no room for the tiramisu!"
2> "Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at sundown!"
1> "reach 4 the sky! :-O put all ur $$$ in the bag, lol."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Pussy Licker on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Greatest Stoner Inventions15> Caramel Toothpaste
14> Dancing Hula Girl Rosary Beads
13> Combination Salad Shooter/De-Seeder
12> Automatic Coats-Anything-With-Peanut-Butter Machine
11> Supply-Side Economics
10> "Waitin' For My F***ing Ham" Kitchen Timer
9> "You don't get it, man? It's like a fork *and* a spoon! A 'Foon'!"
8> Binaca-Flavored Visine
7> A TV set with a Teletubby in its middle.
6> The NASA Channel
5> Tie-Dye Contact Lenses
4> Barbie Dream House Smoke Alarm
3> Iron-On Tattoos
2> The Mood Thong
1> "Chips Ahoy. Chipsahoy. No, wait. Chip Sahoy. Hee hee. Chipsahoy! Oh, man."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies |
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| Posted by tinmil on 13-Aug-2005 | Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
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| Posted by Star Shooter on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs You're Dead14> Goth chicks are diggin' your look.
13> "Weekend at Bernie's" just isn't as funny as it used to be.
12> Only necrophiliacs answer your personal ad.
11> A federal agent is prying your gun from your cold hands.
10> Last thing you remember is beaming down to that planet in your red security uniform.
9> An announcer screams, "The Cubs win the World Series!"
8> Haley Joel Osment has been following you all day saying, "I see... you."
7> You're the rankest smelling thing in a Parisian cheese shop.
6> You have a vague recollection of saying, "Watch this! I saw it on 'Jackass'!"
5> Your entrepreneurial son opens you up as a bait shop.
4> Overwhelming desire to feast on the flesh of the living. (Also a sign you may be Don King.)
3> You're one of the *thin* Kennedys.
2> Anna Nicole Smith is hugging, crying, and kissing you as never before.
1> Album sales up 35%!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Questions You'd Rather Not Be Asked |
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| Posted by Ryan D. Bloom on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Questions You'd Rather Not Be Asked14> "You were, uh, *born* a man, right?"
13> "Are you going to tell me the secret code, or am I going to have to assume you're an alien and blast you?"
12> "You and your wife were never very big on that 'exclusive' thing, right?"
11> "Where were you on the night Ms. Tripp was impregnated?"
10> "Can you help me carry this across the street? It's not very infected, just a little slippery."
9> "...and do you take this man, Orenthal James Simpson, to be your lawfully-wedded husband?"
8> "Daddy, can you tell if this pus is coming from my labia tattoo or my labia piercing?"
7> "Well, if that's not your prostate, what is it?"
6> "When did you decide to invest all your lottery winnings in Pets.com?"
5> "What made you think I was a doctor?"
4> "Weren't you wearing a condom earlier?"
3> "So, boss... does your coffee taste funny this morning?"
2> "Mr. Secretary, did the President tell the Chinese Ambassador we are maintaining a 'preventory' nuclear presence in the China Sea or a 'pre-emptory' nuclear presence?"
1> "Blindfold?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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