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The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part II)

16> "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

15> "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

14> "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys' room."

13> "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

12> "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

11> "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

10> "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight."

9> "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

8> "Who let the dogies out?"

7> "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

6> "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

5> "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

4> "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

3> "Dammit, Jake, yer an enabler!"

2> "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

1> "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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	():top list jokes (540): Just like old times

Posted by Funny D on 13-Aug-2005

Just like old times

Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950's.

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

(6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

(7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

(8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

(9) "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

(10) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with

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	():top list jokes (540): Movies simplified

Posted by Danelle L. Sandella on 13-Aug-2005

Movies simplified

Movies simplified

15. 'Pretty Woman' -- 'I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money'

14. 'Face/Off' -- 'Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!'

13. 'Leaving Las Vegas' -- 'I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute'

12. 'Interview With The Vampire' -- 'So, You Are a Lawyer?'

11. 'The Piano' -- 'Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!'

10. 'My Best Friend's Wedding' -- 'Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!'

9. 'George of the Jungle' -- 'Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals'

8. 'Scent of a Woman' -- 'Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!'

7. 'Love, Valour, Compassion!' -- 'I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie'

6. 'Babe' -- 'The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems'

5. 'Twister' -- 'Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!'

4. 'Field of Dreams' -- 'Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield'

3. 'Barb Wire' -- 'Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You'

2. 'Batman & Robin' -- 'Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy'

1. 'The Crying Game' -- 'Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!'

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	():top list jokes (540): Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean)

Posted by Jo Smith on 13-Aug-2005

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and un-fulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

In Response --

**Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean.)**

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

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	():top list jokes (540): Philosophies

Posted by Lacy M. Boyd on 13-Aug-2005

Philosophies

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me.....'We are all individuals.'

Death to all fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Werewolves

Posted by Jordan Harder on 13-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Werewolves

16> In a steamy shower, bottle of Nair looks just like bottle of shampoo.

15> Obnoxious frat boys who attempt to ruffle you with a different type of 'full moon.'

14> Jason Bateman's portrayal not quite as sympathetic as Michael J. Fox's.

13> Constant wet-dog smell on your car's upholstery.

12> Most people get all freaked out by a friendly get-acquainted crotch-sniff.

11> Confused PETA zealots and their red spray paint attacks.

10> Constant marking of territory required to keep Ed Asner and Robin Williams at bay.

9> Is that Martha Stewart anal or what?!

8> Latest Cosmo poll says back hair STILL a big turnoff.

7> Routine ass kickings from neighborhood pit bull.

6> Having to bail Warren Zevon out of the drunk tank twice a week.

5> Can't stop for a leisurely tongue bath without drawing an envious crowd.

4> Chicks don't dig human-carnage breath.

3> The grating way Barbara Walters pronounces your name.

2> Between gangs, British nannies, and O.J., nobody gives a rat's ass about a hair-covered snarling killer anymore.

and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Werewolves...

1> Just can't get the goatee to look right.

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