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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Other Things McDonald's Hasn't Told You |
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| Posted by Fred A. Tisdale on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Other Things McDonald's Hasn't Told You16> The shakes? Also fried in beef fat.
15> Tell the vegetarians to brace themselves; we have some bad news about the salads.
14> Want to avoid beef fat altogether? Try our hamburgers.
13> Mayor McCheese has had five coronary bypass surgeries.
12> Burgers that don't sell after two days spend the rest of the month as "Filet-O-Fish."
11> The Hamburglar MUST dress like that because of Megan's Law.
10> McNuggets are shaped to honor the states with lenient meat-handling laws.
9> The reason we wear rubber gloves is for OUR protection, not yours.
8> The real Ronald McDonald died in 1969, trying to wrestle the controls of a small plane from an inebriated Hamburglar.
7> We never asked; we just assumed you'd prefer it lukewarm.
6> The Bible might be a series of allegorically instructive fables, rather than historically factual accounts.
5> You can McNugget almost anything and people still think it's chicken.
4> If our lawsuit succeeds, many Irish people will lose the first two letters of their surname, as did Hammer.
3> We modeled Ronald on a painting by John Wayne Gacy.
2> Actually, seeing you smile kind of creeps us out.
1> "Okay, you got us; there aren't really any salads back here."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Tricione on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Oprah Book Club Runners Up16> Yugo Girl: Auto Repair for Empowered Women
15> Rosie O'Donnell Can Kiss My Great Big Rich Ass
14> How to Amuse Your Inner Child By Swallowing Hand Puppets
13> Men Are from Mars, Women Are from -- Ooh, Mashed Potatoes!
12> TV Personalities Who Baffle Men, and the Women Who Love Them
11> Girlfriend, You Are Like, *SO* Co-Dependent!
10> The Clever, Unappreciated Woman Who Never Marries and Dies Poor and Alone
9> You Go, Oprah!: One Author's Desperate Attempt to Make His Mortgage Payments
8> Bad Shrinks, Good Surgeons: Learning to Love the Fat Ugly Loser You'll Always Be
7> You're Not Nearly as Repulsive as You Think
6> I'm OK, You Won't Make as Much in Your Lifetime as I Make During Lunch
5> Harry Potter and the Stunningly Successful, Worldly-Wise, Mature Yet Hauntingly Alluring Talk Show Goddess
4> I'm OK, You're Skanky Roadkill
3> Bridget Jones's Diarrhea
2> Beloved 2: Electric Boogaloo
1> I Know Why the Trapped, Rabid Wolverine Bites Her Leg Off
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Least Popular Charitable Organizations |
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| Posted by Sabby A. Gurrrl on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Least Popular Charitable Organizations16> Guys Named Steve Who Could Use a Couple Extra Bucks
15> The Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Retirement Fund
14> Institute of Obsessive-Compulsive Lawn Care Zealots
13> Green Piece
12> Rappers Without Retirement Plans
11> The Anna Nicole Smith Shelter for Temporarily Homeless Gold-digging Floozies
10> United Negro Hockey Fund
9> The March of Mimes
8> The George W. Bush Literacity Fund
7> Fart-Aid
6> Partnership for a Free-Drugs America
5> The Red Crotch
4> Amnesty International House of Pancakes
3> Americans United to Buy Me a Porsche
2> Konservative Khristian Kouncil
1> The Make-A-Whip Foundation
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Israel A. Vega on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You're Not a Very Good Cook15> Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the magazine -- Aviation Disaster Weekly.
14> Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.
13> Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.
12> Your leftovers don't have an expiration date... they have a half-life.
11> When no one's looking, the dog sneaks your food to his heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.
10> The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.
9> After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling for *chicken* eggs.
8> First day in the kitchen, your job was "toast the bread." Then you were downgraded to "cut the bread." Now it's simply "stop your bleeding."
7> You still can't figure out what the hell a "tiblisp" is.
6> The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.
5> After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.
4> The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.
3> Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking gray hair.
2> Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.
1> Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and proceeds to beat you with it.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Fashion Tips From TopFive Contributors |
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| Posted by Lazerwolf91 on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Fashion Tips From TopFive Contributors12> Argyle condoms are too "busy."
11> Black suits are slimming. White suits bring out skin tone. Day-Glo prison jump suits are free from the state.
10> Damn, man... Close your robe.
9> Diagonal chainlink? Klingon! Horizontal chainlink? Just makes you look tubby.
8> Douse all garments in grape juice and pizza sauce upon purchase. Get it over with.
7> Dressing in colors that match your cubicle can render you invisible to your boss.
6> Emulating film and music stars is usually considered chic, but take my word for it -- trying to duplicate Jennifer Lopez's ass is just... not... worth it.
5> Sure, a tight black sweater looks good *now*, but what's it going to look like after the milk shoots out your nose?
4> "Days of the Week" underpants are a double-edged sword.
3> A T-shirt covered in vomit is always cleaner on the inside.
2> Plaid goes with everything; everything goes with plaid.
1> You will never wet your underwear if you do not wear underwear.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Tips for Dating the Daughter of a Mafia Guy |
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| Posted by tANIA on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Tips for Dating the Daughter of a Mafia Guy14> Get on her dad's good side by offering to start his car.
13> You might want to keep the fact that you're allergic to pasta to yourself.
12> Rest assured that if the two of you party too much, her father's men will be there to bail you out -- just like the President's daughter!
11> Keep the salami in its package.
10> Pre-break your kneecaps to render future threats pointless.
9> When her father asks how much interest you have in his daughter, offer a figure of at least 40%.
8> Remember, the 8mm Glock goes to the *right* of the dessert spoon.
7> "Getting whacked" is not the same as getting a hand job.
6> Chances are that her father won't be amused by the cotton balls in your mouth.
5> Learn to hold your breath underwater for 3-4 weeks.
4> Hands off or YOU become a soprano.
3> When her father asks if you're "using protection," show him a pistol, *not* a condom.
2> "Big Pussy" jokes aren't really appreciated.
1> Before complimenting her father's moustache, be absolutely certain it IS her father.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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