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| Posted by Demon S. Sex on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Pet Peeves of James Bond16. Tomorrow Never Dies, and neither does this blasted cold sore.
15. Despite being knighted by the Queen, still can't get a date with Baby Spice.
14. Getting harder and harder to use his nuclear-powered-heat-seeking-homing-device-in-a-cigarette in California.
13. Q's latest gadget only locates your car keys.
12. Just when you think you've finally found the right girl to settle down with, she tries to jam a pen into your throat.
11. His car may be a computerized, kick-ass arsenal, but try putting a Super Big Gulp in the cup holder.
10. Morons at Jiffy Lube always pouring windshield washer fluid in the Napalm tank.
9. Embarrassing to have girlfriend's name paged when separated at WalMart.
8. If his neighbor pulls that "Finkelbaum. Morris Finkelbaum" crap one more time, he's getting an ice pick in the forehead.
7. New Bond girl, RuPaul, always kicking his ass at arm wrestling.
6. Studio budget cutbacks have him at the wheel of a souped-up 1976 Gremlin with new Bond girl, Bea Arthur.
5. Post-Cold War villains? The evil Dr. Hemorrhoid and the Tucks Twins.
4. Always looks like a ninny in Sean Connery's big-ass shoes.
3. Wet spot in bed usually contains bullet hole.
2. Picture on "License to Kill" looks terrible.
1. Increasing competition for beautiful women spies from American agent Double-Chin-Bubba.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Disney Excuses for Using Haitian Sweatshops |
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| Posted by Bugs Bunny on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Disney Excuses for Using Haitian Sweatshops!6. "Asian sweatshops all booked solid with Nike orders, and Kathie Lee beat us to the Hondurans."
15. "How else could we keep the price of a Disneyworld hot dog at a low $6.25?"
14. "It's super-taxfree-imperialistic-export-price-bodacious."
13. "They're a helluva lot cheaper than those lazy Taiwanese!"
12. "You mean Papa Doc and Baby Doc weren't cartoon characters?"
11. "Hey! When we had a bunch of dwarves working all day in a mine, you thought it was *cute*!"
10. "How the #$@$@%& else can we put a $3 toy in a $2.50 Happy Meal?"
9. "It's a Capitalist world, after all... and we're an uncaring, cheapass company."
8. "Crappiest Place On Earth" sign over factory entrance never fails to make that scamp Eisner giggle on visits.
7. "We're just trying to earn our 'Pirates of the Caribbean' title."
6. "It's all we could afford after we paid those Korean animators 17 cents an hour to make 'The Lion King.'"
5. "It gives those losers at Top 5 something to whine about."
4. "We prefer to think of them as 'enchanted sewing cottages.'"
3. "Mr. Eisner gets a kick out of the fact that the entire factory makes less per day than he makes each time he blinks his eyes."
2. "Hatians learn much more quickly than our second choice, Canadians."
1. "Zip-a-dee-do-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay! 16-hours-for-a-dollar-a-day!"
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| Posted by Queen V on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians15. Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
14. No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
13. Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
12. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
11. Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
10. Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
9. Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
8. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
7. Toe tag paper cuts.
6. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
5. Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
4. Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
3. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
2. Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"
1. Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
[ This list copyright 1997, 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by chrissy on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Things Overherd at the CDA HearingsCDA Common Decency Act.
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE CDA HEARINGS From the judges' chambers to the stairwells in the Supreme Court itself, we have the top ten things heard at the CDA appeal hearings:
10. I can't define it, but I know it when I download it.
9. Does this mean the Paula Jones Web site will be taken down?
8. I don't know about you, but I'm moving my site to Moldovia.
7. Well, at least the children can still buy guns.
6. So will Courtney Love play Donna Rice Hughes in "The Net vs. Larry Flynt?"
5. Don't you just love the ACLU--defenders of truth, freedom, and www.perverts.com?
4. Oh man, I'd give anything to see Clarence Thomas's bookmark list.
3. But sir, I have no pornograph!
2. Does anybody really think the CDA can outsmart a horny 14-year-old?
1. Somebody tell Senator Exon he can stop with the research already
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways to Beat the Heat in Hollywood |
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| Posted by Seamus G. Beirne on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways to Beat the Heat in Hollywood15. Pee Wee Herman: Duck into an adult movie theater... huh?... Oh, *heat*??... Nevermind.
14. Robert Downey, Jr. only breaks into houses with pools.
13. George Clooney: Crushed ice in the ol' bat-codpiece.
12. Marlon Brando: Lay on the beach until a crowd gathers to pull you back into the water.
11. Tim Allen and Kelsey Grammer: Vodka Frappuccinos.
10. O.J. Simpson: Enjoy the chilly stares and icy receptions.
9. Axl Rose: Four gallons of crank and a couple hookers usually does the trick.
8. Tori Spelling: Install intracranial fan to keep air circulating.
7. Enjoying a nice palm frond fan by otherwise unemployed Pam Dawber.
6. Menage a trois with Ice Cube and Ice T.
5. Michael Jackson has another layer of skin removed.
4. Playing Frisbee with Burt Reynolds' toupee in the shade of Dolly Parton.
3. Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman: Lighten that heavy purse at the nearest Scientology deposit box.
2. Frank Gifford: Find hotel near the sea. Remove pants.
1. Pamela Anderson Lee: Drain saline. Replace with Slurpees.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station |
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| Posted by Insane Wizard on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station15. Breakfast, lunch & dinner, every day -- Van DeCamp's Pork-and-Beans-in-a-tube.
14. "Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy..."
13. Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're talking about, Comrade Dave."
12. The Benetton and the Starbucks were bad enough, but that new yuppie cigar bar is really stinkin' up the place.
11. Ever since Joel left the show, it just hasn't been as funny.
10. Latest addition to the onboard crew? Some French guy who brought 200 cartons of cigarettes.
9. Mission Control announces they're going to attempt a tricky docking maneuver with the Space Shuttle Kevorkian.
8. Space station's warranty expired 3,834,621 miles ago.
7. Tang and Stoli screwdrivers have lost their kick.
6. The damage is repairable, but ever since the collision, "Comrade Wussky" has been shrieking nonstop.
5. After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile High" club.
4. It's down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.
3. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.
2. Spice Girls on the holodeck.
1. That last little collision not only set off the emergency warning, it ruined the last of your clean boxer shorts.
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