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| Posted by pyro_chaos78102 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Scenes Cut from "Titanic"16. Hilarity ensues when someone replaces the life jackets with whoopee cushions.
15. Right after the ship hits the iceberg, the Captain hits the First Mate over the head with his cap, saying "Gilligan, you idiot!"
14. P-Funk Mothership descends on the quarterdeck and plays "Aqua Boogie" while Sir Nose d'Voidoffunk wails that he can't swim.
13. Twenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet's implants for safety.
12. Crazy French skunk sneaks on board and tries to romance Rose's black cat, who rubbed against a freshly-painted white pole.
11. Sexy young Strom Thurmond is saved when his new friend, Sven, the handsome Swedish steward, heroically gives up his lifeboat seat.
10. Battle over survivors breaks out between the "Carpathia" and the "Kevorkian."
9. Gopher, Isaac, and Doc escaping on a lifeboat with some stolen jewels and divorcees Karen Valentine, Connie Stevens and Charo.
8. At the 2:20 minutes mark, dinner guest #5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, "Will this damned thing ever end?!?"
7. A computer-generated Herve Villachaise screaming, "De berg, Boss, de berg!"
6. Fearing theme song will "go on forever," Celine Dion's grandmother leaps from lifeboat.
5. The evil fianc?© reveals that he's Jack's father and suggests they overthrow the Captain and rule the ship together as father and son.
4. Kathie Lee belting out, "If they could see me drown..."
3. Blooper in which Marlon Brando's "iceberg" makeup slips off.
2. Wanting his Scotch "on the rocks," First Mate Skippy Hazelwood deliberately steers the ship into the iceberg.
1. Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.
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| Posted by Champ on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 15 Signs You're Dating a Control Freak15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.
14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.
13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"
12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.
11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.
10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 pm Monday night.
9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say."
8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."
7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.
6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"
5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."
4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.
3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.
2. His TV remote has a PIN number.
1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.
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| Posted by Brent Lybbert on 14-Aug-2005 | 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
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| Posted by K. Caplan on 14-Aug-2005 | Ways To Be Offensive At A Funeral1.Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was a Viking S&M session
2.Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3.Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
4.Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
5.At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo.
6.Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
7. Ask the widow to give you an enema.
8.Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11.Place a golf ball into the mouth of the deceased..... PAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12.Slip a whoopee cushion under the deceased.
13.Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15.Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16.Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Drawbacks of a Long-Distance Relationship |
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| Posted by Kevin M. Pinto on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Drawbacks of a Long-Distance Relationship14. You have to start faking orgasms just to keep the phone bill down.
13. Disconcerting to hear a stranger breathlessly answer the phone while "Love the One You're With" plays in the background.
12. Every time you hang up, you know she's *69ing someone.
11. Established pattern: Meet in airport, spend two days in custody for public lewdness.
10. Now that AT&T has placed an account executive in your apartment, you're constantly being chided for "holding back" when expressing your feelings.
9. Awfully hard to storm out when you need him to drive you to the airport.
8. You need an alarm clock without his "morning appendage" poking you in the back at 6AM.
6. It doesn't matter who visits whom, *someone* is violating their parole.
5. That "You hang up first," "No, YOU hang up first" crap is really only funny the first two or three hundred times.
4. No matter how much Viagra you take, the distance is still too damn far.
3. FedEx's drug-sniffing dogs, apparently unable to distinguish panties from cocaine, keep freaking over your Letter-Paks.
2. That awkward moment when she faxes you home to meet Mom and Dad.
1. All of the carpal, none of the tunnel.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Al Coholic on 14-Aug-2005 | Ways to Tell if You're Stuck in the 80's1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister
2. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack
3. you think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome"
4. you're still bitter that Wham! broke up
5. Punky Brewster is your hero
6. you type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64
7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster's
8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man
9. you're building your own Clockwork Smurf
10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video
12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms
13. you wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks
14. you call all motorcycle cops "Ponch"
15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks
16. you're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up
17. you know who Stinky Sullivan is
18. you work out with "Get in Shape Girl"
19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up
20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
21. you know who Loverboy is
22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion
23. you think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis"
24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder
25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame !"
26. you still have a shoe box full of Garbage Pail Kid cards
27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born in the USA" the national anthem
28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine
29. you know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma
30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The Neverending Story"
31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak
32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare
33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
34. you can name all The Wuzzles
35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair
36. you can do the Safety Dance
37. in your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club 2"
38. you like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. your prized possession is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks
41. you know whose number is 867-5309
42. you get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career
43. you're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control
44. you drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to
45. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century
46. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train
47. you want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers
48. you still watch things on Beta
49. you want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
50. you know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a TV show
51. your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on"
52. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house
53. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos
54. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act
55. you liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser
56. you know which Hollywood Square Jim J Bullock was in
57. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
58. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts
59. you're still wondering who really was the boss
60. you know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for
61. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the physical challenge
62. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag
63. you still drink New Coke 64. when you watch "Terminator 2" you wonder where Vincent is
65. you know ALF's real name
66. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eye shadow and feathered bangs
67. you can name all of the Thundercats
68. you got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese
69. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
70. your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann
71. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out
72. you're planning a dream vacation to Mepos
73. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home
74. you know the original members of Menudo
75. sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love
76. when you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back
77. you remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion"
78. you know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.
79. people are constantly gagging you with spoons
80. your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian"
81. the only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes
82. you still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date
83. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital
84. you know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from
85. you have "We Are the World" on 45
86. you're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik
87. you can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you
88. you watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs, that's for sure"
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