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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs |
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| Posted by JERRY WIGGINS on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs
16> Takes phone calls only if the caller agrees to do a hit of helium first.
15> Spent the last 15 minutes of yesterday's show clearing his throat.
14> His response to every caller: "Dave's not here, man."
13> Cannot refer to Eli Lilly without adding the phrase "makers of some mighty fine sh*t."
12> "Microphones! There are microphones everywhere!!"
11> Every call is screened through a rigorous "Are you a cop? You sure? You gotta say so or else it's entrapment, man!" line of questioning.
10> Claims he can do his show "with half my stash hidden under my bed just to make it fair."
9> While interviewing Barbara Bush, constantly refers to her son as George Washington and adds how much "you two dudes look alike."
8> He's talking into an iced-tea spoon.
7> Ted Nugent cuts the interview short and advises the host to "try decaf."
6> He's on a seven-second delay even when he's OFF the air.
5> Refuses to give out the show's telephone number because "The Man can trace it, dude!"
4> Takes payola only in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.
3> Calls for drastic retaliation against Arab states for their nuking of Arizona and the poisoning of President Palmer.
2> Can't stop giggling long enough to hear what "Dick in Buffalo" has to say.
1> Begins every news segment with: "First, let's go to my beeper for a quick look at the traffic."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by jokekiller on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Other Celebrity-Endorsed Products
12> Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge -- Life Savers' Five Flavors of Terror Alertness
11> Britney Spears and Madonna -- Breath Savers
10> Giorgio Armani -- Italian Dressing
9> George Bush -- Boggle
8> Robert Downey, Jr. -- Super Shootin' Smacks, the Intravenous Breakfast Cereal
7> Arnold Schwarzenegger -- Kleenex Tissues With Lotion
6> David Beckham (circa 2034) -- Old Spice
5> Ted Williams -- Sub-Zero Freezers
4> Michael Jackson -- Mr. Potato Head
3> Bob Dylan -- voice recognition software
2> David Crosby -- seed catalogs
1> Kevin Bacon -- Sixth Degree Geneology-Tracking Services
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 25 Reasons for the Absurdly Long Delay of the TopFive Book |
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| Posted by Wreckd on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 25 Reasons for the Absurdly Long Delay of the TopFive Book
25> There's been no delay; that's just the quaaludes talking, dude.
24> It took that long just to remember all the lists. You think we write this crap down?
23> Chris was busy with his day job: translating the Harry Potter book series into Pig Latin.
22> Prima donnas Muse and Hollister held out for a piece of the movie rights.
21> Ecstreemly difikult to find proffreders among TopFive contributers.
20> Chris had precious little free time because of all those extra shifts down at the 7-Eleven.
19> Printers inexplicably kept hacking every list down to a paltry five items.
18> Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, comes between Chris and his daily Macarenaerobics classes.
17> Like a typical man, Chris steadfastly refused to stop and ask for directions.
16> Hey, man, *you* try getting a million monkeys to lay off the Shakespeare-writing and poo-flinging long enough to edit a book.
15> Friggin' hurricane list kept fouling the presses.
14> Chris was too busy burning incense and paying tribute at the altar of Rip Taylor.
13> Greedy bastard Rosenberg kept holding out for additional 1/238th of cent royalty per book.
12> Courtesy delay so as not to knock Stephen King's latest from the top spot on the N.Y. Times Bestseller list.
11> Kept holding out for one more Clinton scandal.
10> With a little careful planning, a publisher's advance can finance a surprisingly long hookers-and-coke bender.
9> Technical difficulties: The TopFive deflector dish emitted a tachyon beam which tore a temporal rift in the fabric of space/time, repeatedly jettisoning the books into the future.
8> Took that long for Oprah to deposit the payola check.
7> Chris' daily Gallo binges brought the ghost of Orson Welles and his dire "Serve no lists before their time!" warnings.
6> Greedy Nobel and Pulitzer judges insisted on a full year's worth of cash, drugs and hookers.
5> Chris has been detained at Guantanamo Bay ever since the publication of our "Top 15 Reasons Allah Can Kick Your Jesus' Ass Any Day of the Week" list.
4> Damn tree-hugging liberal contributors insisted on a certified dolphin-friendly printer.
3> As a featured dancer, Chris never had the time to edit unti the Broadway show of "Cats" closed.
2> Kept waiting in hopes of including a "Top 5 Ways to Punish Osama and Saddam Now That We've Finally Caught Them" list.
1> We were waiting for TopFive scientists to develop a special suck-proof ink.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by oniyae on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Worst Gifts for Celebrities
14> Winona Ryder -- a great big overcoat, with lots of really deep pockets
13> Ozzy Osbourne -- "Henry Higgins' Guide to Impeccable Elocution"
12> Al Gore -- "Sorry!" board game
11> Jessica Simpson -- "The Big Book of Brain Teasers"
10> Rush Limbaugh -- Little Pharmacist playset
9> Saddam Hussein -- "Spider-Man" DVD
8> Kobe Bryant -- a fabulous 5-day, 4-night stay at the luxurious Cordillera Lodge & Spa in beautiful Eagle County, Colorado!
7> Howard Dean -- Saddam Hussein's arrest
6> Eminem -- a "Queer Eye" makeover
5> Alec Baldwin -- autographed picture of President Bush
4> James Brolin -- autographed picture of Ronald Reagan, addressed to "Mr. Streisand"
3> Keith Richards -- "Commander of the British Hempire" bong
2> J.Lo -- lifetime subscription to Modern Bride
1> Peter Jackson -- three Danielle Steel novels and a $400-million budget
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Jonathan LoGalbo on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Pickup Lines of the Undead15> "Your face or mine?"
14> "I play guitar. Care to meet my friends, Charlie and Mick?"
13> "You know, they named that drink after me."
12> "Is it hot in here, or is that just the embalming fluids running through my veins?"
11> "I can 'rise from the dead,' if you know what I mean."
10> "One look at you, and my knees turn to jelly. Or actually, sort of a yellowish, maggoty substance."
9> "You must be tired, 'cause you've been running through my mind all night -- care to peel back my scalp and see?"
8> "Excuse me, but did you just drop this finger?"
7> "What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich, is he rich like me?"
6> "I've had my eye on you all night. Right there, stuck to your shoulder. Can I please have it back now?"
5> "Baby, if I were in charge of the alphabet, I'd put... BRAINS! MUST EAT BRAINS!"
4> "My rotten, maggot-infested skin would look great -- in a pile on your bedroom floor."
3> "You can't spell 'gruesome' without 'u' and 'me.'"
2> "Viagra, schmiagra -- I got rigor mortis, baby!"
1> "Sweetheart, you light up my death!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day |
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| Posted by Mr HaHa Man on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day25> "No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey."
24> "Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break room for plunderin'."
23> "Sixteen men an' a copier mess -- yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner."
22> "Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that* vessel."
21> "I'll be keelhaulin' the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy Tupperware in the break room sink!"
20> "Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we'll one day partake of noontime grub together."
19> "No, Bob, I will not 'shiver your timbers.' I will, however, call my attorney."
18> "To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!"
17> "Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones' locker! Nobody flush... I'll go get me hook."
16> "Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey."
15> "Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes upon me?"
14> "Fax ahoy, mateys!"
13> "Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule's port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!"
12> "No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye can store that hook!"
11> "Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!"
10> "Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin' a reboot first? Arrr! It's the plank for you, ye mangy cur... and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!"
9> "Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!"
8> "Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr ye willin' ta die fer that parking spot?"
7> "Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water... bear ye left past the Chamber of Meetings... and a minute's voyage down the Great Carpeted Hallway... the unisex bathroom'll be on yer port side."
6> "Aye, if it's a large treasure chest and amazin' booty ye seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist."
5> "Boss, I'll be borrowin' a coupla doubloons from petty cash fer some Ho Ho's and a bottle of rum."
4> "Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?"
3> "Arrr! I've arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration."
2> "Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!"
1> "Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin' slivers o' potato fried in the popular French style with that?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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