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| Posted by Tiocfaidh ArLa on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade
16> Twenty percent more duct tape than Mir.
15> It's highly unlikely NASA would name its orbital lander the "USS PACKERS! Wooo! Go Packers!"
14> You currently owe Duracell $138,845,000.
13> Two words: cheese tailfins.
12> Take-off requires beans, a butane lighter and a well-timed finger pull.
11> Thrusters can be set to high, medium, low and simmer.
10> Doilies on the control board?
Potpourri in the cargo bay?
MOM!!!
9> The on-board meal: a lovingly packed PB&J cut in the shape of a rocket, a Juicy Juice box and a Twinkie that your jerk older brother smashed flat.
8> "Rocket sound" comes from playing cards stuck in the O-rings.
7> The chief engineer was forced to remove the nose cone of the lunar landing module to grill burgers for dinner.
6> Centrifugal force is measured in "Kenny Gs."
5> It just plain tastes better than those store-bought spaceships.
4> The only 'tang on board is the pilot's mistress.
3> The "heat shield"? A dozen oven mitts glued to a trash-can lid.
2> The top-secret mission? Launch a spy satellite over Jessica Simpson's shower.
1> Transmission from Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem."
Transmission from your ship: "Honey, I have a wedgie."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino |
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| Posted by Jase A. Bryant on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino
16> Family-oriented atmosphere. (Hefner, Flynt and Guccione families only)
15> Your odds at the tables are about the same as your odds with your waitress.
14> Dancers in the hotel's Risque Revue are more modestly clad than the croupiers.
13> Instead of black or red, roulette tables let you place bets on "real" or "fake."
12> Complimentary greasy hot wing on your pillow at night.
11> "Half-Off Night" -- when the cocktail waitresses all have wardrobe malfunctions.
10> A "Cooling-Off Room" featuring Linda Tripp reading poetry.
9> Slot machines galore, but nary a cherry to be found.
8> Commonly heard at *every* gaming table: "Hit me. Ohhhhh, yes, hit me!"
7> The bouncers are simply amazing.
6> Guy at the craps table yelling, "Seven! Come on, seven! Daddy needs a new pair of undershorts!"
5> Their slogan: "We've got the loosest sluts in town!"
4> Great laughs to be had watching stunned Harry Potter fans drawn in by the giant owl out front.
3> Now in the Hooters Theater: Cirque du Soleil's "Ho!"
2> Cries of "Snake-eyes!" have less to do with dice and more to do with tank tops and air conditioning.
1> Siegfried and Roy are no longer the biggest boobs in town.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Melinda s. Nowlin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant
16> Let's just say that getting wasabi in your eye isn't the
worst thing that can happen.
15> Sizzling hot-plate dishes served with a side of aloe.
14> Who knew all the chefs at Benihana were Jewish?
13> Turns out silicone repels drawn butter, making lobster bibs
unnecessary.
12> Their claim for "Best Sticky Buns in Town" refers to their
vinyl seats.
11> Paris Hilton banned from entering. Hey, they've
got to maintain *some* standards.
10> The cook steadfastly refuses to budge from his "no bacon"
rule.
9> You'd be amazed how many straws and extra napkins a
waitress can tuck into a fat roll.
8> The waiters all wear thong hairnets.
7> Surprisingly,
it's easier to choke down snails when you've got boobs to look at.
6> "Waiter, there's soup in my hair!" frequently heard
throughout the evening.
5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the
cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.
4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.
3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the
kitchen in order to get their revenge.
2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad
bar looks like the popemobile.
1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were
signaling for the check."
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional |
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| Posted by Eeyore on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional
17> New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your
family.
16> Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
15> Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the
last beer.
14> In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
13> Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
12> Local police save money by making your house a precinct
substation.
11> Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family
Christmas."
10> Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
9> Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and
kicking a toaster around the house.
8> Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your
cellmate anymore.
7> You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for
each of Mom's personalities.
6> Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun
down."
5> You *finally* get your work published in a major
newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.
4> Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads
a passage from Penthouse Forum.
3> Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead
of roast turkey.
2> Didn't make today's Top 5 List? Dad holds
ya, Mom beats ya.
1> No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a
meth lab.
[ The Top 5
List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris
White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor |
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| Posted by fLy gIrL on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor19> Only does patterns by Laura Ashley.
18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, "Damn,
you breathed again."
17> Sundays feature their "Number of the Beast" special.
16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.
15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National
Endowment for the Arts.
14> Doesn't offer option between "young Elvis" and "Vegas Elvis."
13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.
12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of
rubbing alcohol "just to steady the ol' nerves."
11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.
10> "Whaddaya mean you DON'T want a swastika?!!?"
9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic
diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just
have NO IDEA.
8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to
accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.
7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you
arrive.
6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in
the air.
5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.
4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and
Huffys.
3> You're served petit fours and cappuccino while
waiting.
2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the
employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.
1> Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken
for "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf."
[ The Top 5
List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996,
2005 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 20 Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List |
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| Posted by enjoyingboyhood on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List20> Ask doctor about that funky growth on my right nipple. 19> Volunteer to atone by singing the national anthem at the World Series. 18> Have Saturday night's quickie Vegas marriage to Britney annulled. 17> Buy something nice for Ms. Lefty so she won't feel ignored. 16> Trim pubes for the Grammys. 15> Cancel that DNA test -- I'm *definitely* a Jackson. 14> Try a new approach for charming my way into a White House photo-op. 13> Apologize to Paris Hilton for stealing her Web traffic. 12> Have cotter pin installed in nipple to keep jewelry from falling off. 11> Teach Dennis Kucinich how to get some much-needed national attention ASAP. 10> Suggest to Michael's lawyers that they try using the term libido malfunction in court. 9> Monday, 9 a.m. -- mandatory meeting in Ashcroft's office. 8> Lend Super Bowl outfit to Martha Stewart for upcoming attempt at a mistrial. 7> Blame the CIA, then appoint an independent commission to look into the matter and report back to me after the election. 6> Sue the pants off of Justin Timberlake -- preferably on MTV during sweeps week. 5> Rip open the other window and dangle both babies. 4> Stage an open-mouthed kiss with Michael on the Grammys to revive our careers. 3> Book a flight to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. At least *there* you get beads. 2> Prepare wardrobe malfunction for tonight's date with Ashton Kutcher. 1> Kick that idiot Timberlake's ass; try to get Free Michael! tattoo removed from left breast. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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