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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It |
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| Posted by YeLLoW SLiM ShAdY on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It16> "And if we look at the satellite picture we see this large cloud formation that looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. And look! This one looks like an elephant..."
15> Attempts to use the Doppler radar to catch speeding cars along the freeway.
14> The pointer she's using to draw attention to that high pressure cell over Kansas shouldn't vibrate, should it?
13> Ends every sentence with "...if the Dark Lord deems it acceptable."
12> Bogarts all the chili beans from the studio commissary's salad bar in preparation for his on-air demonstration of wind shear.
11> Shows up in an undershirt and replaces the "wind chill factor" with the "headlight factor."
10> Screams, "Yeah, but it's a DRY heat" when his leg gets humped during the pet adoption segment.
9> Wants everyone to think his *real* name is "Storm."
8> Her new "Doppler Radar Storm Tracker 2000" looks like an old microwave oven with some Hello Kitty stickers stuck on the door.
7> Sacrifices the sports guy to the Rain God -- but does it off-camera, dammit!
6> Still uses 10-10-321 even after you told him about 10-10-220.
5> Does the forecast without pants and apologizes for not being able to point to the temperatures north of the equator.
4> Actually thinks he can become a multi-millionaire late night TV talk show host.
3> "...Turning to the five-day forecast on our Doppler radar, we see the Monistat is really clearing up my yeast infection!"
2> Has begun mumbling, "If there's even gonna BE a tomorrow," after each forecast.
1> Weekend forecast calls for scattered showers and "a chance of love."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part I) |
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| Posted by Bess on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part I)16> "Those spike-heeled boots and that silk teddy accentuate your already stunning figure, Master Drill Sergeant, sir!!"
15> "An Amway-selling Scientologist? How fascinating! Come right on in."
14> "Falco! Dude, you gotta check out this Mozart record of my dad's! This guy rocks!"
13> "It's an excellent script, Mr. Lucas. Audiences will love it. Especially the floppy-eared thing with the pseudo-rasta accent."
12> "Dude, I dreamed I was at work naked, and you were there singing show tunes."
11> "Another goth vampire wannabe? Bite me!"
10> "Wouldn't like you when you're angry, Banner? I don't like you *now*, you little science dweeb! TITTIE TWISTER!"
9> "Your leg feels like the soft underbelly of a pike."
8> "What luck! I was afraid this audit was going to be for my *other* Social Security number!"
7> "Fifty bucks says I can stick my p*nis through that electric fence without touching the sides."
6> "Hey, for a laugh, let's trick those godless Americans into *thinking* we've got weapons of mass destruction when all we've really got are mountains of sand!"
5> "Are you kidding? I'd LOVE a prairie dog for my birthday!"
4> "Hey! Easy with the ruler, Mother Superior. That's my whackin' hand."
3> "I'm not paying to have it dry-cleaned -- it's from the Gap, for God's sake! Just put a little club soda on it and it'll come right out, Monica."
2> "Officer, would you like to hear my theory of the nightstick and how it compensates for undersized male genitalia?"
1> "Oh, right, like John Ashcroft has nothing better to do than listen in on a couple of potheads."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part II) |
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| Posted by Tiger Fly on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part II)16> "I'm voting for Nader. It won't make a difference in the election, but it'll definitely get the Democrats' attention."
15> "Surely the smartest, not the strongest, should lead. So you tell your Mr. Dover there's a *new* head of Cell Block D."
14> "Go ahead and marry her, Dad. I'm sure Anna Nicole really loves you."
13> "I'll bet a splash of Aqua Velva would feel refreshing on my newly shaved scrotum."
12> "Hey, if I'm going to get drunk and pass out, the safest place to do it is right here in my own frat house."
11> "Please, God, just let me pass this final and I promise I'll never smoke pot again as long as I live."
10> "Hey, Sean Penn! Say 'cheese!'"
9> "Man, being Martha Stewart's lawyer is boring. I wish something interesting would happen."
8> "Okay, fine! That dress *does* make your butt look big! Happy now, Ms. Bloated Water Retaining Menstrual Cramp?!?"
7> "Hey, man, let's celebrate tonight's concert by *all* of us getting Milli Vanilli tattoos!"
6> "No, Britney, I think we should wait until we're out of high school to have sex."
5> "Mr President, as Director of the CIA, I believe it's my responsibility to inform you that Saddam Hussein has been making fun of the way you pronounce the word 'nuclear.'"
4> "I bet your breasts would look great in zero gravity."
3> "We're sorry, Ms. Rowling, we just can't imagine this whole wizard thing catching on with today's kids."
2> "Free LASIK surgery done by medical students? Sweet!"
1> "Hey, this Starbucks place is pretty good! I wish they'd open up one in my house."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Theories Developed by Carl Sagan While Stoned |
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| Posted by Hysteria82 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Theories Developed by Carl Sagan While Stoned12> The period of rotation of Pulsar JC9270 totally synchs up with the drum solo in "In A Gadda Da Vida," man!
11> "Twinkies, Twinkies, little stars; seem so close, yet are so far."
10> The Theory of Munchitivity: At times, peanut butter is more valuable than gold.
9> The sensor casing from a mass spectrometer makes a handy roach clip.
8> "Some day, with all of our advances in science and technology, we'll be able to land a man on the sun."
7> The Big Bong Theory
6> If you took a hit while travelling at the speed of light, you'd get one major rush, dude.
5> Betty Crocker brownies > Duncan Hines brownies
4> "Theory of Joint Relativity": A complex quantum physics equation that proves that the more pot you smoke, the slower your automobile travels with you at the wheel.
3> Floyd rocks!
2> A single "You Are Here" sign will work EVERYwhere.
1> Wow, man! There are, like, a LOT of stars. There must be *hundreds* of 'em. Maybe even *thousands*. No, millions and millions! Wait -- I'm onto something here...
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Mallory on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Board Games for Rappers15> Mouth T'rap
14> Hip-Hoperation
13> Notorious B.O.G.G.L.E
12> Nosecandyland
11> Trivial Police Pursuit
10> Shizzutes and Lizzadders
9> East Coast/West Coast Risk
8> Baby Got Backgammon
7> Scrabble, Extra Z Edition
6> Parcheesi My Neezy
5> Bitchionary
4> Horny Horny Hip-Hos
3> The Game of 25-to-Life
2> P. Diddlywinks
1> Hell No, I Ain't Sorry, Bee-Yotch
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part I) |
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| Posted by Goth Chik on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part I)16> "As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown in the middle of town. The liability issues are staggering."
15> "Well me, the construction worker, and my sailor buddy are here to tell y'all, it's *fun* to go to the YMCA!"
14> "Take it from me, Festus, a good pair o' nylons keeps the chaps from riding up."
13> "Barkeep! Another round of Slippery Nipples for my posse."
12> "Miss Kitty, I don't think I've ever seen stirrups used quite like that before."
11> "In this town we got a way to deal with murderin' scum like you, Bart -- civil litigation!"
10> "Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?"
9> "Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen our women... but considering what we've done to THEM, I think they're showing remarkable self-restraint."
8> "You had me at 'Howdy.'"
7> "Yeah, I'm sure he was an Indian -- his name was Amandip Gupta."
6> "That's *Sheriff* Richard Simmons to you, pardner."
5> "I cain't go in the saloon! Brown Bart's wearin' the same shirt I'm a-wearin'!"
4> "They call me... Moesha."
3> "Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain't gonna have no room for the tiramisu!"
2> "Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at sundown!"
1> "reach 4 the sky! :-O put all ur $$$ in the bag, lol."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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