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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs You're Eating a 25-Year-Old Happy Meal |
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| Posted by The Funny Jokester Guy on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs You're Eating a 25-Year-Old Happy Meal16> The burger and fries taste about the same, but the Tab's a bit flat.15> The environment-proof packaging doubles as wall insulation.14> Your prize? A Jimmy Carter figure with Hustle-Action Hips!13> Mayor McCheese doesn't yet show the ravaging effects of his crack habit.12> That Daisy Duke on the box sure looks like a purty girl. But then so do Bo and Luke.11> The loogie hocked in the burger smells of Billy Beer.10> The burger is served *with* a bun, in blatant disregard for your child's carb intake.9> It tastes like Norman Fell.8> The Farrah Fawcett mini-poster that came with it shows no discernible traces of irony or sarcasm.7> When you place your order, the guy behind the counter yells, No Coke. Pepsi!6> The included toy is hand-carved from real wood and can be fully enjoyed even if you haven't seen the movie.5> The condiments include salt, pepper, ketchup and sweet, sweet cocaine.4> The fries are cold as ice... they're willing to sacrifice your love.3> The Michael Jackson trading card inside has some black guy on it.2> You broke a French fry in half and counted the grease rings.1> The collectible Gary Coleman trading card draws your attention to the real Gary Coleman working the grill in the back. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Something's Gone Wrong in Your Vegas Show |
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| Posted by Jessica A. Locklear on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Something's Gone Wrong in Your Vegas Show16> The only people involved with the show who are wearing enormous, feathered headdresses are the lighting guys.
15> Audience members are clamoring for you to sing something from "back when you didn't suck."
14> Crowd cheers wildly at the sudden appearance of Blue Man Group. The problem is that you're with Cirques du Soleil and those are actually the Amazing Plastic-Bag-on-the-Head-for-Too-Long Brothers.
13> Distracted by some cherries jubilee, Ann-Margaret bites a waiter in the jugular during her "Kitten With a Whip" routine.
12> The mob, not caring for "Johnny Wallenda's Italian Humor Revue," relocated your show to the hotel roof and renamed it "The Flying Wellenda -- One Night Only!"
11> No matter how many times you count, there is still an *odd* number of breasts on stage.
10> After removing the blindfold, you notice that the front-row patrons aren't covered with bits of watermelon, but with turtle guts.
9> As if it weren't bad enough that your big-budget, three-act extravaganza was written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, Keanu is your lead dancer.
8> Danny Gans is ill and his stand-in, Danny Glans, is doing his impression of a snail in a German army helmet.
7> Your "Lena the Stripper Magician" act leaves you precious few places to secrete the disappearing doves.
6> You just don't understand why sales for your "Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter New Year's Eve Comedy Spectacular" aren't booming.
5> A slight scheduling mixup results in Lennox Lewis' 10-second knockout of Meat Loaf.
4> A berserk Penn Jillette is dragging you across the stage by your throat and you can't scream without breaking character.
3> You ate an apple too close to show time, and people did *not* pay to see Celine Dion look like a snake that just ate a pig whole.
2> Thanks to your hair-lipped costume designer, the chorus girls showed up with pastries on their breasts.
1> "For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience! You... yes, you, sir... come right up here on stage. What's your name?"
"Attorney General John Ashcroft."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator |
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| Posted by Imfuktup Man on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator
16> He shows up wearing tights and a beach-towel cape and shouts, "This is a job for Decoratorman!"
15> His stated intent to "Graceland this place up" is a little worrisome.
14> Suggests trying a scheme that's color-coordinated with your gastro-intestinal tract.
13> It turns out the only thing he has in common with Martha Stewart is a felony conviction.
12> Her default solution to any wall-covering situation? Clay Aiken posters.
11> Keeps trying to convince you of the decorative power of Quaker Rolled Oats.
10> Asks if you wouldn't mind storing some corpses for him in your basement "until the heat dies down."
9> Suggests you sell your kids "since they keep messing the place up."
8> As you enter your house for the first time, Tom Bodett and some guy with a violin are serenading you.
7> Her preferred living room fabric? Ham.
6> It's not really important to you that the carpet match both the cat AND your toupee.
5> You ask for a "country" decor; he gives you post-Nazi Poland.
4> Every single room is the same: aqua on one wall, orange on another and Dan Marino's face looking down from the ceiling.
3> "I call this look 'Abu Ghracious Living.'"
2> You're not sure exactly what's involved in a "Chuck Berry-style" bathroom, but it can't be good.
1> Thanks to Escher & Sons, you can no longer find your bathroom.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Whit on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Worst Jobs in Show Business
12> Fact-checker for FOX News
11> Donald Trump??™s toupee fluffer
10> "Survivor" film editor in charge of blurring Richard Hatch
9> Geraldo Rivera
8> Procuring sweet, sweet virgin blood to keep Larry King animated
7> Property master on a Winona Ryder film
6> Caterer for "Fear Factor"
5> Christina Aguilera's squeegee attendant
4> Second Bananarama
3> Michael Jackson's errand boy, Michael Jackson's pool boy, Michael Jackson's paper boy....
2> The guy they get when they can't get Corey Haim
1> Marlon Brando's butter valet
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Joshua R. Cameron on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Complaints of Zombies15> Sure, we eat babies, but try to find a decent tofu-based flesh substitute.
14> Zombie chicks just sort of lie there.
13> musteatbraaaaaaains.com already taken. Also .net, .org and .info.
12> "Crap. This was an $800 suit when I was buried in it!"
11> "You are not getting up from this corpse until you eat ALL of your brains! Don't you realize there are zombie children in Africa who can't even find brains to eat?!"
10> Damn those movie stereotypes. You still can't catch a running teenager just shuffling stiffly behind him!
9> You brush your teeth five times a day but can't get rid of that rotting flesh taste in your mouth.
8> Sure, movies show gorgeous women being chased and eaten by zombies. In reality, 95 percent of what you get is fat, balding middle-aged guys.
7> OK, there's a skin problem. But what happens when you go to the Lancome counter? Screaming and running away. And then more screaming.
6> At every drive-through, it's the same thing: "Want brains with that?" No! If I wanted brains, I'd order brains!
5> Flesh-colored band-aids don't come in grey.
4> Giving a friend a high five usually results in the loss of two hands.
3> Mensa-brains are all hype. Sure, they look plump and juicy, but that bitter disdain taste stays with you your whole afterlife!
2> Olympic coverage never devotes enough time to the 100-meter stiff-kneed trudge.
1> Necrophiliacs who just want you to lie still until they're finished. (It's just *creepy*.)
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Beaver Munc on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Polite Ways to Say "Your Zipper is Down"
Top Ten List (David Letterman)
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his
bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes
with Venus.
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
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