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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator |
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| Posted by Imfuktup Man on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator
16> He shows up wearing tights and a beach-towel cape and shouts, "This is a job for Decoratorman!"
15> His stated intent to "Graceland this place up" is a little worrisome.
14> Suggests trying a scheme that's color-coordinated with your gastro-intestinal tract.
13> It turns out the only thing he has in common with Martha Stewart is a felony conviction.
12> Her default solution to any wall-covering situation? Clay Aiken posters.
11> Keeps trying to convince you of the decorative power of Quaker Rolled Oats.
10> Asks if you wouldn't mind storing some corpses for him in your basement "until the heat dies down."
9> Suggests you sell your kids "since they keep messing the place up."
8> As you enter your house for the first time, Tom Bodett and some guy with a violin are serenading you.
7> Her preferred living room fabric? Ham.
6> It's not really important to you that the carpet match both the cat AND your toupee.
5> You ask for a "country" decor; he gives you post-Nazi Poland.
4> Every single room is the same: aqua on one wall, orange on another and Dan Marino's face looking down from the ceiling.
3> "I call this look 'Abu Ghracious Living.'"
2> You're not sure exactly what's involved in a "Chuck Berry-style" bathroom, but it can't be good.
1> Thanks to Escher & Sons, you can no longer find your bathroom.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Whit on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Worst Jobs in Show Business
12> Fact-checker for FOX News
11> Donald Trump??™s toupee fluffer
10> "Survivor" film editor in charge of blurring Richard Hatch
9> Geraldo Rivera
8> Procuring sweet, sweet virgin blood to keep Larry King animated
7> Property master on a Winona Ryder film
6> Caterer for "Fear Factor"
5> Christina Aguilera's squeegee attendant
4> Second Bananarama
3> Michael Jackson's errand boy, Michael Jackson's pool boy, Michael Jackson's paper boy....
2> The guy they get when they can't get Corey Haim
1> Marlon Brando's butter valet
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Joshua R. Cameron on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Complaints of Zombies15> Sure, we eat babies, but try to find a decent tofu-based flesh substitute.
14> Zombie chicks just sort of lie there.
13> musteatbraaaaaaains.com already taken. Also .net, .org and .info.
12> "Crap. This was an $800 suit when I was buried in it!"
11> "You are not getting up from this corpse until you eat ALL of your brains! Don't you realize there are zombie children in Africa who can't even find brains to eat?!"
10> Damn those movie stereotypes. You still can't catch a running teenager just shuffling stiffly behind him!
9> You brush your teeth five times a day but can't get rid of that rotting flesh taste in your mouth.
8> Sure, movies show gorgeous women being chased and eaten by zombies. In reality, 95 percent of what you get is fat, balding middle-aged guys.
7> OK, there's a skin problem. But what happens when you go to the Lancome counter? Screaming and running away. And then more screaming.
6> At every drive-through, it's the same thing: "Want brains with that?" No! If I wanted brains, I'd order brains!
5> Flesh-colored band-aids don't come in grey.
4> Giving a friend a high five usually results in the loss of two hands.
3> Mensa-brains are all hype. Sure, they look plump and juicy, but that bitter disdain taste stays with you your whole afterlife!
2> Olympic coverage never devotes enough time to the 100-meter stiff-kneed trudge.
1> Necrophiliacs who just want you to lie still until they're finished. (It's just *creepy*.)
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Beaver Munc on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Polite Ways to Say "Your Zipper is Down"
Top Ten List (David Letterman)
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his
bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes
with Venus.
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products |
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| Posted by Abby J. Parker on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products
15> Nair -- Pelt-Away
14> Old Spice -- Eau de Grandpa
13> Dr. Scholl's Corn Pads -- Beats BITING Them Off
12> Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion -- Sgt. Zipper's Lonely Hearts
Club "Hand" Cream
11> Trojan Condoms -- SkankSafe
10> Wart-B-Gone -- Put Down Those Goddam Toads!
9> FDS -- CrotchGuard
8> Preparation H -- SitAgin
7> Q-Tips -- Jam It In! We Dare Ya!
6> Nyquil -- Kid-Booze
5> Cover Girl Makeup - Covers Ugly Girls Makeup
4> Tampax -- Suck It Up, Missy!
3> Tom's of Maine -- Gee, Your Teeth Smell Like Pete Moss!
2> K-Y Jelly -- J-O Jelly
1> Chanel No. 5 -- Catbox No. 2
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Tiocfaidh ArLa on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade
16> Twenty percent more duct tape than Mir.
15> It's highly unlikely NASA would name its orbital lander the "USS PACKERS! Wooo! Go Packers!"
14> You currently owe Duracell $138,845,000.
13> Two words: cheese tailfins.
12> Take-off requires beans, a butane lighter and a well-timed finger pull.
11> Thrusters can be set to high, medium, low and simmer.
10> Doilies on the control board?
Potpourri in the cargo bay?
MOM!!!
9> The on-board meal: a lovingly packed PB&J cut in the shape of a rocket, a Juicy Juice box and a Twinkie that your jerk older brother smashed flat.
8> "Rocket sound" comes from playing cards stuck in the O-rings.
7> The chief engineer was forced to remove the nose cone of the lunar landing module to grill burgers for dinner.
6> Centrifugal force is measured in "Kenny Gs."
5> It just plain tastes better than those store-bought spaceships.
4> The only 'tang on board is the pilot's mistress.
3> The "heat shield"? A dozen oven mitts glued to a trash-can lid.
2> The top-secret mission? Launch a spy satellite over Jessica Simpson's shower.
1> Transmission from Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem."
Transmission from your ship: "Honey, I have a wedgie."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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