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| Posted by Melinda s. Nowlin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant
16> Let's just say that getting wasabi in your eye isn't the
worst thing that can happen.
15> Sizzling hot-plate dishes served with a side of aloe.
14> Who knew all the chefs at Benihana were Jewish?
13> Turns out silicone repels drawn butter, making lobster bibs
unnecessary.
12> Their claim for "Best Sticky Buns in Town" refers to their
vinyl seats.
11> Paris Hilton banned from entering. Hey, they've
got to maintain *some* standards.
10> The cook steadfastly refuses to budge from his "no bacon"
rule.
9> You'd be amazed how many straws and extra napkins a
waitress can tuck into a fat roll.
8> The waiters all wear thong hairnets.
7> Surprisingly,
it's easier to choke down snails when you've got boobs to look at.
6> "Waiter, there's soup in my hair!" frequently heard
throughout the evening.
5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the
cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.
4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.
3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the
kitchen in order to get their revenge.
2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad
bar looks like the popemobile.
1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were
signaling for the check."
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional |
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| Posted by Eeyore on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional
17> New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your
family.
16> Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
15> Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the
last beer.
14> In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
13> Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
12> Local police save money by making your house a precinct
substation.
11> Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family
Christmas."
10> Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
9> Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and
kicking a toaster around the house.
8> Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your
cellmate anymore.
7> You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for
each of Mom's personalities.
6> Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun
down."
5> You *finally* get your work published in a major
newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.
4> Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads
a passage from Penthouse Forum.
3> Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead
of roast turkey.
2> Didn't make today's Top 5 List? Dad holds
ya, Mom beats ya.
1> No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a
meth lab.
[ The Top 5
List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris
White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor |
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| Posted by fLy gIrL on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor19> Only does patterns by Laura Ashley.
18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, "Damn,
you breathed again."
17> Sundays feature their "Number of the Beast" special.
16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.
15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National
Endowment for the Arts.
14> Doesn't offer option between "young Elvis" and "Vegas Elvis."
13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.
12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of
rubbing alcohol "just to steady the ol' nerves."
11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.
10> "Whaddaya mean you DON'T want a swastika?!!?"
9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic
diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just
have NO IDEA.
8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to
accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.
7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you
arrive.
6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in
the air.
5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.
4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and
Huffys.
3> You're served petit fours and cappuccino while
waiting.
2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the
employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.
1> Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken
for "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf."
[ The Top 5
List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996,
2005 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 20 Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List |
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| Posted by enjoyingboyhood on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List20> Ask doctor about that funky growth on my right nipple. 19> Volunteer to atone by singing the national anthem at the World Series. 18> Have Saturday night's quickie Vegas marriage to Britney annulled. 17> Buy something nice for Ms. Lefty so she won't feel ignored. 16> Trim pubes for the Grammys. 15> Cancel that DNA test -- I'm *definitely* a Jackson. 14> Try a new approach for charming my way into a White House photo-op. 13> Apologize to Paris Hilton for stealing her Web traffic. 12> Have cotter pin installed in nipple to keep jewelry from falling off. 11> Teach Dennis Kucinich how to get some much-needed national attention ASAP. 10> Suggest to Michael's lawyers that they try using the term libido malfunction in court. 9> Monday, 9 a.m. -- mandatory meeting in Ashcroft's office. 8> Lend Super Bowl outfit to Martha Stewart for upcoming attempt at a mistrial. 7> Blame the CIA, then appoint an independent commission to look into the matter and report back to me after the election. 6> Sue the pants off of Justin Timberlake -- preferably on MTV during sweeps week. 5> Rip open the other window and dangle both babies. 4> Stage an open-mouthed kiss with Michael on the Grammys to revive our careers. 3> Book a flight to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. At least *there* you get beads. 2> Prepare wardrobe malfunction for tonight's date with Ashton Kutcher. 1> Kick that idiot Timberlake's ass; try to get Free Michael! tattoo removed from left breast. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by I Like Cheese You Like Cheese on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways We Stick It to The Man15> Wiping snot on the elevator door at the city hall.14> Throwing out the vitamins and eating the silica gel packs.13> Giggling at The Man's sissy clothes while he's playing golf.12> Drinking milk straight from the carton *way* past the expiration date.11> When someone else complains about the government, saying, Damn right! using our best Isaac Hayes impression.10> Using a really pointy knitting needle.9> Dotting the i's on our income tax payments with frowny faces.8> Flashing our own breasts at the TV during Super Bowl halftime.7> In through the out door, baby!6> Claiming yet another loss from our TopFive business on this year's tax return.5> By taking advantage of the free buffet lunch at the topless club -- even though we're still spending over $100.4> Working from home whenever the cats seem troubled.3> Sticking our head out the car window and laughing maniacally while driving double the posted speed limit in the underground parking garage.2> Eschewing the food pyramid and eating according to the snack rhombus.1> Refusing to be duped into becoming a docile herd of mindless consumers who-- hey, pull over! McDonald's! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs Hollywood Is Recycling Ideas |
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| Posted by IgLoO gRrL on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Hollywood Is Recycling Ideas15> Ben Stiller is a New York lawyer out of place in the South in My Cousin Ira.14> The MPAA is requiring a 90% Recycled Content notice on all new films.13> Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim Carrey have signed on to star in Predator and Predatorer.12> Haley Joel Osment is starring in movie about a cereal killer titled, Hey Mikey!11> A young waitress at a Chinese takeout comes of age in the movie With Eggroll You Get Sex.10> A screw-the-rules cop and his by-the-book partner tussle with their superiors and each other as they try to stop a madman before he can carnally devastate another apple pie.9> Diane Keaton plays a desperate single woman who tries to find dates by pretending her car has broken down in Looking for Mr. Goodwrench.8> I Dunno, Dude, Where's YOUR Car?7> Follow the excruciating and poignant final hours of a lonely Internet humor sweatshop owner in The Passion of the Chris.6> This summer: The Wizizzard of Ozizzle (Yo, we be representin' the Lollipop Guild, witch-killa beyotch!)5> While writing her groovy Six and the City column for the school paper, Marcia reveals that Jan is barren, Cindy's a slut, Greg won't commit, Peter's impotent and Bobby just can't find Mr. Right.4> The new NC-17 movie version of BJ and the Bear has actual bears and actual BJs.3> Dolly Parton, Calista Flockhart and Lara Flynn Boyle have inked a deal to star in Disney's upcoming Big Knobs and Broomsticks.2> In Pride of the Reds, Pete Rose gives 3-to-1 odds that today he is the luckiest man on the face of the earth.1> Due by Easter: The Passion of the Christ II: Freddy vs. Jesus [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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