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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code |
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| Posted by The Breather on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code16> The number of stars in a Norman Rockwell painting represents the number of times he got to bang the housewife.15> Painted as a coded rebuke of Catholicism, each poker-playing dog represents a different pope.14> Nostradamus embellished his original prediction, which stated merely: HAZY IS THE REPLY, LATER THOU MUST TRY.13> In the Boulevard of Broken Dreams painting of Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart and James Dean in a diner, Jimi Hendrix was in the men's room taking a leak.12> As part of a Satanic pact, Ben Stiller and Ben Affleck are assigned to signal the arrival of Armageddon when the combined number of their box office flops reaches 666.11> Reading every seventh word from Shakespeare's Hamlet provides a recipe for a killer five-alarm chili.10> A cheap Rolex knock-off purchased on the streets of Manhattan inspired Dali to paint Persistence of Memory.9> The Last Supper shows the disciples prefer the blood of Christ over Coke in a blind taste test.8> The physical motions of the macarena, viewed in a mirror, represent the American Sign Language translation of The Godfather.7> Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam was conceived under the working title Hey Adam, Come Over Here and Pull Your Creator's Finger!6> Monet changed his name to Manet in an attempt to elude creditors.5> The background of Edvard Munch's The Scream is obviously Neverland Ranch.4> Jesus' middle name was Herman.3> Duchamp's original idea for Nude Descending a Staircase was squelched by his beloved model when she refused to slide down the handrail wearing only a cowboy hat, boots and spurs.2> In Mondrian's abstract Composition No. 10, the red square is totally faking it.1> A race of people with both eyes on the same side of their noses controlled Spain throughout much of the 20th century. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our NRA Seminar List |
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| Posted by Kate Edwards on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our NRA Seminar List[Punctuation and spelling belong to the authors, not the editor.]16> I THINK THAT THOSES SAYINGS ARE PREVERTED.15> Yeah, I own a civilian AK. I own a civilian AR. And a buncha other toys.14> [1st message] it is not a notion you moron, it is called the 2nd Admendment to the Constitution.....enough said. [2nd message] ok I feel stupid, I misspelled amendment, DOH!13> Every opinion provokes an equal but opposite opinion, whether you want it to or not.12> Making fun of a pack of squealing girly-men's pwecious wittle guns is sure to attract dozens upon dozens of quasi-coherent Randyan rants and buffoonish threats to water the apparently parched Tree of Liberty with gallon's of one's blood. 11> YOU HAVE ALREADY VIOLATED MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT BY TELLING ME NOT TO WRITE AND NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS AS WELL10> Didn't know you were a bunch of liberal pansies.9> Do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?8> There may not be a vast gobal conspirocy to ban guns, [...]7> I'm leaving your Top 5 list because I think you're a pinko bastard.6> Go f**k yourself you moron.5> Bite It. Stupid people who don't seem to rember if it wasn't for guns then ythis country would not be here today.4> Another point is that if I write a sentence of the form, Because blah blah blah, X You can't say that because of the exact nature of the blah, blah, blah, not X, or Y was meant instead of X. 3> If you aren't prepared to eat your neibor's cat, you aren't prepared.2> I do not condone anyone for their choices.1> I tell you what buddy I own tons of guns and I kill poor little defensless animals and I happen to have a huge Pecker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999, 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by will on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Desperate Tourism Slogans16> Come for the Squalor, Stay for the Stonings! 15> We Put the Host in Hostage 14> Okay, What If We *Were* the Last Place on Earth? Huh? What THEN, Smart Boy?!? 13> Come Join the Search for Our Weapons of Mass Destruction! 12> As Seen on the Discovery Channel's Shark Week 11> Genital Mutilation -- With a Smile! 10> So Much Fun, We Can't Even Get Your Soldiers to Leave! 9> Why Pay Exorbitant Spa Prices? Try Our Montezuma Weight-Loss Plan! 8> Cannibalism, Schmannibalism 7> For Your Convenience, Our Syphilitic, Toothless, Mentally Unstable Prostitutes Now Accept Visa! 6> Hey, Disneyland's Not the Only Place in the World With Giant Rodents 5> Become Nebraska's 1000th Tourist and We'll Put You on Our State Quarter! 4> That Smell? Why, It's Old-World Charm!! 3> Yes, That's Dog in the Stew, But It's *Free Range* Dog 2> Our Customs Officers Have Small, Girlish Hands 1> Ethnically Cleansed for Your Protection [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends |
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| Posted by Crissie D. Craig on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends15> Now which one of you is the backstabbing slut and which is the brainless gossip who doesn't know when to shut up?14> Outfitting the guest room in style: Smoked-glass mirrored headboard on the queen-sized waterbed and 90-thread-count NASCAR sheets.13> Frisking them for weapons every half hour.12> Offering to help the guys repaint their living room a color that's a little less gay.11> Relying too heavily on the purty mouth family of comments.10> Staring down their blouses while saying in a low voice, You got any biscuits in there?9> Surprising his buddies by bringing out a lovely Super Bowl halftime luncheon of pickled okra and watercress finger sandwiches. On Hello Kitty plates.8> Shooting Jodie Foster.7> Nice try, there, sweetheart -- but let me show you how we professionals roll a burrito down at Taco Bell.6> Look, can we skip all this small talk and just get down to doing shots? I don't know how much longer I can stand you all sober.5> No, we haven't had sex yet -- or as we call it in Klingon, 'nga'chug.'4> When playing charades, pointing emphatically at one of them as your clue, then revealing that the secret phrase was butt-ugly conniving money-hungry skank-ass ho.3> Singing the lyrics to Styx songs in pig Latin.2> Privately confiding you've been knocking at her back door, but she won't answer.1> Presenting them all with friendship bracelets woven from your own pubic hair. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up |
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| Posted by K T. C on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up
16> They've begun moving into the basements of their parents' retirement homes.
15> 7-Eleven now offering early-bird specials on Jolt Cola and microwave
burritos.
14> Raves now start at 5 p.m. and break up by 9 p.m. -- just in time for "The
West Wing."
13> "Doom IV" now officially an Olympic event.
12> Ross and Rachel have moved to rural Vermont and are solving petty crimes
with Sheriff Tom Bosley in the new series, "Old Friends."
11> "MTV's Real World: Suburban Omaha."
10> They're trading in their mosh-pit bangings for Sunday afternoon games of
no-contact, non-competitive Ultimate Frisbee.
9> A panicky Larry King quickly learns to kiss Tony Hawk's ass.
8> Out: Stone Temple Pilots. In: Tso Temple Pilates.
7> The playlist this morning on your dentist's Muzak system: Fugazi, Pearl Jam,
Nirvana and Green Day.
6> Out: Goth 24/7. In: Roth 401(k).
5> Getting sex more than twice a week now qualifies as an "Xtreme" event.
4> New Mountain Dew Code Blue
3> Then: acid-washed denim. Now: acid-washed duodenum.
2> All those gray goatees are giving you a permanent KFC jones.
1> They're ready to FIGHT for their RIGHT to PUDDING.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Rejected Advertising Slogans for Summer Movies |
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| Posted by Wrench Oh Six Two Six on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Rejected Advertising Slogans for Summer Movies16. The X-Files: "The Merchandise is Out There."
15. Can't Hardly Wait: "**** - Pedophile Weekly"
14. The Horse Whisperer: "Filmed in Glorious Viagra-Rama"
13. Almost Heroes: "Almost Watchable!"
12. Godzilla: "His turds are bigger than your Winnebago."
11. The Horse Whisperer: "It's like 'The Electric Horseman', but this time Bob's only stunts involve bladder control."
10. Saving Private Ryan: "Serious-Schindler-Spielberg, Not Cool-Dinosaurs-Spielberg."
9. The Horse Whisperer: "Just keepin' the chicks happy between asteroids."
8. Hope Floats: "Never mind the Sex Pistols; here's the Bullock"
7. Godzilla: "The last time a film sucked this much, Traci Lords was in it."
6. 6 Days, 7 Nights: "Try to guess what Anne Heche is thinking about while she kisses Harrison Ford!"
5. The Horse Whisperer: "Take Your Woman To See This, And She'll Owe You Sex For Months!"
4. Black Dog: "No one with a three digit IQ admitted without a country & western singer."
3. The X-Files: "Like you could stay away if you tried, Nerd Boy!"
2. He Got Game: "But he ain't got passing SAT scores!"
1. A Perfect Murder: "Two Thumbs Up! - O.J."
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