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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 17 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts |
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| Posted by Mike H. Stevens on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 17 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts
17> Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
16> Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
15> Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
14> Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
13> After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
12> The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
11> Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
10> Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9> Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8> "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
7> Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
6> Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5> That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
4> Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!"
3> Enjoys it so much when small children urinate on his lap, he happily returns the favor.
2> Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
1> While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1997, 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Steve j. Kapton on 13-Aug-2005 | Toys at Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Mom and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
with each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Dearest" said Mom, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my wife just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
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| Posted by BRADY COLLINS on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Hot Toys This Holiday Season
12> Seattle Protest Barbie -- Complete with painted sign, handcuffs, and double-tall latte! (Anarchist Ken sold separately)
11> The Al Gore Doll -- So real, it's almost life-like!
10> Toy Story 2 adult action figures -- Buzzed Lightyear and Morning Woody
9> H2-Oh! -- Pop it in the freezer and it magically becomes a cold, frosty treat!
8> Celery Monster -- Cookie Monster's anorexic sister
7> Day Trader Barbie -- comes with notebook computer, cell phone, 9mm handgun and emergency cyanide pill
6> My First Nipple Ring -- Be the first on your block to be banned by your friends' Moms!
5> Lower G.I. Joe -- Teaches your youngster the joy of colonic irrigation
4> PokeYerMom Oedipal Trading Cards
3> Playskool Oval Office -- If the house is a rockin', don't come a knockin' (until it's your turn!).
2> Crips 'n' Bloods Operation -- "Use the forceps to remove the cap from your ass! But don't set off the buzzer!"
1> Potty Training Taco Bell Chihuahua -- Teaches Junior where to "Drop the Chalupa"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 12 Bad Things About Being A Headless Horseman |
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| Posted by Bob J. Blob on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Bad Things About Being A Headless Horseman
12> Friggin' sunglasses keep falling off your neck.
11> "Bad hair days" replaced by much scarier "bad jugular" days.
10> Always get disqualified for missing the first jump in the steeple chase.
9> Headless sex.
8> Cognitive thought with just a spinal cord is like trying to... trying to... DAMMIT!
7> Rectal bong hits just not the same.
6> That doofus in wardrobe uses a staple gun to keep your cape in place.
5> Forced to list your height as 5'2" on your driver's license.
4> The subtle joy of picking your nose while driving is gone forever.
3> Have to sneeze through your ass.
2> Hard to achieve that Limp Bizkit look with your red Yankees cap wedged in your armpit.
1> When you wear a party hat, you just look like a dork.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 14 Things Overheard at the White House Thanksgiving Dinner |
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| Posted by Deven T. Frasier on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Things Overheard at the White House Thanksgiving Dinner
14> "And I would like to begin the annual Thanksgiving toast, Mr. President, by recounting the words of one of my favorite Jewish Country and Western songs..."
13> "Mr. President, you're drinking the gravy again."
12> "And now for the stuffing... hey! Who put a cigar in there?!? This is NOT funny!!"
11> "I'll be back in a minute, Honey. I'm just going to offer the intern a little stuffing."
10> "Roasted turkey!? Dammit, is the deep fryer broken again?"
9> "Man! Who are those hot young babes who came in with Gore and his wife?"
8> "Oh, come on, Al -- you did *not* invent Thanksgiving."
7> "God, I'd be thankful if HE were de-boned."
6> "I did not have seconds of that dish... mashed potatoes."
5> "Pssst... Monica, we don't kneel to say grace."
4> "God is great, God is good.
Oh, my God, I've sprouted wood."
3> "It would not be an unforeseen event for the dryness quotient of my slain meat product to be so elevated at to suggest artificial moistening as a direction in which we may eventually want to move. Then again, if..."
"Would someone just pass Greenspan the friggin' gravy already?!?"
2> "I'm sorry, Mr. Starr, no one here knows the Heimlich maneuver."
1> "Pay attention, Bill: Here's a little carving trick I learned from Lorena Bobbitt."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by devil dawg 50 on 13-Aug-2005 | Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it a job requirement.
4. One big black belt - accessorized for life!
5. There'd be no reason to have your colours done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled... that is when you giggled... like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho! Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine... you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
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