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| Posted by scott l. murray on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 18 Cereals for Substance Abusers18> Weedies
17> Coke Puffs
16> Sugar Smack
15> Special H
14> Life Sentence
13> Freebasin' Bran
12> Count Crackula
11> CrankenBerry
10> Toot 'n' Fibre
9> Turning Trix
8> Chex Into Rehab
7> Primo Wheat
6> Honey Bunches of Dope
5> Cap'n Crack With Marion Barrys
4> Muesl-X
3> Sugar Crystal Methampheti-Flakes
2> Froot 'Ludes
1> Oakland Crack Bran
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month |
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| Posted by xai chang birasco on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month
14> Rousing game of Pin the Hair Plug on the CBS Late-Night Host.
13> Went to Blockbuster. Destroyed all the Pauly Shore movies.
12> Worked on our multi-dimensional matrix trying to resolve all the storyline and technical contradictions in the five "Star Trek" TV series. Again.
11> Walked into bars with a priest, a rabbi and a polar bear.
10> Tried to duplicate William Hung's aura in hopes of getting a date.
9> Reported Mel Gibson to the copyright office for infringing on "Life of Brian."
8> Cried ourselves to sleep waiting for Chris to validate our lives by giving us the Number 1 spot.
7> Every time George W. said "freedom" on TV, substituted the word "underpants."
6> Passed around copies of the TopFive lists we made, explaining that even though we don't get "paid," we are considered "professional" humorists.
5> Gathered for a movieoke showing of "Blazing Saddles."
4> Convened the annual TopFive Coven Gathering to worship at the Great White altar.
3> Performed extensive research to conclusively prove that, yes, wherever you go it's about $25 -- same as in town.
2> Michael Jackson-reference drinking contests
1> Same thing we do every month, Chester - tried to take over the world.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Ano M. Miller on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Other Manufactured Controversies16> VP Dick Cheney says he saw Kerry take 12 items through the "10 Item or Less" lane at the Georgetown Safeway.
15> According to Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa corks his forearms, too.
14> The Sesame Street cast says that Bert's all-potassium diet is turning him into a walking banana.
13> Britney claims that Christina once uttered the phrase "not tonight."
12> Whitney Houston's drug rehabilitation has been put on hold while her doctors argue about whether her entourage are enablers, co-dependents or caretakers.
11> Ralph Nader claims the electoral system discriminates against the megalomaniacally insane.
10> Democratic party leaders Bill Clinton and Gary Hart accuse President Bush of clandestine monogamy and fidelity.
9> Kerry says that although he threw away his combat decorations, as a senior in high school Bush threw his equestrian medals into the large lake behind the family estate to protest the top billing of the school's football team over the polo team.
8> Rush Limbaugh alleges that Al Franken merely *skimmed* end-user agreements in software he purchased.
7> John Stamos says that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bogarted all the face creams and bronzers.
6> Terry McAuliffe claims that George W. Bush's insistence that there is absolute truth is an outright rejection of the entire post-modern generation.
5> Alex Trebek insinuates that Pat Sajak is disregarding the rules by not requiring contestants to buy the "Y."
4> "The L.A. *Lakers*? Is Los Angeles known for its lakes? Shouldn't a sports franchise's nickname at least have some tangential connection to its host city's unique local culture? We think so. We are the Utah Jazz, and we approved this message."
3> Producers of "The Simple Life" claim they have video proof that Paris Hilton was *not* a virgin when they hired her for the show.
2> Elton John starts a nasty rumor that fellow adult-contemporary artist Sting once played in a rock and roll band.
1> Mary-Kate Olsen accuses sister Ashley of being a no-talent bimbo trading on her looks.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Phrases Trademarked by Celebrities |
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| Posted by William Cash on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Phrases Trademarked by Celebrities14> Pete Rose --- "Wanna bet?"
13> Martha Stewart -- "D'oh!"
12> Carmen Electra -- "Twenty bucks, same as in town."
11> Jessica Simpson -- "Huh?"
10> Howard Dean -- "YEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
9> Jennifer Lopez -- "Okay, but I'm keeping the ring."
8> Al Gore -- "I demand a recount!"
7> R. Kelly -- "Not guilty, Your Honor."
6> Bobby Brown --- "I get the top bunk."
5> Courtney Love -- "Does this look infected?"
4> Carson Daly -- "Heh, heh. Check the list again -- I'm sure I'm on it."
3> Heidi Fleiss -- "Make it out to 'cash.'"
2> Bob Costas -- "Down here."
1> Vanilla Ice -- "Please pull around to the second window."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by BloodAngel on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Least Successful Fad Diets14> The Fatkins Diet
13> The Michael Jackson Diet: lamb and veal on a bed of whitefish
12> The Guiltily and Secretly Indulging Every Between-Meals Craving and Believing It's Okay Because You Eat Small, Unsatisfying Meals and Besides It's Impossible to Gain Weight Once You've Told Everybody You Know You're on a Diet Diet
11> The Bucket Diet: Chew all you want. Swallow nothing.
10> The Cicada Diet: Gorge yourself, have sex, then sleep for 17 years.
9> Southwest Airlines Frequent Flyer Diet: After having to pay for two seats a couple of times, you'll slim your fat ass down.
8> The "Fear Factor" Diet: easy to watch, difficult to swallow
7> The I Only Eat on Days That End in "Y" Diet
6> South Beached Whale Diet: Eat until you're a blubbering idiot.
5> SlumFast: Eat only what your daily allotment of food stamps will buy.
4> Ruben Studdard's Sing the Pounds Off Plan
3> HBO Diet: What we want to feed you, when we want to feed you. And you'll be endlessly grateful for it, too.
2> The Un-Brando Diet: Share meals with Marlon Brando; eat everything he doesn't.
1> The Anna Nicole Diet: Nothing but well-aged pork.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Celebrity Contributions to Humanity |
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| Posted by Ted Hampson on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Celebrity Contributions to Humanity16> Peter Jackson -- Made 99 percent of men the world over look slim, well-groomed and stylish!
15> Paris Hilton -- Reached out to the youth of rural America and gave them an alternative to sleeping with their 4-H projects.
14> Donald Trump -- Showed us all what a bad hair day *really* is.
13> Francis Ford Coppola -- Produced a wine that should only take a year to ferment, but instead takes five years and comes in $10,000,000 over budget.
12> Pam Anderson -- Quietly and without complaint, she volunteered to store the nation's silicone surplus.
11> The Rock -- Steered evolution back toward important genetic mate-selection features like eyebrow-muscle control.
10> Rush Limbaugh -- Has assisted bulimics for 20 years and counting.
9> Kim Basinger and Angelina Jolie -- Showed society that girls with unsightly, overweight lips can lead normal, healthy lives.
8> Alec Baldwin -- Taught millions of Americans that the actual location of France is, in fact, right here in the good old USA.
7> Bill Gates -- Made home computing stable and problem-freERROR. THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY.
6> Arnold Schwarzenegger -- Married the daughter of, and thus appeased, humanity's most dangerous enemy: Skeletor!
5> Anna Nicole Smith -- Proved once and for all that bigger isn't *always* better.
4> Michael Jackson -- Continuously provides tantalizing evidence of the possibility of extra-terrestrial life.
3> Jessica Simpson -- Proved to young girls everywhere that you can achieve anything if you just put your breasts to it.
2> Mel Gibson -- Alerted the world to the cruel and unusual nature of crucifixion, leading to the discontinuation of the practice in the United States.
1> Paul Lynde -- Invented the deadly art of Sneer Fu.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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