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():top list jokes (540): The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor |
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| Posted by fLy gIrL on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 19 Signs You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor19> Only does patterns by Laura Ashley.
18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, "Damn,
you breathed again."
17> Sundays feature their "Number of the Beast" special.
16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.
15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National
Endowment for the Arts.
14> Doesn't offer option between "young Elvis" and "Vegas Elvis."
13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.
12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of
rubbing alcohol "just to steady the ol' nerves."
11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.
10> "Whaddaya mean you DON'T want a swastika?!!?"
9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic
diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just
have NO IDEA.
8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to
accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.
7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you
arrive.
6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in
the air.
5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.
4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and
Huffys.
3> You're served petit fours and cappuccino while
waiting.
2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the
employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.
1> Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken
for "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf."
[ The Top 5
List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996,
2005 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 20 Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List |
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| Posted by enjoyingboyhood on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List20> Ask doctor about that funky growth on my right nipple. 19> Volunteer to atone by singing the national anthem at the World Series. 18> Have Saturday night's quickie Vegas marriage to Britney annulled. 17> Buy something nice for Ms. Lefty so she won't feel ignored. 16> Trim pubes for the Grammys. 15> Cancel that DNA test -- I'm *definitely* a Jackson. 14> Try a new approach for charming my way into a White House photo-op. 13> Apologize to Paris Hilton for stealing her Web traffic. 12> Have cotter pin installed in nipple to keep jewelry from falling off. 11> Teach Dennis Kucinich how to get some much-needed national attention ASAP. 10> Suggest to Michael's lawyers that they try using the term libido malfunction in court. 9> Monday, 9 a.m. -- mandatory meeting in Ashcroft's office. 8> Lend Super Bowl outfit to Martha Stewart for upcoming attempt at a mistrial. 7> Blame the CIA, then appoint an independent commission to look into the matter and report back to me after the election. 6> Sue the pants off of Justin Timberlake -- preferably on MTV during sweeps week. 5> Rip open the other window and dangle both babies. 4> Stage an open-mouthed kiss with Michael on the Grammys to revive our careers. 3> Book a flight to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. At least *there* you get beads. 2> Prepare wardrobe malfunction for tonight's date with Ashton Kutcher. 1> Kick that idiot Timberlake's ass; try to get Free Michael! tattoo removed from left breast. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by I Like Cheese You Like Cheese on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways We Stick It to The Man15> Wiping snot on the elevator door at the city hall.14> Throwing out the vitamins and eating the silica gel packs.13> Giggling at The Man's sissy clothes while he's playing golf.12> Drinking milk straight from the carton *way* past the expiration date.11> When someone else complains about the government, saying, Damn right! using our best Isaac Hayes impression.10> Using a really pointy knitting needle.9> Dotting the i's on our income tax payments with frowny faces.8> Flashing our own breasts at the TV during Super Bowl halftime.7> In through the out door, baby!6> Claiming yet another loss from our TopFive business on this year's tax return.5> By taking advantage of the free buffet lunch at the topless club -- even though we're still spending over $100.4> Working from home whenever the cats seem troubled.3> Sticking our head out the car window and laughing maniacally while driving double the posted speed limit in the underground parking garage.2> Eschewing the food pyramid and eating according to the snack rhombus.1> Refusing to be duped into becoming a docile herd of mindless consumers who-- hey, pull over! McDonald's! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs Hollywood Is Recycling Ideas |
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| Posted by IgLoO gRrL on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Hollywood Is Recycling Ideas15> Ben Stiller is a New York lawyer out of place in the South in My Cousin Ira.14> The MPAA is requiring a 90% Recycled Content notice on all new films.13> Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim Carrey have signed on to star in Predator and Predatorer.12> Haley Joel Osment is starring in movie about a cereal killer titled, Hey Mikey!11> A young waitress at a Chinese takeout comes of age in the movie With Eggroll You Get Sex.10> A screw-the-rules cop and his by-the-book partner tussle with their superiors and each other as they try to stop a madman before he can carnally devastate another apple pie.9> Diane Keaton plays a desperate single woman who tries to find dates by pretending her car has broken down in Looking for Mr. Goodwrench.8> I Dunno, Dude, Where's YOUR Car?7> Follow the excruciating and poignant final hours of a lonely Internet humor sweatshop owner in The Passion of the Chris.6> This summer: The Wizizzard of Ozizzle (Yo, we be representin' the Lollipop Guild, witch-killa beyotch!)5> While writing her groovy Six and the City column for the school paper, Marcia reveals that Jan is barren, Cindy's a slut, Greg won't commit, Peter's impotent and Bobby just can't find Mr. Right.4> The new NC-17 movie version of BJ and the Bear has actual bears and actual BJs.3> Dolly Parton, Calista Flockhart and Lara Flynn Boyle have inked a deal to star in Disney's upcoming Big Knobs and Broomsticks.2> In Pride of the Reds, Pete Rose gives 3-to-1 odds that today he is the luckiest man on the face of the earth.1> Due by Easter: The Passion of the Christ II: Freddy vs. Jesus [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by scott l. murray on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 18 Cereals for Substance Abusers18> Weedies
17> Coke Puffs
16> Sugar Smack
15> Special H
14> Life Sentence
13> Freebasin' Bran
12> Count Crackula
11> CrankenBerry
10> Toot 'n' Fibre
9> Turning Trix
8> Chex Into Rehab
7> Primo Wheat
6> Honey Bunches of Dope
5> Cap'n Crack With Marion Barrys
4> Muesl-X
3> Sugar Crystal Methampheti-Flakes
2> Froot 'Ludes
1> Oakland Crack Bran
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month |
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| Posted by xai chang birasco on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month
14> Rousing game of Pin the Hair Plug on the CBS Late-Night Host.
13> Went to Blockbuster. Destroyed all the Pauly Shore movies.
12> Worked on our multi-dimensional matrix trying to resolve all the storyline and technical contradictions in the five "Star Trek" TV series. Again.
11> Walked into bars with a priest, a rabbi and a polar bear.
10> Tried to duplicate William Hung's aura in hopes of getting a date.
9> Reported Mel Gibson to the copyright office for infringing on "Life of Brian."
8> Cried ourselves to sleep waiting for Chris to validate our lives by giving us the Number 1 spot.
7> Every time George W. said "freedom" on TV, substituted the word "underpants."
6> Passed around copies of the TopFive lists we made, explaining that even though we don't get "paid," we are considered "professional" humorists.
5> Gathered for a movieoke showing of "Blazing Saddles."
4> Convened the annual TopFive Coven Gathering to worship at the Great White altar.
3> Performed extensive research to conclusively prove that, yes, wherever you go it's about $25 -- same as in town.
2> Michael Jackson-reference drinking contests
1> Same thing we do every month, Chester - tried to take over the world.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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