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():top list jokes (540): The Top 20 Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List |
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| Posted by enjoyingboyhood on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List20> Ask doctor about that funky growth on my right nipple. 19> Volunteer to atone by singing the national anthem at the World Series. 18> Have Saturday night's quickie Vegas marriage to Britney annulled. 17> Buy something nice for Ms. Lefty so she won't feel ignored. 16> Trim pubes for the Grammys. 15> Cancel that DNA test -- I'm *definitely* a Jackson. 14> Try a new approach for charming my way into a White House photo-op. 13> Apologize to Paris Hilton for stealing her Web traffic. 12> Have cotter pin installed in nipple to keep jewelry from falling off. 11> Teach Dennis Kucinich how to get some much-needed national attention ASAP. 10> Suggest to Michael's lawyers that they try using the term libido malfunction in court. 9> Monday, 9 a.m. -- mandatory meeting in Ashcroft's office. 8> Lend Super Bowl outfit to Martha Stewart for upcoming attempt at a mistrial. 7> Blame the CIA, then appoint an independent commission to look into the matter and report back to me after the election. 6> Sue the pants off of Justin Timberlake -- preferably on MTV during sweeps week. 5> Rip open the other window and dangle both babies. 4> Stage an open-mouthed kiss with Michael on the Grammys to revive our careers. 3> Book a flight to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. At least *there* you get beads. 2> Prepare wardrobe malfunction for tonight's date with Ashton Kutcher. 1> Kick that idiot Timberlake's ass; try to get Free Michael! tattoo removed from left breast. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by I Like Cheese You Like Cheese on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways We Stick It to The Man15> Wiping snot on the elevator door at the city hall.14> Throwing out the vitamins and eating the silica gel packs.13> Giggling at The Man's sissy clothes while he's playing golf.12> Drinking milk straight from the carton *way* past the expiration date.11> When someone else complains about the government, saying, Damn right! using our best Isaac Hayes impression.10> Using a really pointy knitting needle.9> Dotting the i's on our income tax payments with frowny faces.8> Flashing our own breasts at the TV during Super Bowl halftime.7> In through the out door, baby!6> Claiming yet another loss from our TopFive business on this year's tax return.5> By taking advantage of the free buffet lunch at the topless club -- even though we're still spending over $100.4> Working from home whenever the cats seem troubled.3> Sticking our head out the car window and laughing maniacally while driving double the posted speed limit in the underground parking garage.2> Eschewing the food pyramid and eating according to the snack rhombus.1> Refusing to be duped into becoming a docile herd of mindless consumers who-- hey, pull over! McDonald's! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs Hollywood Is Recycling Ideas |
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| Posted by IgLoO gRrL on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Hollywood Is Recycling Ideas15> Ben Stiller is a New York lawyer out of place in the South in My Cousin Ira.14> The MPAA is requiring a 90% Recycled Content notice on all new films.13> Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim Carrey have signed on to star in Predator and Predatorer.12> Haley Joel Osment is starring in movie about a cereal killer titled, Hey Mikey!11> A young waitress at a Chinese takeout comes of age in the movie With Eggroll You Get Sex.10> A screw-the-rules cop and his by-the-book partner tussle with their superiors and each other as they try to stop a madman before he can carnally devastate another apple pie.9> Diane Keaton plays a desperate single woman who tries to find dates by pretending her car has broken down in Looking for Mr. Goodwrench.8> I Dunno, Dude, Where's YOUR Car?7> Follow the excruciating and poignant final hours of a lonely Internet humor sweatshop owner in The Passion of the Chris.6> This summer: The Wizizzard of Ozizzle (Yo, we be representin' the Lollipop Guild, witch-killa beyotch!)5> While writing her groovy Six and the City column for the school paper, Marcia reveals that Jan is barren, Cindy's a slut, Greg won't commit, Peter's impotent and Bobby just can't find Mr. Right.4> The new NC-17 movie version of BJ and the Bear has actual bears and actual BJs.3> Dolly Parton, Calista Flockhart and Lara Flynn Boyle have inked a deal to star in Disney's upcoming Big Knobs and Broomsticks.2> In Pride of the Reds, Pete Rose gives 3-to-1 odds that today he is the luckiest man on the face of the earth.1> Due by Easter: The Passion of the Christ II: Freddy vs. Jesus [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by scott l. murray on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 18 Cereals for Substance Abusers18> Weedies
17> Coke Puffs
16> Sugar Smack
15> Special H
14> Life Sentence
13> Freebasin' Bran
12> Count Crackula
11> CrankenBerry
10> Toot 'n' Fibre
9> Turning Trix
8> Chex Into Rehab
7> Primo Wheat
6> Honey Bunches of Dope
5> Cap'n Crack With Marion Barrys
4> Muesl-X
3> Sugar Crystal Methampheti-Flakes
2> Froot 'Ludes
1> Oakland Crack Bran
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month |
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| Posted by xai chang birasco on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month
14> Rousing game of Pin the Hair Plug on the CBS Late-Night Host.
13> Went to Blockbuster. Destroyed all the Pauly Shore movies.
12> Worked on our multi-dimensional matrix trying to resolve all the storyline and technical contradictions in the five "Star Trek" TV series. Again.
11> Walked into bars with a priest, a rabbi and a polar bear.
10> Tried to duplicate William Hung's aura in hopes of getting a date.
9> Reported Mel Gibson to the copyright office for infringing on "Life of Brian."
8> Cried ourselves to sleep waiting for Chris to validate our lives by giving us the Number 1 spot.
7> Every time George W. said "freedom" on TV, substituted the word "underpants."
6> Passed around copies of the TopFive lists we made, explaining that even though we don't get "paid," we are considered "professional" humorists.
5> Gathered for a movieoke showing of "Blazing Saddles."
4> Convened the annual TopFive Coven Gathering to worship at the Great White altar.
3> Performed extensive research to conclusively prove that, yes, wherever you go it's about $25 -- same as in town.
2> Michael Jackson-reference drinking contests
1> Same thing we do every month, Chester - tried to take over the world.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Ano M. Miller on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Other Manufactured Controversies16> VP Dick Cheney says he saw Kerry take 12 items through the "10 Item or Less" lane at the Georgetown Safeway.
15> According to Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa corks his forearms, too.
14> The Sesame Street cast says that Bert's all-potassium diet is turning him into a walking banana.
13> Britney claims that Christina once uttered the phrase "not tonight."
12> Whitney Houston's drug rehabilitation has been put on hold while her doctors argue about whether her entourage are enablers, co-dependents or caretakers.
11> Ralph Nader claims the electoral system discriminates against the megalomaniacally insane.
10> Democratic party leaders Bill Clinton and Gary Hart accuse President Bush of clandestine monogamy and fidelity.
9> Kerry says that although he threw away his combat decorations, as a senior in high school Bush threw his equestrian medals into the large lake behind the family estate to protest the top billing of the school's football team over the polo team.
8> Rush Limbaugh alleges that Al Franken merely *skimmed* end-user agreements in software he purchased.
7> John Stamos says that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bogarted all the face creams and bronzers.
6> Terry McAuliffe claims that George W. Bush's insistence that there is absolute truth is an outright rejection of the entire post-modern generation.
5> Alex Trebek insinuates that Pat Sajak is disregarding the rules by not requiring contestants to buy the "Y."
4> "The L.A. *Lakers*? Is Los Angeles known for its lakes? Shouldn't a sports franchise's nickname at least have some tangential connection to its host city's unique local culture? We think so. We are the Utah Jazz, and we approved this message."
3> Producers of "The Simple Life" claim they have video proof that Paris Hilton was *not* a virgin when they hired her for the show.
2> Elton John starts a nasty rumor that fellow adult-contemporary artist Sting once played in a rock and roll band.
1> Mary-Kate Olsen accuses sister Ashley of being a no-talent bimbo trading on her looks.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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