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| Posted by Marco Fonseca on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Rejected TV Holiday Specials
20> The Osbourne Family *)&(#$%^& Christmas Blast!phemy
19> The Democratic Debate That Sucked Out All the Holiday Cheer
18> Runny the Snot Man
17> Grandma Got Run Over by a Steamroller: A "Jackass" Christmas
16> Michael Jackson's "Staying in Bed for the Holidays" With the Vienna Boys' Choir
15> The Little Dreidel Boy
14> Martha Stewart's Holiday Party You Couldn't Possibly Afford to Host
13> Last-Minute Bargain Shopping and Stocking Stuffing With Winona Ryder
12> Snoop Dogg's Very Mevizzle Christizzle
11> The Endorsement That Ruined Hanukkah for One Particular Presidential Candidate
10> It's Dubya With a Fake Turkey, Charlie Brown!
9> One Last Holiday With the Troops: A Bob Hope Cryptmas in Iraq
8> Al Franken narrates "Santa Claus Is a Big Fat Lying Idiot"
7> Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A "Queer Eye" Christmas
6> A Rockin' Sockin' Bobby Brown Kwanzaa
5> A Cruisin' and Boozin' Christmas With Glen Campbell, Wynonna Judd and Nick Nolte
4> Go Kill It On the Mountain: A Ted Nugent Reindeer-Huntin' Holiday!
3> Dancer and Prancer's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" USO Spectacular
2> SpongeJesus SwaddlingPants
1> Santa, Live From Inside the Paris Hilton!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part II) |
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| Posted by Peter B. Wilson on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part II)
15> There's a two-month waiting list for Santa voodoo dolls at the North Pole employee gift shop.
14> All of this year's rocking horses are sporting a fifth "leg."
13> They punch out Santa's lights before he even gets to the second "ho."
12> Come Christmas morning, more than one unlucky tyke will be unwrapping a container of brown, smelly Play-Doh.
11> All the "Sorry!" games have been repackaged as "In Your Face, Loser!" games.
10> Rather than taking the time to master the latest technological advances, they simply pack every PlayStation 2 box with a Hustler and a jar of Vaseline.
9> Sewing a teddy bear is hard work. Catching a bear cub at the North Pole is easy. You do the math.
8> Rudolph, elated at finally being invited to join in some reindeer games, instead finds himself confronted by shotgun-toting elves.
7> Several of them were caught on video adding real urine to the "wet baby" dolls.
6> The See 'n Say little Allison received is teaching her that the duck says, "Santa blows," and the cow goes, "Get lost, kid."
5> Santa's elf-prepared road trip CD for Christmas Eve?
Nothin' but "It's a Small World."
4> Five of them pitched a new show to FOX: "Elf Eye for the Fat Guy."
3> Cigarette burns on Barbie's posterior.
2> The only reason they ride the Norelco shavers over the snow these days is to get to a liquor store.
1> This year the kids on the "naughty" list are receiving lumps of koala.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part I) |
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| Posted by snoop dogg on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part I)
15> Five minutes into the Christmas Eve flight, it becomes apparent someone Ex-Laxed the reindeer's feed.
14> More and more break room discussions about joining the military -- especially after Legolas' e-mail detailing the primo tail that the boys in archery are scoring.
13> Too many elves are spending their lunch hour huddled around the bong-assembly line.
12> The wheels on the latest batch of toy trucks look suspiciously like last year's leftover Barbie heads.
11> Children start receiving gifts like "Chainsaw Massacre Legos," "Transgendered Raggedy Ann/dy" and "Melted Mass of Crayons."
10> Them ain't Lincoln Logs on the conveyor belt.
9> After just one hour, a shaken Tony Robbins emerges from his North Pole "Unleash the Power Within" seminar, quietly gives Santa a refund, then wishes him luck and leaves.
8> They're *all* scheduled to appear on Dr. Phil December 26th.
7> Toy rifle production had to be out-sourced to a South Korean ClausCo subsidiary after a rash of devastating workplace corking rampages.
6> Frequent nooners in the reindeer stalls.
5> No longer enthusiastically participating in Hawaiian Shirt Fridays.
4> Let's just say that Santa's gonna be looking for a new ride when he finds out the truth about the venison stew for this year's holiday party.
3> The toy trains? Nothing but salami and duct tape.
2> This year's hot new toy: the Amazing, Incredible Rough-Hewn Block of Wood!
1> "Hello? FBI? I have information about that grandma who got run over."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 20 Things Overheard During Jessica Simpson's Thanksgiving Holiday |
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| Posted by Iain A. Hewitt on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Things Overheard During Jessica Simpson's Thanksgiving Holiday
20> "Why do we celebrate Turkey day, anyway? Isn't that a country in France or something?"
19> "So how did the pilgrims know to pick a day when everyone would be home from work?"
18> "Nick, you're so smart! You saved money by getting a FREE range turkey!"
17> "Put down the carving knife! Jessica has her head stuck in the turkey again!"
16> "... all breasts and thighs, and where the head should be there's nothing but stuffing! But hey, enough about Jessica -- where's the turkey?"
15> "We're having a huge ball of butter for dinner? How totally gross!"
14> "How can could the Indians eat so much food and stay skinny like that Gandhi guy?"
13> "We shouldn't eat turkeys! They should remain free to roam the plains of Africa with the kangaroos, the dinosaurs and the noble capybara!"
12> "In honor of our Native American friends, burritos for everyone!"
11> "Mom, Nick wants me to cook. Does the Yellow Pages have a section for 'people who cook Thanksgiving dinner for celebrities'?"
10> "Nick, I give up. I've hunted all morning and haven't found a single egg."
9> "I saw Spider-Man in the Macy's parade. You wouldn't believe how much weight Tobey Maguire has gained since the movie! He's huge!!"
8> "I didn't know turkey guts were made out of bread!"
7> "White meat or dark meat? Hey... it's *all* turkey meat! You can't trick me again!"
6> "Damn. I was really hoping Thanksgiving was on Friday this year."
5> "Stuff the turkey? I didn't have to -- it wasn't empty. Duh!"
4> "I'm not sure if I did the turkey right. The recipe said to rub olive oil all over the breast, but all that did was make my bra sticky."
3> "It's a melted Snickers bar. I made *candied* yams this year."
2> "Hey, look! If you open *both* ends of the cranberry sauce can, two people can eat it at the same time!"
1> "You want me to do WHAT with the gerblets?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Mike Cook on 14-Aug-2005 | TopFive's Thanksgiving Dinner Advice50> Thanksgiving entertainment is fine, but try to avoid hiring giblet jugglers.
49> The oldest male child should sit at the head of the table and steadfastly refuse to move, proclaiming loudly, "Yer already dead, old man!" (Hey, we didn't say it was all *good* advice.)
48> After eight years in a row, you should know better than to pull that finger.
47> Carving a "turkey" from a block of potted meat may be a clever trick, but it will leave you with a table of hungry, angry guests.
46> To prevent post-meal indigestion, spike the dressing with Tums.
45> Basting isn't necessary -- you can go ahead and murder your family dry if you like. And remember: When the police arrive, cranberry sauce is effective at hiding telltale blood stains.
44> In an emergency, gravy can be administered by IV.
43> Resist the urge to recreate the Devil's Tower using your mashed potatoes; chilled leftovers are better construction material and draw less attention.
42> If the about-to-be-carved turkey is smiling at you, you know Grandpa's already hammered and pranking with his teeth again.
41> Fold the napkins inside out and you can use them a second time.
40> Concerned about room at the table? With a good juicer, you can reduce the entire meal to a delicious, space-saving shake.
39> The more you drink, the more tolerable Uncle Saul's stench becomes.
38> Remember, demonstrating how you "stuffed" the turkey with your "special sauce" will probably get you arrested.
37> You should not give away a turkey drumstick as a "marital aid door prize."
36> The "Butterball Hotline" is *not* a direct phone line to the desk of Al Roker.
35> No matter how much wine is served at Thanksgiving dinner, a gourd should never be used as a marital aid.
34> When your mother makes her signature marshmallow/butterscotch/marmalade/chocolate/caramel/powdered sugar/sprinkle-covered yams, take a helping even if you're on the Atkins Diet unless you really want to hear about the 40 hours she spent in labor bringing your sorry ass into this world so you could insult her cooking.
33> We're Americans! If all else fails, deep-fry that sucker -- regardless of what it is.
32> Whenever someone asks where you got the turkey, tell them you married him. *That* joke never gets old.
31> Sure, an apple looks appetizing in a roast pig's mouth, but please consider that turkeys lack an appropriate orifice.
30> Remember: A large family dinner is God's way of saying "I hate you."
29> Six or seven good-sized squirrels can be sewn together into a reasonable semblance of a turkey. Just don't be too forceful with the stuffing.
28> Uncle Marty unhitching his belt buckle after dessert is a sign he enjoyed his meal, not cause for a frantic call to 911.
27> It's considered impolite to refer to stuffing the turkey as "buggering the bird."
26> Despite Uncle Louie's insistence, unlimited helpings of "turkey" refers to the poultry, not Wild Turkey 101.
25> Best not sit your adult Native American guests at the children's table.
24> A systematic reassembly of the giblets on a serving tray both educates the kids and aesthetically pleases the adults.
23> Shredded stock trading documents make lovely basket stuffers! (Martha Stewart only)
22> Fresh apple cider is a fall treat for the kids, and you can surprise them with a post-Halloween trick by substituting the contents of Grandpa's catheter bag.
21> Never pull the hostess' legs apart and yell, "C'mon, Cousin Roy, make a wish!"
20> Here's a time-saving recipe for rice pilaf: Start with some Minute Rice, then look behind the fridge and add whatever you can peel off the floor.
19> A wishbone can be used as emergency IUD.
18> No matter how funny a voice you make, using the turkey as a hand-puppet probably won't impress your girlfriend's parents.
17> Avoid certain disaster by placing Adam Sandler at the kid's table and his guitar with the adults.
16> Assign Great Aunt Gertrude a helpful task that also keeps her out of the kitchen... like re-roofing the garage.
15> To aid digestion, avoid watching the annual Detroit Lions game.
14> If Grandpa happens to die during dinner, it's impolite to call dibs on his spot at the big-people table.
13> Memo to turkey carver: "Do you want fries with that?" is a little bit funnier every time you say it.
12> For a festive touch, fill finger bowls with raw poultry juices.
11> Keep an extra tureen of gravy handy so you can pour it over the head of anyone who answers a cell phone during the meal.
10> When you say, "I simply MUST have this recipe," don't follow up with, "They're going to ask me about it in the emergency room."
9> If your turkey has four paws and fur, it's time to change butcher shops.
8> Dress comfortably and casually. You'll be eating yourself silly, and since only relatives will be there, you won't be getting laid anyway.
(Note: This tip not applicable in Greater Appalachia.)
7> Although guests love being pampered, it's not generally considered appropriate to unbutton their pants for them after the meal.
6> Fun tip: Glue pine cones to your beer-can hats and fill them with gravy!
5> Don't trust any recipe for mashed potatoes that includes the step, "Now invite Gallagher over."
4> Great Thanksgiving trick: Hide a tape recorder inside the turkey. When stuffing the bird, hit the "play" button.
Your pre-recorded orgasm sounds will delight both family and friends!
3> Be sure the dinnertime seating arrangements leave your unnaturally skinny niece a clear path to the bathroom.
2> Keep the leftover gravy to make frozen gibletsicles for the kids!
1> Accept the Dahmers' invitation if you must, but you'd be wise to take a pass on the "Gran'berry sauce.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): Top ten signs Santa's marriage is in trouble |
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| Posted by Bob John on 14-Aug-2005 | Top ten signs Santa's marriage is in trouble10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students.
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear".
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed.
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie.
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve.
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey.
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom.
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee.
2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace.
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants.
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