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():top list jokes (540): The Top 20 Things Overheard at TopFive's 10th Anniversary Party |
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| Posted by A A. A on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Things Overheard at TopFive's 10th Anniversary Party
20> "I'm telling you even if Gandalf was a 12th-level wizard, my half-elf paladin could kick his ass any day."
19> "Oh, wow, you're Bill Muse? That is SO cool! Say something funny!"
18> "From what I heard, the stocks were still falling when the repo guys took the TopFive helicopter."
17> "Okay, which one of you jokers hid the weapons of mass intoxication?"
16> "Sorry, sir, only members of the '20 #1-Club' and female contributors allowed past this point."
15> "Hey, wait a minute, there's more than three layers in this three-layer bean dip!"
14> "Waiter, could you make that 200 separate checks, please?"
13> "2004 -- what a great year! TopFive's 10th anniversary and the Olsen twins turn 18."
12> "Who brought the monkey?" "Monkey? That's Hollister!"
11> "...so then Chris said, 'Give me one good reason why I shouldn't boot you outta here,' and I said, 'I'll give you 30 reasons, split over two days 'cause I'm lazy, then I'll throw in some lame-ass leftover reasons to make you think you're getting your money's worth!'"
10> "I can beat that easily: I haven't been laid in almost *three* years."
9> "And this is a photo of my youngest daughter, Chester."
8> "Yeah, sure, that's really interesting, Pat. Say, did you bring Vanna?"
7> "All right, c'mon in. Just make sure youse don't look Mr. White in the eyes."
6> "Bartender, trust me on this one: Whatever you do, don't make any hurricanes!"
5> "I swear: Muse came out of Chris' room, saw his pants were down and scampered back in. That means 10 more years of Muse #1s!"
4> "And Mr. White has given us this fine great goose to enjoy. God bless us every one!"
3> "Oooooooooh, Mr. Moneybags has his own apartment."
2> "Okay, officer, we'll promise to keep the noise down if *you* promise that ALL YOUR WEAPONS ARE BELONG TO US!"
1> "Who's the tall guy in the poodle skirt?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows |
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| Posted by Chris P. Bacon on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows
15> Mork & Mindy: Mork is detained by the Department of Homeland Security.
14> Star Trek: Kirk introduces nurse Chapel to his "personal phaser" and sets it to vibrate.
13> Gomer Pyle, USMC: "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" Gomer has trouble keeping a "don't ask, don't tell" secret.
12> M*A*S*H: Radar finally loses his virginity after the 4077th gets a shipment of sheep.
11> All in the Family: Gloria threatens to divorce Michael unless he changes his nickname to Vegetablehead.
10> Cheers: It's pot-luck night and Woody brings a hookah. "High"-jinks ensue.
9> Howdy Doody: Howdy faces his draft-dodging past when confronted by his decorated Korean War veteran brother, Tourov.
8> The Love Boat: A surprise mutiny results in Captain Stubing being hung from the yardarm as Isaac the bartender's reign of terror begins.
7> My Mother the Car: Feeling old and unattractive, Mother has some new "air bags" installed.
6> Bewitched: Mrs. Kravitz catches Samantha in bed with both Darrins at the same time.
5> The Honeymooners: In an ironic twist, Alice is chosen to be the first woman to participate in the space program.
4> Green Acres: Arnold comes down with mad pig disease.
3> Three's Company: Jack overhears something shocking and rather than jumping to conclusions, asks if he might have misunderstood. The crisis averted, the roommates spend the rest of the episode tending to their pet rock.
2> Lassie: Timmy's "Fire Hydrant" Halloween costume is accidentally ruined.
1> The Brady Bunch: Marcia's plan to make extra money as a "lady of the evening" goes awry when serial murderer Sam the Butcher becomes her first customer.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code |
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| Posted by The Breather on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code16> The number of stars in a Norman Rockwell painting represents the number of times he got to bang the housewife.15> Painted as a coded rebuke of Catholicism, each poker-playing dog represents a different pope.14> Nostradamus embellished his original prediction, which stated merely: HAZY IS THE REPLY, LATER THOU MUST TRY.13> In the Boulevard of Broken Dreams painting of Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart and James Dean in a diner, Jimi Hendrix was in the men's room taking a leak.12> As part of a Satanic pact, Ben Stiller and Ben Affleck are assigned to signal the arrival of Armageddon when the combined number of their box office flops reaches 666.11> Reading every seventh word from Shakespeare's Hamlet provides a recipe for a killer five-alarm chili.10> A cheap Rolex knock-off purchased on the streets of Manhattan inspired Dali to paint Persistence of Memory.9> The Last Supper shows the disciples prefer the blood of Christ over Coke in a blind taste test.8> The physical motions of the macarena, viewed in a mirror, represent the American Sign Language translation of The Godfather.7> Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam was conceived under the working title Hey Adam, Come Over Here and Pull Your Creator's Finger!6> Monet changed his name to Manet in an attempt to elude creditors.5> The background of Edvard Munch's The Scream is obviously Neverland Ranch.4> Jesus' middle name was Herman.3> Duchamp's original idea for Nude Descending a Staircase was squelched by his beloved model when she refused to slide down the handrail wearing only a cowboy hat, boots and spurs.2> In Mondrian's abstract Composition No. 10, the red square is totally faking it.1> A race of people with both eyes on the same side of their noses controlled Spain throughout much of the 20th century. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our NRA Seminar List |
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| Posted by Kate Edwards on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our NRA Seminar List[Punctuation and spelling belong to the authors, not the editor.]16> I THINK THAT THOSES SAYINGS ARE PREVERTED.15> Yeah, I own a civilian AK. I own a civilian AR. And a buncha other toys.14> [1st message] it is not a notion you moron, it is called the 2nd Admendment to the Constitution.....enough said. [2nd message] ok I feel stupid, I misspelled amendment, DOH!13> Every opinion provokes an equal but opposite opinion, whether you want it to or not.12> Making fun of a pack of squealing girly-men's pwecious wittle guns is sure to attract dozens upon dozens of quasi-coherent Randyan rants and buffoonish threats to water the apparently parched Tree of Liberty with gallon's of one's blood. 11> YOU HAVE ALREADY VIOLATED MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT BY TELLING ME NOT TO WRITE AND NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS AS WELL10> Didn't know you were a bunch of liberal pansies.9> Do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?8> There may not be a vast gobal conspirocy to ban guns, [...]7> I'm leaving your Top 5 list because I think you're a pinko bastard.6> Go f**k yourself you moron.5> Bite It. Stupid people who don't seem to rember if it wasn't for guns then ythis country would not be here today.4> Another point is that if I write a sentence of the form, Because blah blah blah, X You can't say that because of the exact nature of the blah, blah, blah, not X, or Y was meant instead of X. 3> If you aren't prepared to eat your neibor's cat, you aren't prepared.2> I do not condone anyone for their choices.1> I tell you what buddy I own tons of guns and I kill poor little defensless animals and I happen to have a huge Pecker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999, 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by will on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Desperate Tourism Slogans16> Come for the Squalor, Stay for the Stonings! 15> We Put the Host in Hostage 14> Okay, What If We *Were* the Last Place on Earth? Huh? What THEN, Smart Boy?!? 13> Come Join the Search for Our Weapons of Mass Destruction! 12> As Seen on the Discovery Channel's Shark Week 11> Genital Mutilation -- With a Smile! 10> So Much Fun, We Can't Even Get Your Soldiers to Leave! 9> Why Pay Exorbitant Spa Prices? Try Our Montezuma Weight-Loss Plan! 8> Cannibalism, Schmannibalism 7> For Your Convenience, Our Syphilitic, Toothless, Mentally Unstable Prostitutes Now Accept Visa! 6> Hey, Disneyland's Not the Only Place in the World With Giant Rodents 5> Become Nebraska's 1000th Tourist and We'll Put You on Our State Quarter! 4> That Smell? Why, It's Old-World Charm!! 3> Yes, That's Dog in the Stew, But It's *Free Range* Dog 2> Our Customs Officers Have Small, Girlish Hands 1> Ethnically Cleansed for Your Protection [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends |
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| Posted by Crissie D. Craig on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends15> Now which one of you is the backstabbing slut and which is the brainless gossip who doesn't know when to shut up?14> Outfitting the guest room in style: Smoked-glass mirrored headboard on the queen-sized waterbed and 90-thread-count NASCAR sheets.13> Frisking them for weapons every half hour.12> Offering to help the guys repaint their living room a color that's a little less gay.11> Relying too heavily on the purty mouth family of comments.10> Staring down their blouses while saying in a low voice, You got any biscuits in there?9> Surprising his buddies by bringing out a lovely Super Bowl halftime luncheon of pickled okra and watercress finger sandwiches. On Hello Kitty plates.8> Shooting Jodie Foster.7> Nice try, there, sweetheart -- but let me show you how we professionals roll a burrito down at Taco Bell.6> Look, can we skip all this small talk and just get down to doing shots? I don't know how much longer I can stand you all sober.5> No, we haven't had sex yet -- or as we call it in Klingon, 'nga'chug.'4> When playing charades, pointing emphatically at one of them as your clue, then revealing that the secret phrase was butt-ugly conniving money-hungry skank-ass ho.3> Singing the lyrics to Styx songs in pig Latin.2> Privately confiding you've been knocking at her back door, but she won't answer.1> Presenting them all with friendship bracelets woven from your own pubic hair. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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