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():top list jokes (540): The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day |
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| Posted by Mr HaHa Man on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day25> "No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey."
24> "Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break room for plunderin'."
23> "Sixteen men an' a copier mess -- yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner."
22> "Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that* vessel."
21> "I'll be keelhaulin' the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy Tupperware in the break room sink!"
20> "Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we'll one day partake of noontime grub together."
19> "No, Bob, I will not 'shiver your timbers.' I will, however, call my attorney."
18> "To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!"
17> "Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones' locker! Nobody flush... I'll go get me hook."
16> "Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey."
15> "Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes upon me?"
14> "Fax ahoy, mateys!"
13> "Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule's port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!"
12> "No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye can store that hook!"
11> "Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!"
10> "Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin' a reboot first? Arrr! It's the plank for you, ye mangy cur... and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!"
9> "Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!"
8> "Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr ye willin' ta die fer that parking spot?"
7> "Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water... bear ye left past the Chamber of Meetings... and a minute's voyage down the Great Carpeted Hallway... the unisex bathroom'll be on yer port side."
6> "Aye, if it's a large treasure chest and amazin' booty ye seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist."
5> "Boss, I'll be borrowin' a coupla doubloons from petty cash fer some Ho Ho's and a bottle of rum."
4> "Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?"
3> "Arrr! I've arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration."
2> "Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!"
1> "Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin' slivers o' potato fried in the popular French style with that?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Rejected Names for Gated Communities |
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| Posted by Wonder-Woman N. Super Man on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Rejected Names for Gated Communities16> Thunderbird Estates
15> Dot Commons
14> Belly Acres
13> Downwind Chalupa Manor
12> Rich Olde Whitehaven
11> Tim Meadows
10> Snobschwitz
9> Tartar Crest
8> The Runs
7> Foxworthy Mobile Estates
6> Hoffa's End
5> Old Indian Burial Ground Acres
4> Burning Stream
3> Run Forest Run
2> Boxer Trails
1> Morningwood
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 20 Martha Stewart Household Tips for Dumb People |
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| Posted by John A. Bennett on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Martha Stewart Household Tips for Dumb People20> Quick-dry plaster + friggin' cats that keep crapping on the rug = instant bookends!
19> Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you!
18> Sex isn't nearly as disgusting when you use a hand-knitted penis cozy.
17> To know when to change to the next square of toilet paper, label them with consecutive days of the week.
16> A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky beans lodged in your ear canal.
15> Don't discard used toothpicks -- simply glue on some belly button lint and you'll never pay for Q-tips again.
14> A wreath of dirty underwear is great for repelling mosquitoes!
13> Freeze some urine in a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle, then break the glass for an ice sculpture that'll have your guests talking!
12> Nail bars of soap to the bottom of your shoes and hose down the kitchen floor and you've just created your own indoor Olympic skatin' rink!
11> In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.
10> BayWatch videos can help get those flabby forearms in shape.
9> Always buy two pairs of the same socks; that way, if you lose a sock, you have two replacements.
8> An activity as simple as counting will help to ensure that your "Top 5" list did not actually exceed five items.
7> Duct taping the baby to a ceiling fan after meals makes for a lively game of "Dodge the Chunks!"
6> Fill up those holes in the bathroom tile grout with Mother Nature's own sealant: snot!
5> Adding sprigs of baby's breath behind the ears of a loved one's corpse is sure to lift everyone's spirits during the funeral.
4> A dead dog makes an excellent door stop -- for a while.
3> While the common method of flushing a dead fish down the toilet can be sad for the kids, putting the aquarium snail down the garbage disposal makes an interesting sound that can be enjoyed by all.
2> In the fall, you can sew leaves back onto your trees to delay the onset of winter.
1> With a Hefty 40-gallon trash can liner and cable tie-wrap, you'll have grandma's daily colostomy bags changes down to once a month.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Tahys on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Predictions for 2004 (Part II)15> High-school dropout fast-food workers are disappointed to learn they can't win the gold in the Greece Olympics.
14> In the last quarter of 2004, sales of 2005 calendars skyrocket.
13> George W. Bush again uses the WMD excuse to invade one or more of the following: Iran, Syria, Cuba, Canada, Club Med Cancun.
12> Come Christmas, millions once again are reduced to helpless tears of laughter by "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Like, when the singer says, "Sing along, Grandpa!" and a really deep voice joins the chorus, is that HILARIOUS or what?
11> The planet Mars sues NASA for littering.
10> God's existence is proven once and for all when the wedding of Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher is torched by a lightning bolt from an absolutely cloudless sky.
9> Kobe Bryant, Scott Peterson, Michael Jackson and Robert Blake all testify that they were playing poker at O.J.'s house on the nights in question.
8> The Olsen twins turn 18, lift the restraining order and begin to return my calls.
7> The next American Idol makes viewers forget all about Ruben and Clay -- not to mention Kelly and the guy with the hair.
6> Britney Spears reveals she has a fetish for humor list contributors. Also, Richard Simmons has a heterosexual romance with Amelia Earhart on the island of Atlantis.
5> Having exhausted all other outlets to try to save the planet, U2 singer Bono runs for president of Earth.
4> FOX TV produces a reality show starring two other children of hotel magnates: Lisbon Sheraton and Florence Motel6.
3> Florida tries to win back the goofiest state status from California by replacing its governor with SpongeBob SquarePants.
2> The gaping hole in the fabric of space and time opened by "Gigli" in 2003 continues to grow. Among the resulting phenomena: Pee-Wee Herman is arrested for securities fraud and Martha Stewart is caught "pleasuring herself" in a Home Depot.
1> "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" loses the ratings battle to "Lesbian Lips on a Straight Girl's Nips."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Minty Fresh on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Predictions for 2004 (Part I)
15> In an attempt to lower the cost of government, President Bush eliminates the month of September.
14> Keith Richards dies and is cremated; the smoke makes the entire city of London high for three days.
13> A presidential debate brings to light the fact that Al Gore didn't actually invent the Internet -- Howard Dean did.
12> Lance Armstrong wins his sixth consecutive Tour de France despite being forced by the French government to ride a Big Wheel.
11> With a cry of "Now Unite for Great Justice!" all nine Democratic candidates merge together into UltraDemBot to take on George W. Bush in the presidential election.
10> Despite a petition signed by most of TopFive's contributors, "Disciplining the Primate" is once again rejected as an Olympic event.
9> World peace achieved, cancer cured, that babe in marketing goes out with-- Hey! Who slipped the acid into my Fresca?
8> Saddam Hussein's execution by firing squad is postponed when Halliburton tries to charge $300,000 per bullet.
7> In an attempt to bolster his failing career, Joe Piscopo dangles his 4-month-old child from stage over a group of nasty hecklers.
6> NASA scientists are astounded when J.Lo's ass develops its own gravitational pull.
5> A surprisingly underachieving contestant pulls out a second consecutive win on a new reality TV series that pits a dozen equally inept Americans against one another for the title of "President of the United States."
4> Building on the success of re-hiring Joe Gibbs, the Washington Redskins name Y.A. Tittle their starting quarterback.
3> McDonald's joins the low-carb diet trend and offers fries composed entirely of beef fat.
2> John Kerry loses the presidential election when his plan to appeal to Britney Spears fans by French-kissing Al Gore and Bill Bradley on stage backfires and leaves him with unsightly cold sores.
1> Jesus returns to Earth and sees his shadow, resulting in six more years of reality TV.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Signs a Cartoon Character Is Getting Old |
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| Posted by Gledson Bernardelli Pereira on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs a Cartoon Character Is Getting Old14> The only thing wonderful about Wonder Woman is her Wonderbra. 13> Charlie Brown switches his affection to the little blue-haired girl. 12> Wile E. Coyote receives fewer parcels from ACME, more parcels from AARP. 11> New royal title: King Valiant. New color for horrid mixing-bowl haircut: gray. 10> Sylvester's only interested in the Early Tweety Bird Special. 9> The X-Men have become the Ex-Lax Men. 8> Popeye's face retains the shape of the frying pan Bluto hit him with for the rest of the episode. 7> Dilbert's tie no longer points upward without pharmaceutical help. 6> Cathy finally gives up on men and moves into a Greenwich Village flat with Marcie and Peppermint Patty. 5> Pepe LePew no longer makes any scents. 4> SpongeBob's SquarePants are now UpToHisArmpits, and he can't seem to get rid of that rank dirty-dish smell. 3> Bugs spends a lot of time in the examination room asking, What's up with my prostate, Doc? 2> Now retired and living in Florida, Zonker Harris and Michael Doonesbury unintentionally vote for Bush -- again. 1> His wife has taken to calling him Limpy Limppecker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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