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| Posted by Sarah Rebeca on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 9 Signs Your Roommate Is A Cannibal9> You often wake up to find your hand in a pot of warm water -- with potatoes and carrots.
8> Always clipping those "Flabby White Guy Helper" coupons.
7> All the empty McDonner's containers he leaves around the apartment.
6> Maybe he said "head of lettuce" when you asked about what was wrapped up the refrigerator, but it sure sounded like "head of Cleatus."
5> Every day, the same routine -- he comes home from med school and lets loose a big, loud, formaldehyde-smelling burp.
4> Nervously changes the channel whenever "Cannibals Caught on Tape" comes on.
3> The tubby kid from across the hall is missing; she's trying to decide which windows to click down on her Richard Simmons Food Planner.
2> Well, *you* sure didn't buy that box of BitchQuick in the cupboard.
1> When you ask what he wants on the pizza, he always says, "Ask if they have buttocks."
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
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| Posted by *DevilGrl* on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Real Statistics That We Made Up16> Number of dentists not intimidated by the powerful Trident lobbying committee: 1 out of 5
15> Recommended average inflation pressure for TopFive contributor dates: 100 PSI
Average ACTUAL inflation pressure for TopFive contributor dates: 150 PSI
14> Percentage of "very special episodes" on "Blossom": 82%
13> Number of votes by which George W. Bush carried Florida:
862 +/- 9301
12> Amount of time it takes the average office worker to ALT+TAB from HoochieWorld.com to an Excel spreadsheet: .052 seconds
11> Ratio of Cheney arterial blockage to Bush synaptic blockage: 1 to 1
10> Chances that Suzi, newly added to your ICQ list, is actually female: 62%
9> Lifespan of a $45 bouquet of anniversary roses: Two FRIGGIN' days
8> Probability of the new U.S. President doing his Tom Cruise dancing in his Jockies in "Risky Business" impersonation in the Oval Office before 2004: One-hundred-percentiary, dude!
7> Probability that anything will happen when you walk into a room and flick the wall switch:
98% (nationwide)
46% (California)
6> The amount of time Anna Nicole Smith has used up so far: 14 minutes, 59.7 seconds
5> Most frequent odors encountered when meeting Jesse Helms: Tobacco, Brut, Brimstone, Ham
4> Percentage of Americans who have difficulty grasping mathematical concepts: Purple
3> Exact number of dots on the office ceiling at my lousy-ass, dead-end job: 36,783
2> Odds of making the top 5 list without first introducing Chris White to some crisp Franklins: 1 in 104,376
1> Number of Supreme Court justices it takes to screw in a dim bulb: 5
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Oscar Acceptance Speeches We'd Like to Hear |
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| Posted by john mcgilvray on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Oscar Acceptance Speeches We'd Like to Hear13> "I can really feel the love tonight -- apart from the venomous glares of the losers, that is."
12> "I'd like to thank my parents, for the deep psychological scars they inflicted which led me to seek out a career where I can get the empty, whore-like attention I so crave."
11> "Dude, was I in that movie? Man, maybe I really should be in rehab."
10> "And I'd like to thank the Church of Scientology, without whom I would have enough money that I wouldn't have had to make this movie in the first place."
9> "I'd like to thank Palm Beach County for designing this year's ballot..."
8> "I'd like to thank the Academy for this award -- but since I had to sleep with the guy from Price-Waterhouse..."
7> "I'm sure I'll appreciate the irony of this achievement three years from now, when I'm stuck doing 'Hollywood Squares' to pay the rent."
6> "And in closing, I'd like to invite Roger Ebert to bite me..."
5> "...and to my wife who stuck by me all these years: Sorry, Babe, but Oscar means a supermodel upgrade."
4> "Achieving this kind of success as an actor is a struggle. That's why I'd like you all to consider how much extra money you could be making as an Amway distributor..."
3> "...and most of all, this means no more blowing directors to get the good roles."
2> "I'd like to thank my boyfriend, Benjamin Brat for all his support, the director, Steven Soderbergh, for including me in this great project, and of course, Mephistopheles, Lord of the Hoary Netherworld, for my entire career."
1> "I accept this award not just for me, but for *all* the dudes out there who occasionally lose their cars."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Amy E. Allendorf on 13-Aug-2005 | The Shotgun RulesThe Shotgun Rules version 1.1
The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding.
Section I The Basic Rules
1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call.
2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle.
3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons.
Section II Special Cases
These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.
1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
3. In the instance the the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.
Section III The Survival of the Fittest Rule
1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fittest Rule on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting I-4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force.
2. The driver must announce the institution of the Survival of the Fittest Rule with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.
Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability.
If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule I-4.|
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Topics for The Top 5 List in the Year 2098 |
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| Posted by Gone2mars on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Topics for The Top 5 List in the Year 209813. Top 5 Reasons Dick Clark's Hair Is Still Brown
12. Top 5 Signs Adam Sandler is Too Old to be Re-elected President
11. Top 5 Signs Your Galactiball Team Won't Beat the Ganymede Cosmobots This Astroyear
10. Top 5 Strom Thurmond Campaign Slogans
9. Top 5 Revived Walt Disney Pet Peeves
8. Top 5 Surprises on The Rolling Stones New Tour
7. Top 5 Signs You, Too, Might Be a Distant Relative of William Jefferson Clinton
6. Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Parents You're Straight
5. Top 5 Benefits of the USA/Microsoft Merger
4. Top 5 Reasons to Pull the Life Support on the 110-Year-Old Olsen Twins
3. Top 5 Signs You Went Outside Without Your 250 SPF Sunblock
2. Top 5 Things You Don't Want to Find in Your Dinner Pill
1. Top 5 Signs Your Roommate's Sexdroid is in the Shop
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Katie Earle on 13-Aug-2005 | Words of wisdom from Homer Simpson"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life.
Number one, 'cover for me.'
Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"
"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
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