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| Posted by Barry B on 14-Aug-2005 | The Train RideOne day after a war was over, a general and a private were
riding a train home, and the private was sitting in an aisle
seat, and was waiting for the train to pull out of the station,
when he looks up, and sees the prettiest girl he had ever seen
walk in the car, and she's coming closer, and closer, finally
she takes the seat directly across the aisle, and he gives her
one of those cool smooth looks, and then he looks down the aisle
again and sees....Grandma (who is a stout woman) coming over.
Now she has seen the look from the private to her granddaughter,
and gives the girl a little shove and the girl has to move over
to the window seat. The private is more than a little
disappointed because his view has just gone from gorgeous, to
old and ugly.
About an hour into the ride, They came into this tunnel, and
it's pitch black in the train, you hear this smoooooch, then
SMACK. The Beautiful girl is thinking, "I am so glad he kissed
me. I just wish my grandma hadn't decked him!"
The grandma is thinking, "I can't believe the NERVE of that
young man, really, kissing my granddaughter! I am sooo glad she
slapped him!"
The general is thinking, "I am so proud of my private, he saw an
opportunity, and he seized the opportunity, I just wish her
grandma would have hit him instead of me!"
The young private was thinking, "I must be the luckiest man in
the world, I got to kiss the prettiest girl I've ever seen, and
I got to deck my general without getting in trouble for it."
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| Posted by Ishboo M. Sac on 14-Aug-2005 | The Good, Bad and UglyGood: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: You wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: You're daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend
Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
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| Posted by janaki on 14-Aug-2005 | Full StopA police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche
after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and
registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
ways, and proceed with caution."
"you gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir".
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete
stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and. . ."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and
coming to a complete stop."
The police officer had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened
the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to
methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
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| Posted by nick on 14-Aug-2005 | Piss BetA group of guys are in a bar and one of them walks up to the
bartender and bets him $500 that he can piss in a beer mug from
across the bar and not spill a drop. Considering the odds of it
the bar tender agrees to the bet and sets the mug across from
the man on the bar. The man unzipped his pants and pulled his
dick out and began to focus on the mug. He starts to pee and he
pisses all over the bar, the customers and the bartender. And
the bar tender is laughing cause he just mad $500. The bartender
says to the guy, "Where is my money?" And the guy walks back to
the table where his friends are and comes back smiling and lays
the money on the bar. The bartender is puzzled why the man was
smiling after losing $500 and asks the man, "Why are so happy
you lost the bet?" The man replies, "I might have lost the bet
with you, but I bet my budies over there $2000 that I could piss
on you, your bar, and your customers and you'd laugh about it."
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| Posted by Jeremy W. Thompson on 14-Aug-2005 | Would You Kill My WifeA guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
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| Posted by Wes Bundy on 14-Aug-2005 | 19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."
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