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| Posted by Aaron R. Whittington on 13-Aug-2005 | The truth about BridgeA cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, 'Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!' I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine. Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'
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| Posted by Dianthus W on 13-Aug-2005 | Fishing jokeA couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. 'Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!' the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
'Well, son,' said the Game Warden, 'you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!'
'Yes, sir,' replied the young guy, 'but my friend back there, well, he don't have one.'
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():nerd jokes (650): The sound of a train in the distance |
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| Posted by Alejandra Murrietta on 13-Aug-2005 | The sound of a train in the distanceA fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, 'Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?'
The desert man replies, 'Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small.'
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| Posted by kyle loucas on 13-Aug-2005 | Trick questionThe local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job. 'Okay,' the sheriff drawled, 'Gomer, what is 1 and 1?'
'11' he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, 'That's not what I meant, but he's right.' 'What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?'
'Today and tomorrow.' He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
'Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, 'I don't know.'
'Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?'
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. 'It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!'
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| Posted by Rick Bron on 13-Aug-2005 | The pope and the queenThe Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, 'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.' The Pope replied, 'No way! You can't do that.' The Queen said, 'Watch this!' So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, 'Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.' He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.' The Queen replied, 'No way, it can't be done.' So, the Pope head-butted her.
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