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| Posted by Ben Hadden on 11-Aug-2005 | The Worst Golf FoursomeWhat is the worst golf foursome?
O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, Monica Lewinski, and Bill Clinton.
Why?
O.J. Slices, Kennedy can't go near the water, Monica hooks, and Bill does not know what hole he is on.
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| Posted by Tr Howes on 11-Aug-2005 | Suggestions for Guys...Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or Using a Public Bathroom
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
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| Posted by Misy on 11-Aug-2005 | Special BallA golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
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| Posted by jeanine k. kivimaki on 11-Aug-2005 | SliceJoe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"
Joe says, "Yes I did."
"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending 3 people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."
"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," the cop says... "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
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| Posted by Bill Smith on 11-Aug-2005 | Lucky FrogA man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me".
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
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| Posted by Jayla M. McLeod on 11-Aug-2005 | Laws of GolfLAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number
of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of
a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
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