The Worst Thing

Costly Rug

Excerpts from Seinfeld

• I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

• I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear_view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
• You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
• Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
• You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

• The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim."

• I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"
• Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat. "The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."

• What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

• Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
• The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

Stewardess Comments

• "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
• "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
• "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
• Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
• Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
• Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
• And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
• As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!
• "Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.
• As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
• "And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

Even More Confucius

• Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
• Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
• He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
• Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
• Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
• Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
• Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
• Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
• Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
• Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
• Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
• Modern house without toilet uncanny.
• Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring.
• Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
• Man who have hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
• Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth.
• Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
• Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk?
• Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.
• Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
• Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
• Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
• Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
• Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
• Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
• Man who fights with wife all day, gets no peace at night.
• Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
• Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
• Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.
• Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
• Girls should not marry basketball players, they dribble before they shoot.
• Woman who flies upside-down have crack up.
• He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
• Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.
• Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
• A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
• He who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
• He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
• Epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.

Old Husband