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| Posted by Big Huka on 14-Aug-2005 | Things That Bother MeThe Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no
genitals.
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvment, then there must have been something wrong with it
before.
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
change the channel manually.
The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the
phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's
Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? How did Patrick
find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between
"Hello and it's Patrick." And why the hell do you have big
sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you
people play Pictionary over the phone often?
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What,
should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of
course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that
thing over there. What did you come here for?
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me
a choice, did ya there buddy?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I
know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I
point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
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| Posted by Samantha kicks arse on 14-Aug-2005 | Interesting FactsA multitude of weird things that you probably didn't know:
All porcupines float in water.
Armadillos are the only animals besides humans that can get
leprosy.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks
otherwise it will digest itself.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is 'uncopyrightable'.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up.
The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling
out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all
of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back
down again.
If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need
gravity to swallow.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the 7th floor of a
building, it has about 30% less chance of surviving than a cat
that falls off the 20th floor. It supposedly takes about eight
floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and
correct itself.
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Norvelle Rogers is the real name of 'Shaggy' in Scooby Doo.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air
crashes.
Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.
Cat's urine glows under UV light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the
child reaches 2-6 years of age.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
If a statue in a park is of a person on a horse that has both
front legs in the air, then the person died in battle. If the
horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result
of wounds received in battle; the horse has all four legs on the
ground, the person died of natural causes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver and purple.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
In "Casablanca", Humphrey Bogart never said, "Play it again,
Sam".
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves to death.
Starfishes have no brains.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
There. Don't you feel better for knowing all of that?
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| Posted by mr piemanmoo on 14-Aug-2005 | Deaf and Mute ParentsA young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his
dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he
finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes
better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date
the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives
at her house with flowers and candy.
To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come
in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you
while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they
are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to
her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is
a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely
silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and
mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, mom jumps from her
chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a
glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, dad launches
himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her
from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a
match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into
eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
Ten minutes later, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready
for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young
man completely distracted by the ongoings earlier in the living
room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have
I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's
just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for
you and I am still a bit shocked. First your mother jumps from
her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and
throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that
weren't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over
the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and
places a match stick by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.
"That's how they communicate! Mom was simply saying, 'Are you
going to get this asshole a drink?' and dad replied, 'No, fuck
him. I'm watching the match.'"
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| Posted by William Cash on 14-Aug-2005 | Things To Do In An Elevator1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"
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| Posted by Nadia Issa on 14-Aug-2005 | Jesus is Watching YouLate one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze
in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching
you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,
"What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler
Jesus."
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| Posted by Ren R. Renford on 14-Aug-2005 | Skiing TripPeter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into
a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house
if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney.
He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
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