THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT...

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa...

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works



I've busted my ass for damn near a year

Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight



Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter



They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ....Those mean little shits



I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!



If you think that's bad...just picture this

Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard

And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird



Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment



There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Ebonics Christmas Story!!...

Ebonics Christmas Story!!



'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,

Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.

The tube socks was hung on the window sill

and we all had smiles up on our grill.

Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib

in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.

And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,



All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,

Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.

I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'



I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!

She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.

I said, for real doe, come check dis out.



We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.

Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way

Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.



Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat

I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"

He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,

"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"

To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,

We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"



He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,

and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.



I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"

he  said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!

But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz

I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."

Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings

a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.

He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,

and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.



I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"

he said,"You best get on up out my face!"

His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,

His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.



He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.

Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.

A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,

He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof

He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,

To tap that booty waitin' at home.



And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,

was a loud and hearty.....

"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have...

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged...

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald
Angels Sing...About Me!

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town...OH!!!!!! Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Town...And He Is Out to Get Me!

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
then maybe I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty
lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to
Me...and then took it all away!

Singing Tree Tattles On Burglar Suspects...

BATON ROUGE, La. (Reuters) - A singing Christmas tree tattled on two teenage
burglary suspects in Louisiana, leaving the boys with backsides full of
buckshot rather than handfuls of loot, police said Tuesday.

Businessman Leon Wilson, Sr., 59, had been robbed twice last week, so he
started sleeping in his store Friday night and set up a makeshift burglar
alarm -- a motion-activated toy Christmas tree his wife had perched near the
store's cash register. Wilson said the toy annoyed him everytime someone
walked by.

When motion is detected, the tree's eyes pop open, its mouth moves and it
calls out "Merry Christmas, Everybody!" before singing "Jingle Bells." Wilson
set up the toy near the door and stretched out on a couch in the back.

Early Monday morning, the singing Christmas tree went off and he spotted two
burglars near the cash register, armed with a crowbar they allegedly used to
pry open the door, Wilson said.

"They spotted me and bolted for the door and I started shooting, aiming low
cause I didn't want to kill them," he said. "I don't think the Lord would have
blessed me for that. But now, maybe, burglars won't come back here."

Baton Rouge police said the two 16-year-old suspects, one with buckshot in
his buttocks and the other with a minor leg wound, were arrested on burglary
charges and released to their parents.

Police did not identify the boys because they are juveniles.

Police said no charges were filed against Wilson, although the case will be
forwarded to the district attorney for review.