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Things That Sound Dirty

* "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
* "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

* "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

* "Talk about a huge breast!"

* "It's Cool Whip time!"

* "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

* "Are you ready for seconds yet?"

* "Are you going to come again next Year?"

* "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

* "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

* "Don't play with your meat."

* "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

* "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

* "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

* "You still have a little bit on your chin."

* "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

* "How long will it take after you stick it in?"

* "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

* "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

* "How many are coming?"

* "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

* "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

* "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

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	():holiday jokes (333): Top 15 Rejected Christmas

Posted by Lili M. B on 11-Aug-2005

Top 15 Rejected Christmas

15. "Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street -- A Times Square Christmas"
14. Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"

13. Van Damme IS "Santa Claude"

12. Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"

11. "The Deep II -- A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"

10. "There's No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"

9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in "Naked Buns II"

8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"

7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" ("Of course, I'd be an excellent President.")

6. "It's a Wonderful Life, My Ass -- Pass the Malt Liquor"

5. Steven Segal IS "MissleToe"

4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

3. He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them some "new" reindeer games in "Rudolph II -- First Blood"

2. "Blazing Saddles 2 -- How the Stench Stole Christmas"

1. "No, YOU Open It!" -- 'A Ted Kaczynski Christmas'

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	():holiday jokes (333): You Killed the Easter Bunny!

Posted by Alli E. Suriani on 11-Aug-2005

You Killed the Easter Bunny!

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in Heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

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	():holiday jokes (333): Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines...

Posted by Douglas D. Badong on 09-Aug-2005

Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines...

Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines

16. Let's play 'bury the shank bone'.

15. Gefilte fish jelly makes great lubrication.

14. I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac.

13. Have you ever done it on a seder plate?

12. Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome.

11. Let's make this night really different from all others nights.

10. Want to wander through my desert?

9. Nice Hagadah!!!

8. What's a girl like you doing at a seder like this?

7. Rabeinu, Moshe Rabeinu. OO7!

6. Would you like to play with my matzah balls?

5. Can I part your Red Sea?

4. There's no law against leavened _______!!!

3. I've got a Ramses in my pockets that wants to put you back into slavery!

2. May I climb your Mt. Sinai's?

AND THE NUMBER ONE PASSOVER PICKUP LINE....

1. Wanna look for MY afeikomen?

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	():holiday jokes (333): Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?...

Posted by Dustin Chernenkoff on 09-Aug-2005

Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?...

Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?

A. Subordinate Clauses.

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	():holiday jokes (333): Top ten way I'm spending this valentine's...

Posted by Globegirl Yeates on 09-Aug-2005

Top ten way I'm spending this valentine's...

Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's day.

10. Watching "Fatal Attraction" over and over to remind me what I'm not
missing.

9. Trying to decide how much to pay for sex ... $20, $50, $200, the rest of
my life?

8. Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back
guarantee.

7. Calling all the women I've gone out with in the last year, and asking them
if they enjoyed my wedding presents.

6. Renting the Jocelyn Elders workout video.

5. Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate, then
eating like a pig.

4. Taking my significant other, Candy, to be patched at the local bicycle
repair shop.

3. Compaigning for a law banning the following phrases:

Can't we just be friends?

I think of you as a brother. (sister)

I mean *sleep* together.

You'd like him -- he's a lot like you.

My boyfriend (girlfriend) and i got back together.

Sure, I'll go out with you.. but only casually
(at first this seems innocent until you realize it
means "You buy me food, movies, and
parking, and in the end, I'll break your heart")

You're the only one for me. (when said by a man)

You can trust me. (ditto)

Someday, it'll happen to you (when said by anyone
married).

2. Going cherub hunting with some anti-tank missiles.

....and the #1 way I'm spending valentine's:

1. Ignoring everyone, being surly, anti-social and just generally bitter
about not owning stock in Hallmark.