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| Posted by Rachel E. Winograd on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to do at Wal-Mart1. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 (or Code Brown) in Swimwear," and see what happens,
2. Turn all the radios to a polka station; then turn all of them off and crank the volume to "10".
3. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
4. Put M&M's on layaway.
5. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from Bed & Bath.
7. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
8. TP as much of the store as possible.
9. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone"?
10.Take an entire aisle of toys up by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-men.
11.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
13.Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
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():top list jokes (540): 30 more things we have learned from the movies |
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| Posted by Jo Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | 30 more things we have learned from the movies1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
11. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
12. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
13. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
15. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
16. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
17. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
19. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
26. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
27. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
28. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
29. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
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| Posted by Make Me A. Laugh on 14-Aug-2005 | New Year's ResolutionsBill Clinton: "I resolve, as the number one priority for my second term as president, to direct funding towards necessary land expansion at Mount Rushmore, so I can have my shit-eating grin up there with the big boys."
Newt Gingrich: "I resolve to never again be photographed carrying a bag of garbage out to the front curb, as the general public might get the unfortunate impression that I am a fraternal twin."
Ross Perot: "I resolve to get lost."
OJ Simpson: "I could not, would not, did not, resolve anything last year, nor do I plan to do so this year."
Elmo: "I resolve to stop giggling every time a flock of crazed housewives practically strangle each other in an attempt to tickle me."
Elvis: "I resolve to continue being dead."
Al Franken: "I resolve to stop playing touch football on the beach every year with President Clinton, because I'm good enough and people like me for who I am."
Madonna: "I resolve to wake up each morning, look at myself in the mirror, and scream, "Viva la Argentina!"
Michael Jackson: "I resolve to fully enjoy fatherhood, just as I've enjoyed big brotherhood and all the ensuing legal settlements."
Larry King: "I resolve to stop being so damned pensive all the time."
Eleanor Roosevelt: "I resolve to let my answering machine pick up whenever Hillary or Dionne Warwick calls."
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Least Watched Discovery Channel Specials |
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| Posted by Jack O. Farrelly on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Least Watched Discovery Channel Specials15. "Show me the documentary! -- The Life Cycle of Catch-Phrases"
14. "Hitler: The Man Who Ruined the Box Mustache"
13. "Tasteful American Architecture -- A Termite's Point of View"
12. "Drizzle: More Than Fog, Less Than Rain"
11. "Stalking the Juice Tiger"
10. "We Were What We Ate: Coprolites Through the Ages"
9. "Phases of the Moon: Fraternity Behavior through the Ages"
8. "The Proud, Predictable Hippos of Disney's Jungle Cruise"
7. "PBS -- Threat or Menace?"
6. "Weapons of Literary War: The Witty Zinger and the Pithy Barb"
5. "Nature's Clueless: The Wives of Larry King"
4. "Evolution: Fact, or Darwin Talkin' Out His Ass?"
3. "That One Fly That Sits on the 7-Eleven Donut All Day"
2. "The Vastness of Space: A Trip Between the Ears of Jenny McCarthy"
1. "Boogers!"
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| Posted by Karen D. Detwiler on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Best Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher1.After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.
2.Wesley gets gang-banged by a group of female Klingons.
3.Riker gets carried away executing an order from Piccard to "knock the little snot around a bit."
4.Data catches him jacking off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.
5.Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide.
6.Wes gets gang-banged by a group of male Klingons.
7.On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.
8.In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. ...Wesley's head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.
9.Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes....Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.
10.Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.
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| Posted by Lord Raven on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Your Parents Aren't Human15. While watching "Star Trek - The Next Generation", they always scream, "Wrong! Wrong again!!"
14. No amount of arguing will stop them from voting Republican.
13. Mom has finally kicked her oxygen habit, but Dad still guzzles Prestone like it was Gatorade.
12. Your mom once moistened an envelope with her tongue and sealed it...after you had dropped it in the mail box.
11. Two words: Sansabelt slacks
10. Your first clue? They named you Jon Benet and you don't live in France.
9. Them: three-toed marsupials with pouches. You: love eucalyptus leaves and talk with funny accent.
8. They freak every time a Sigourney Weaver movie comes on.
7. Billy's parents -- the paddle. Timmy's parents -- the belt. Your folks -- the probe.
6. They claim they brought you from France, yet no one in the family is surly.
5. Your navel is threaded.
4. You've escaped countless punishments by distracting them with the sound of the can opener.
3. Your backyard satellite dish is larger than your neighbor's, by about 700 feet.
2. Your chore list includes the item, "polish coffins."
1. In addition to milk, breast feeding menu includes hors d'oeuvres, salad, and an entree.
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