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():other funny jokes (4827): Things to Make You Go Hmm...


Posted by Daniel Chapman on 14-Aug-2005

Things to Make You Go Hmm...

1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
6. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work
station?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon
stick to the pan?
10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is
worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty
litter?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on
money they already know you don't have?
16. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. What year did Jesus think it was?
20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you
complain to?
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
23. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
24. After Eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before
getting out of the water?
25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
27. How come there aren't B batteries?
28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at
1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a
little old man on a bike to deliver?
29. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in
jars?
31. Is a metaphor like a simile?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
34. How is it possible to have a civil war?
35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
42. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
44. How can there be self-help "groups"?
47. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you
have tried some of the others?
46. How do you throw away a garbage can?
47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would
just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we
know?
51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his
underpants on the outside of his trousers?
52. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what
happens when you turn on the headlights?
53. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
54. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
55. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then
put money into telescopes so they can see things on the
ground close-up?
57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that
killing people is wrong?
58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but
he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
61. How do you remove a club soda stain?
62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
64. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

   

12 people have rated this joke:
5.75/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): The Man, the Cat, and the Emu


Posted by Stew pidaso on 14-Aug-2005

The Man, the Cat, and the Emu

A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking. A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender.

After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking. This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required.

Finally, with the man in tears, crying harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what was going on and why he was drinking with an emu, and a cat that refused to buy a round of drinks.

"Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach, as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought longh and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
   

4 people have rated this joke:
5.75/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): Blind Man


Posted by Raleigh Upshur on 14-Aug-2005

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,
who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a
menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it
and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and
takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf
and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells
her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and
leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the
blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty
fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the
blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That
smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind
man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next
time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him
coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub
this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

   

3 people have rated this joke:
5.67/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): Candybar & Lifespan


Posted by whitney on 14-Aug-2005

Candybar & Lifespan

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good
for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you
fat!"

Little Johnny replied. "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old." The man asked, "Well sonny, did your grandfather eat 6
candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

   

9 people have rated this joke:
5.56/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): Poison


Posted by Jesse Jesse on 14-Aug-2005
Poison
Did you know that mayonnaise is one ingredient away from being
poison?


What is the ingredient, you may ask?








Poison.

   

10 people have rated this joke:
5.50/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): Shop Keeper!


Posted by Lauren C. Mcguire on 14-Aug-2005
Shop Keeper!
one day, a man wanted to apply for being a shopkeeper in a
grocery store. So he then walked in to the shop and said," umm,
i want to be a shopkeeper." Then the manager said,"u any good?"
there was silence for a moment so then the manager takes the man
and shows him around and sez," O.K., we will start with a simple
question of a fine product of ours , OK?" and the man said OK.
So, the man pretended as a customer and asked," how much for
this pencil?" the man said," i dunno?" the manager got fustrated
and said, no u idiot! you are supposed to say 25cents! ok? he
said," yah". So he repeated the same thing and the manager was
pleased.Then he asked," how good is it?" the stupid man said,"
Beats me!" and so the manager said," no u moron!" it is best u
can get!!!" so the man said ok. he repeated himself again and
said," So should i buy it?" the man said," how am i supposed to
no!" the manager got fustrated and said," u are supposed to say
u better or someone else will!" so he said ok
The manager was satified so the stupid man was hired. A
bad ass punk walked in and said ," how old u kid?" he said
25cents! then the punk said," are u nuts?" the man said," best u
can get!" the punk then said," my GOSH!, want me to punch u in
the balls?" The stupid man replied with his last words as a
man," u better or someone else will!!!"

   

4 people have rated this joke:
5.50/10
     

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