|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Daniel Chapman on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to Make You Go Hmm...1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
6. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work
station?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon
stick to the pan?
10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is
worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty
litter?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on
money they already know you don't have?
16. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. What year did Jesus think it was?
20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you
complain to?
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
23. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
24. After Eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before
getting out of the water?
25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
27. How come there aren't B batteries?
28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at
1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a
little old man on a bike to deliver?
29. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in
jars?
31. Is a metaphor like a simile?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
34. How is it possible to have a civil war?
35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
42. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
44. How can there be self-help "groups"?
47. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you
have tried some of the others?
46. How do you throw away a garbage can?
47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would
just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we
know?
51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his
underpants on the outside of his trousers?
52. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what
happens when you turn on the headlights?
53. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
54. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
55. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then
put money into telescopes so they can see things on the
ground close-up?
57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that
killing people is wrong?
58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but
he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
61. How do you remove a club soda stain?
62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
64. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
|
4 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by JenReo on 14-Aug-2005 | Snake BiteTwo cowboys are riding into town when they decide they need to take a pee.
While they are peeing a rattlesnake springs up and bites one of them on
their penis. The other cowboy quickly draws his gun and kills the snake.
He then looks at his friend laying on the ground in pain and says, "Don't
move, I'll ride into town and ask the doctor what we should do."
He rides off into town, finds the doctor and tells him what happened. The
doctor tells him the only way to save the man is to make a cut where the
snake bit him and suck out the poisin. The cowboy rides back. His friend
asks, "What did the doctor said?" He replied, "The doctor said that you
are going to die."
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by caramelove on 14-Aug-2005 | The cat, the fly, and the fishOne day there was a cat wtaching the fish watching a fly above
the water and the fish was thinking if that fly drops 6 inches I
can jump up and eat it. The cat was thinkng if the fly drops 6
inches and the fish jumps up to get it I can catch the fish and
eat it. Well, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish jumped, the cat
missed the fish and fell in the pond.
The moral of the story is that when the fly drops 6 inches the
pussy gets wet.
|
8 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Shannon Swiney on 14-Aug-2005 | Life Reflections by George Carlin1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
them.
11. One out of every three Canadians is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they
are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my
wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the
wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore
|
9 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by WilloLuvsSocks on 09-Aug-2005 | Rules to live bySometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month?
One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just
might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Tantilazing
|
3 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Zac C. Condie on 10-Aug-2005 | Hormone - EnzymeQ: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.
|
3 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
