Things Will Rogers Never Said

• Every teen-ager should get a high school education -- even if they already know everything
• Somethings that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair
• A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell
• The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep
• Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer. It's called a clothes line
• Leaders go down in history -- some farther down than others
• Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them
• Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired
• For every judge operating in an official capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed
• It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered
• The more you know, the more you know you ought to know
• The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet
• The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes

Quotes

• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
• If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
• No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
• Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
• If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
• If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.
• If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.
• It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
• My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.
• Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
• No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
• You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
• Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.

You may no longer be cool if...

• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• Your wife buys a flannel nightie and you find that sexy.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
• Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
• You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father's advice.
• You don't know how to operate a FAX machine.
• When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

What Really Happened...

• "I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.
• "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
• "I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
• "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
• "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
• "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
• "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
• "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
• "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
• "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, `ut it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
• "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
• "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
• "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
• "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
• "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
• "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
• "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

For those born in 1980:

• The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
• They have no memory of a time before MTV.
• "New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
• Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, and the Sex Pistols are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.
• They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
• They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
• If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing Congessional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.
• Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
• Their world has always included AIDS.
• Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s.
• They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.
• They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids -- on video.
• Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.
• From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
• As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
• The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing -- and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is beyond them.
• Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they went to Catholic schools.
• If you tell them the joke about the kid pulling a CD out of the cutout bin and saying "Wow! Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings!" they will give you a blank look and ask "What's 'Wings'?"

I'd Love to But

• I want to spend more time with my blender.
• The man on television told me to say tuned.
• It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
• I'm building a pig from a kit.
• I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
• There's a disturbance in the Force.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
• I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
• My plot to take over the world is thickening.
• I have to fulfill my potential.
• It's too close to the turn of the century.
• I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
• I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
• I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
• I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
• I'm trying to be less popular.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I have to rotate my crops.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.