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| Posted by Wojtek Dabrowski on 12-Aug-2005 | Think YOU are having a bad day? . . .THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
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Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
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Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
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Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
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What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
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| Posted by regina on 14-Aug-2005 | What Guys Think Girls Should Know1.. We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.
2.. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole.
3.. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4.. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5.. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6.. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're
going out with you.
7.. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8.. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us
it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9.. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that
our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10.. We never shave our legs. Get over it.
11.. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.
12.. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will
tell us, if you don't.
13.. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14.. We absolutely do not care about, The Backstreet Boys,
*NSYNC, 98 degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that
matter.
15.. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but
at least we can stand up and go pee.
16.. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that
you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17.. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it
would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like
to know that you love us.
18.. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the
plans sometimes.
19.. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you
might just get what you wish for.
20.. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say."
21.. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and
laugh when we believe you.
22.. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like
yours better anyway.
23.. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a
relationship
24.. PMS is not an excuse.
25.. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you
should put it up when you're done.
26.. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't
turn us on.
27.. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his
stomach.....and maybe....oh nevermind.
28.. And last but not least: We know you're not always right,
but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
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| Posted by Daniel Chapman on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to Make You Go Hmm...1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
6. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work
station?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon
stick to the pan?
10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is
worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty
litter?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on
money they already know you don't have?
16. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. What year did Jesus think it was?
20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you
complain to?
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
23. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
24. After Eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before
getting out of the water?
25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
27. How come there aren't B batteries?
28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at
1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a
little old man on a bike to deliver?
29. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in
jars?
31. Is a metaphor like a simile?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
34. How is it possible to have a civil war?
35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
42. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
44. How can there be self-help "groups"?
47. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you
have tried some of the others?
46. How do you throw away a garbage can?
47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would
just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we
know?
51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his
underpants on the outside of his trousers?
52. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what
happens when you turn on the headlights?
53. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
54. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
55. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then
put money into telescopes so they can see things on the
ground close-up?
57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that
killing people is wrong?
58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but
he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
61. How do you remove a club soda stain?
62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
64. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
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| Posted by JenReo on 14-Aug-2005 | Snake BiteTwo cowboys are riding into town when they decide they need to take a pee.
While they are peeing a rattlesnake springs up and bites one of them on
their penis. The other cowboy quickly draws his gun and kills the snake.
He then looks at his friend laying on the ground in pain and says, "Don't
move, I'll ride into town and ask the doctor what we should do."
He rides off into town, finds the doctor and tells him what happened. The
doctor tells him the only way to save the man is to make a cut where the
snake bit him and suck out the poisin. The cowboy rides back. His friend
asks, "What did the doctor said?" He replied, "The doctor said that you
are going to die."
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| Posted by caramelove on 14-Aug-2005 | The cat, the fly, and the fishOne day there was a cat wtaching the fish watching a fly above
the water and the fish was thinking if that fly drops 6 inches I
can jump up and eat it. The cat was thinkng if the fly drops 6
inches and the fish jumps up to get it I can catch the fish and
eat it. Well, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish jumped, the cat
missed the fish and fell in the pond.
The moral of the story is that when the fly drops 6 inches the
pussy gets wet.
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| Posted by Shannon Swiney on 14-Aug-2005 | Life Reflections by George Carlin1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
them.
11. One out of every three Canadians is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they
are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my
wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the
wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore
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