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| Posted by bar jokes on 14-Aug-2005 | Three TurtlesThree turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic.
So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and
sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away,
so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped. Joe takes the
stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and
says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Steve says. "I thought you
packed it." Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. "Poncho, do
you have the bottle opener?"
Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten
miles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but
Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by
the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince
Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that
they won't touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty
days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled,
but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no
Poncho, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts
getting restless."I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia
in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised." Five more days pass. Joe
realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King
down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid ,get a
sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that
instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, "Just for
that, I'm not going."
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| Posted by Jay k. Maroony on 14-Aug-2005 | Helpful Tips To Make Life SimplerOld telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose
12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The
red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting
polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your
head repeatedly on the wall.
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| Posted by Kevin K. Lownds on 14-Aug-2005 | Useless But Interesting Facts* The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.
* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under
a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke
all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over
by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.
* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still
had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and
whites.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
category.
* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City,
after the Catholic Church.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's
Flight Simulator.
* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a
gallon to clean the pot.
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years of age.
* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
Colorado.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar.
* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won
a Superbowl
* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but
only 6 people were injured
* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in
the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is
not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the
Major League All-Star Game.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
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| Posted by Happy Hippy Hamster on 14-Aug-2005 | Easiest Quiz EverThe WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What colour is the purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
ANSWERS.......
1. 116 years from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. Catgut comes from sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. A camel's hair brush is made from squirrel fur.
6. Comes from the latin phrase, Insularia Canaria--Island of Dogs
7. Albert--Took throne in 1936. Respected the wish of Queen Victoria that
no future king be called Albert.
8. A definite crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. 30 years of course. From 1618-1648.
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| Posted by *PoOpHeAd* on 14-Aug-2005 | Cock SuckersA large, menacing construction worker walks into a bar. He orders a beer,
chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are
cock suckers!" A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone
got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side
of the bar are mother fuckers!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks
around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards
the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says,
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Um, no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
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| Posted by Butters on 14-Aug-2005 | Wanna be a builderDid you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.
He was bugging his mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go
across the street and watch the builders work? Maybe you'll
learn something."
Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home, his mother
asked him what he learned.
Jimmy replied, "Well first you put the God damn door up. Then
the son-of-a-bitch doesn't fit, now you have to take the cock
sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each
side and put the mother fucker back up."
Jimmy's mother said, "You wait till your dad gets home!"
When Jimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he
learned across the street. Jimmy told him the whole story.
Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get a switch!"
Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the electrician's job!"
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