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| Posted by Nuttygryl on 09-Aug-2005 | Ticket please!What did the stewardess say to the flasher?
I asked you for your ticket, not your stub.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Choclette Sauce on 09-Aug-2005 | Bus stopIn a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Brad Smoley on 09-Aug-2005 | Aerial photosA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire.
He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.
Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
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| Posted by nikki engelmann on 09-Aug-2005 | Limo serviceThe limousine was taking a beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure."
He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He said, "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Thomas H. Mitchell on 09-Aug-2005 | Rectum StretcherPulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.
Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."
"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.
"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"
"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.
Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
"A what?" asked the collector.
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.
"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.
"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.
"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.
Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"
"How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."
"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"
Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Hope moynahan on 09-Aug-2005 | On timeA woman bought two airplane tickets on Southwestern airline, one for her and one for her six-year-old son. This was his very first plane trip.
They were flying along when the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mommy, if big elephants have little elephants, and big dogs have little dogs, do big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Not wanting to get into the subject of sex with her son, the woman was at a loss as to what to tell him. So, she simply instructed him to ask one of the stewardesses.
A little later, the boy grabbed hold of a stewardess who was passing by his seat. "Miss," he said, "If big elephants have little elephants, and big dogs have little dogs, do big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Looking suspiciously at the child's mother, the stewardess said, "I bet she told you to ask me that, didn't she?"
"Yes," the little boy replied. "But do they?"
After giving the question a little thought, the stewardess responded, "No, honey, the big airplanes at Southwestern do not have little airplanes, because we always pull out on time."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
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