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| Posted by Pat Kingsley on 14-Aug-2005 | Tickles for Your Funny Bone1. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 chilldren
are enough.
2. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.
3. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
4. I am a nobody,nobody is perfect,therefore I am perfect!
5. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
6. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put up a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
7. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come we see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?
8. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50
for Miss America?
9. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes,
and lottery tickets are alwyas complaining about being broke and
not feeling well?
10. On my first day of school my parents dropped my off at the
wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
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| Posted by Chris Rinchik on 14-Aug-2005 | 15 Ways to Be Annoying1. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it
will take until your free refills cost money.
2. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and
tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4. When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't
let him in! He's the killer!"
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson
how often you should walk it.
6. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it
this time."
7. Beep when a large person backs up.
8. Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about
the "little men."
9. Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
10. Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11. Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full,
then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19
seconds.
12. When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw
desperately at the roof of the car.
13. Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room
because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14. While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash
noises.
15. Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove
your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
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| Posted by Dennis L. Spencer on 14-Aug-2005 | Your Daily Moment of Zen1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just
leave me the heck alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.
5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems wierd the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a
raindance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one
works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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| Posted by Maggie McAdams on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't
listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage
cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
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| Posted by bar jokes on 14-Aug-2005 | Three TurtlesThree turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic.
So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and
sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away,
so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped. Joe takes the
stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and
says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Steve says. "I thought you
packed it." Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. "Poncho, do
you have the bottle opener?"
Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten
miles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but
Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by
the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince
Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that
they won't touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty
days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled,
but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no
Poncho, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts
getting restless."I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia
in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised." Five more days pass. Joe
realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King
down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid ,get a
sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that
instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, "Just for
that, I'm not going."
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| Posted by Jay k. Maroony on 14-Aug-2005 | Helpful Tips To Make Life SimplerOld telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose
12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The
red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting
polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your
head repeatedly on the wall.
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