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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Tidey Bowel Man


Posted by Paul Kloc on 14-Aug-2005

Tidey Bowel Man

If you launch your ship in a toilet, you're gonna get crapped on.
--The tidey bowel man, 1973.

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Tombstones


Posted by vicky on 14-Aug-2005

Tombstones

1. This is all over my head. ~Robert Benchly

2. Involved in a plot. ~Dorothy Parker

3. Here lies Walter Winchel in the dirt he loved so well.
~Walter Winchel

4. This one's on me! ~Milton Berle

5. I had a hunch something like this would happen. ~Fontain Fox

6. On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. ~W. C. Feilds

7. Well, I've played everything but a harp. ~Lionel Barrymore

8. This is too deep for me. ~Don Herold

9. Here's something I want to get off my chest! ~William Haines

10. Dentist's epitaph in a Connecticut cemetery:
"When on this tomb you gaze with gravity,
Cheer up! I'm filling my last cavity."

11. Epitaph on the grave of a hypochondriac: "I told you I was
sick!"

EPITAPHS IN OLD CHURCHYARDS: from the collection of Carl S. Cancy

12. Sacred to the Memory of Jared Bates
Who died August the 6th, 1800.
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street,
Has every qualification for a good wife,
And yearns to be comforted.

13. In Memory of Mr.Peter Daniels
Born August 7, 1688. Died May 20, 1746.
Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.

14. "School is out and the teacher has gone home."

15. "He was a simple man who died of complications."

16. "Here lies Jonny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising."

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Marriage


Posted by Brock on 14-Aug-2005

Marriage

Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner


   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Wit and Wisdom Of Homer Sipmson


Posted by Alli M. Kranz on 14-Aug-2005

Wit and Wisdom Of Homer Sipmson

These are some of Homer Simpson's quote from Season 1 & 2

Season 1

It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the
light bulb.
Unlike most of you, I am not a but.
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of
a bottle. They're on TV!
As far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't
like it.
I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what
about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke
cigars?
I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store could I?

Season 2

It's a fixer-upper. What's the problem? We get a bunch of priests in
here...
Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the
right-no the duty-to make a complete ass of myself.
Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?
You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week. I told you. My
baby beat me up. Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
And anyone can be tooted?
English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
A hundred bucks! For a comic book? Who drew it, Micha-malangelo?


   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Quotes from Mark Twain


Posted by Glenn Flanagan on 14-Aug-2005

Quotes from Mark Twain

"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy, foreigners always spell
better than they pronounce."

"CLASSIC, a book which people praise and do not read."

"In Boston they ask, 'How much does he know?' In New York, 'How much is he
worth?' In Philadelphia, 'Who were his parents?'"

"Put all your eggs in the one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET"

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Seashells


Posted by Ha N. Vu on 14-Aug-2005

Seashells

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : The Best Things Ever Said II


Posted by Bitch 90210 on 14-Aug-2005

The Best Things Ever Said II

~ Man: An animal [whose]...chief occupation is extermination of other
animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such
insistent rapidityas to infest the whole inhabitable earth and Canada.

~ Woman: An animal...having a rudimentary susceptibility to
domestication... The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts
of prey... The woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.

~ Cabbage: A...vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

~ The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image
of fulfillment.

~ Boy meets girl: girl get's bot into pickle: boy gets pickle into girl.

~ Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change
color and fall from the trees.

~ I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.

~ I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're
upstairs in my socks.

~ The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his
client to plant vines.

~ Talk is cheap because supple exceeds demand.

~ Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : My Uncle


Posted by creamofsumdumguy on 14-Aug-2005

My Uncle

"Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'"

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Quotes from Bernard Shaw


Posted by Enobmort Edils on 14-Aug-2005

Quotes from Bernard Shaw

"One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't
and don't."

"If parents would only realize how they bore their children!"

"Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that
the woman is driving at one thing and you're driving at another."

"The golden rule is that there is no golden rule."

"We don't bother much about dress and manners in England, because as a
nation we don't dress well and we've no manners."

"The great advantage of a hotel is that it's a refuge from home life."

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Woman Catching a Fly Ball


Posted by Kaveh C. Mohebbi on 14-Aug-2005

Woman Catching a Fly Ball

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Wise Men


Posted by Emily Eddy on 14-Aug-2005

Wise Men

A wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn.
   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Folding Beds


Posted by Rob E. Daynes on 14-Aug-2005

Folding Beds

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Friends


Posted by Adam E. Hinkhouse on 14-Aug-2005

Friends

"True Friends know the song of your heart and sing it back when
you have forgotten it."
   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Power


Posted by Lisa R. Schwarz on 14-Aug-2005

Power

Not to the power that raises shanties, but to the power that lowers
panties!

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Replies...


Posted by Keith Mc Laughlin on 14-Aug-2005

Replies...

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there
the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing
him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you are
crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : When large numbers of men are unable to find...


Posted by katie e. eylar on 07-Aug-2005

When large numbers of men are unable to find...

When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results.

- Calvin Coolidge

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "... It's easy if you try."...


Posted by Fran Mcgrath on 07-Aug-2005

"... It's easy if you try."...

"... It's easy if you try."
- Lennon


"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
- Marx

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "Get your facts first, and then you can distort...


Posted by Akdadevil Bavarian Butchers on 07-Aug-2005

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort...

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
- Mark Twain

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Beer is good food....


Posted by Rik Jordan on 07-Aug-2005

Beer is good food....

Beer is good food.
- John Goodman

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : The problem with the world is that everyone...


Posted by Charlie Rich on 07-Aug-2005

The problem with the world is that everyone...

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted...


Posted by Beck on 07-Aug-2005

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted...

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
- Gloria Steinem

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "Help me, Rhonda"...


Posted by Brian M. Lowsley on 07-Aug-2005

"Help me, Rhonda"...

"Help me, Rhonda"

- Dennis Wilson's Last Words

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : I know the day it happens. On August 29,...


Posted by Bunny Babe on 07-Aug-2005

I know the day it happens. On August 29,...

I know the day it happens. On August 29, 1997 it's going to feel pretty f**king real to you too. Anybody not wearing two million sun block is going to have a real bad day. Get it?
- Sarah Conner (played by Linda Hamilton), in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, offers a cheery thought for the day.

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "I love the lines the men use to get us into...


Posted by Briman B. Briman on 07-Aug-2005

"I love the lines the men use to get us into...

"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?"
- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : Always pull up survey stakes....


Posted by JoJo C on 07-Aug-2005

Always pull up survey stakes....

Always pull up survey stakes.
- George Hayduke

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : I learned to put the [toilet] seat down......


Posted by pete imaman on 07-Aug-2005

I learned to put the [toilet] seat down......

I learned to put the [toilet] seat down... it makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive human being.
- Ralph Noble

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or...


Posted by Scavenger. on 07-Aug-2005

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or...

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : "Some people say that I must be a horrible...


Posted by Alexandra M. Phillips on 07-Aug-2005

"Some people say that I must be a horrible...

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."

- Steven King

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded...


Posted by Jack B. Quick on 07-Aug-2005

$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded...

$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000--by which time it will be worth nothing.

- Lazarus Long

   

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Funny Quotes:funny quotes | (263) : When you participate in sporting events, it's...


Posted by Ulax B. Cool on 07-Aug-2005

When you participate in sporting events, it's...

When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose ... it's how drunk you get
- Homer J. Simpson

   

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"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
| Occupational Descriptions
| Wise Men


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