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| Posted by Paul Kloc on 14-Aug-2005 | Tidey Bowel ManIf you launch your ship in a toilet, you're gonna get crapped on.
--The tidey bowel man, 1973.
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| Posted by vicky on 14-Aug-2005 | Tombstones1. This is all over my head. ~Robert Benchly
2. Involved in a plot. ~Dorothy Parker
3. Here lies Walter Winchel in the dirt he loved so well.
~Walter Winchel
4. This one's on me! ~Milton Berle
5. I had a hunch something like this would happen. ~Fontain Fox
6. On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. ~W. C. Feilds
7. Well, I've played everything but a harp. ~Lionel Barrymore
8. This is too deep for me. ~Don Herold
9. Here's something I want to get off my chest! ~William Haines
10. Dentist's epitaph in a Connecticut cemetery:
"When on this tomb you gaze with gravity,
Cheer up! I'm filling my last cavity."
11. Epitaph on the grave of a hypochondriac: "I told you I was
sick!"
EPITAPHS IN OLD CHURCHYARDS: from the collection of Carl S. Cancy
12. Sacred to the Memory of Jared Bates
Who died August the 6th, 1800.
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street,
Has every qualification for a good wife,
And yearns to be comforted.
13. In Memory of Mr.Peter Daniels
Born August 7, 1688. Died May 20, 1746.
Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.
14. "School is out and the teacher has gone home."
15. "He was a simple man who died of complications."
16. "Here lies Jonny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising."
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| Posted by Brock on 14-Aug-2005 | MarriageMen with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner
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| Posted by Alli M. Kranz on 14-Aug-2005 | Wit and Wisdom Of Homer SipmsonThese are some of Homer Simpson's quote from Season 1 & 2
Season 1
It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the
light bulb.
Unlike most of you, I am not a but.
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of
a bottle. They're on TV!
As far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't
like it.
I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what
about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke
cigars?
I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store could I?
Season 2
It's a fixer-upper. What's the problem? We get a bunch of priests in
here...
Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the
right-no the duty-to make a complete ass of myself.
Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?
You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week. I told you. My
baby beat me up. Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
And anyone can be tooted?
English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
A hundred bucks! For a comic book? Who drew it, Micha-malangelo?
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| Posted by Glenn Flanagan on 14-Aug-2005 | Quotes from Mark Twain"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy, foreigners always spell
better than they pronounce."
"CLASSIC, a book which people praise and do not read."
"In Boston they ask, 'How much does he know?' In New York, 'How much is he
worth?' In Philadelphia, 'Who were his parents?'"
"Put all your eggs in the one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET"
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| Posted by Ha N. Vu on 14-Aug-2005 | SeashellsI have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
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| Posted by Bitch 90210 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Best Things Ever Said II~ Man: An animal [whose]...chief occupation is extermination of other
animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such
insistent rapidityas to infest the whole inhabitable earth and Canada.
~ Woman: An animal...having a rudimentary susceptibility to
domestication... The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts
of prey... The woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.
~ Cabbage: A...vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
~ The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image
of fulfillment.
~ Boy meets girl: girl get's bot into pickle: boy gets pickle into girl.
~ Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change
color and fall from the trees.
~ I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.
~ I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're
upstairs in my socks.
~ The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his
client to plant vines.
~ Talk is cheap because supple exceeds demand.
~ Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
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| Posted by creamofsumdumguy on 14-Aug-2005 | My Uncle"Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'"
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| Posted by Enobmort Edils on 14-Aug-2005 | Quotes from Bernard Shaw"One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't
and don't."
"If parents would only realize how they bore their children!"
"Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that
the woman is driving at one thing and you're driving at another."
"The golden rule is that there is no golden rule."
"We don't bother much about dress and manners in England, because as a
nation we don't dress well and we've no manners."
"The great advantage of a hotel is that it's a refuge from home life."
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| Posted by Kaveh C. Mohebbi on 14-Aug-2005 | Woman Catching a Fly BallIf a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry
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| Posted by Emily Eddy on 14-Aug-2005 | Wise MenA wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn.
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| Posted by Rob E. Daynes on 14-Aug-2005 | Folding BedsI broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
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| Posted by Adam E. Hinkhouse on 14-Aug-2005 | Friends"True Friends know the song of your heart and sing it back when
you have forgotten it."
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| Posted by Lisa R. Schwarz on 14-Aug-2005 | PowerNot to the power that raises shanties, but to the power that lowers
panties!
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| Posted by Keith Mc Laughlin on 14-Aug-2005 | Replies...I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there
the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing
him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you are
crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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| Posted by Fran Mcgrath on 07-Aug-2005 | "... It's easy if you try."..."... It's easy if you try."
- Lennon
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
- Marx
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| Posted by Akdadevil Bavarian Butchers on 07-Aug-2005 | "Get your facts first,
and then you can distort..."Get your facts first,
and then you can distort them as much as you please."
- Mark Twain
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| Posted by Rik Jordan on 07-Aug-2005 | Beer is good food....Beer is good food.
- John Goodman
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| Posted by Charlie Rich on 07-Aug-2005 | The problem with the world is that everyone...The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart
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| Posted by Beck on 07-Aug-2005 | "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted..."Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
- Gloria Steinem
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| Posted by Bunny Babe on 07-Aug-2005 | I know the day it happens. On August 29,...I know the day it happens. On August 29, 1997 it's going to
feel pretty f**king real to you too. Anybody not wearing two
million sun block is going to have a real bad day. Get it?
- Sarah Conner (played by Linda Hamilton), in Terminator 2: Judgement
Day, offers a cheery thought for the day.
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| Posted by Briman B. Briman on 07-Aug-2005 | "I love the lines the men use to get us into..."I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put
it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?"
- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
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| Posted by JoJo C on 07-Aug-2005 | Always pull up survey stakes....Always pull up survey stakes.
- George Hayduke
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| Posted by pete imaman on 07-Aug-2005 | I learned to put the [toilet] seat down......I learned to put the [toilet] seat down...
it makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive human being.
- Ralph Noble
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| Posted by Scavenger. on 07-Aug-2005 | "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or..."What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line
"a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
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| Posted by Ulax B. Cool on 07-Aug-2005 | When you participate in sporting events, it's...When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose
... it's how drunk you get
- Homer J. Simpson
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