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| Posted by Charlie Morris on 09-Aug-2005 | Time To Go HomeA businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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| Posted by Captain C on 09-Aug-2005 | Four Finger GripJoe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."
Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them."
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| Posted by Arjun Landes on 09-Aug-2005 | Selling the WifeA drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"
"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
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| Posted by daring-dipshit on 09-Aug-2005 | Speech ImpedimentTwo life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?"
inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"
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| Posted by Nexus on 09-Aug-2005 | DUILate one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
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| Posted by Cynthia G. Simpson on 09-Aug-2005 | Need OlivesMcQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.
"What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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