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| Posted by Father Ted on 10-Aug-2005 | TIPS FOR SURVIVING COLLEGE* Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
* Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.
* Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until
someone loses their 'nads.
* Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
* Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home
pharmaceuticals" business.
* If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
* Boring lecture? Start a wave!
* College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle
dinner.
* "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
* Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
* Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior
essay.
* Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
* Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing
Biology."
* In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.
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| Posted by anna hindu on 10-Aug-2005 | Crush, Lust, or LoveQ: Whats the difference between a crush, lust, and love?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling!
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| Posted by Ryan C. on 11-Aug-2005 | More fascinating test resultsThese are from my temp job as a reader for the Psychological Corporation (a division of Harcourt-Brace. Yes, the textbook people). At the Scoring Center we graded standardized tests. I got off okay, though, I could have been one of the people running the Scan-Tron portions through the machines for eight hours a day. Instead, I graded essays. I worked on two projects: the Oklahoma sixth-grade test and the L.A. high school test. To keep our sanity, we posted some of the more creative statements on the bulletin board at the front of the room. So you can rest assured that these *are* true, and haven't been running around the Net (except when I posted them to alt.grad.skool.sux last year) and gaining fake examples.
These two examples are from the Oklahoma test. Students were told to write an essay taking a stand on whether or not you should be able to wear headphones while riding a bicycle. They were mostly really boring, and occasionally inexplicable (none of us could ever figure out what an "obtuse pothole" was), but here's three ... different ... ones:
If you wear portable radios with earphones, you could be in the way of a major emergency trying to take place.
The car honked, he didn't hear and was ran over. His name was Jason and I did not like him anyway. So I think that people should be able to listen to radios on their bikes.
I also feel a sense of comfort and ease when I am associating with complete musical sounds that are objective upon my contrast and knowledge.
**Now for the L.A. ones. Keep in mind as you read that these are high school students. They were given a list of jobs available in a mall and told to write a job application essay describing their qualifications. You can figure most of the jobs out from context; when it's not clear I added it in brackets. [salesperson at clothing, music or pet stores, food service cook or cashier, security guard, gardener, childcare service] Actually, a lot of them were heartrending, because this was only a few months after the L.A. riots, and a number of kids told about losing their jobs because their workplaces had been burned down. Original spelling and grammar has been preserved, and sometimes I couldn't refrain from editorial comment [in brackets].
I am the star basketball.
I have had a lot of experience with gardening. When I was in kindergarten I had the only bean that sprouted. [Better than mine!]
My name is Charles Xavier.
My past experiences include a part-time job as a lawnmower for half a year.
When it comes dwon to education Im a geniuos...
I am Albert Einstein's illegitimate son...I've also built an atomic bomb in my room.
I am the three oldest of six children.
I can cook good and respect costumers as well. [Good thing to do in L.A....]
I had 2 very good childhood.
My credit is as clear as a young child. [And mine is a clear as an old man...]
I'm...intneding to graduate as a valivictorian.
My grades are superior with a 5.2 average.
My background is personal because I dont like tell people my business.
Trust me. I'm a really nice person.
I can sell dirt to a streetperson.
I can cook real food. Not like tacos and burgers.
I graduated school with a. I.Q.
My goal as an adult is to be a European fashion designer. [As opposed to am *American* fashion designer?]
Animals are my favorite living things next to humans.
Alot of people tell me that I can sell the Brooklen Bridge back to Brooklen.
I used to do that but I got fired because the store broke.
I'm the present of the class.
I would take good care of the cash register and this store if I am haired.
I am a member of "Save the Extinct Animals."
I've washed many animals.
I would be glad if you would hire me for this job. You would regret it.
I have good educational background. My parents went to school.
I worked in a flower shop as a flower's assistant.
I enjoy the smell of food.
I used to teach english in Highschool.
I would like to work with a cashier because Ive experienced many machines like cashiers at my school.
In my spare time I dance with Janet Jackson dancers.
They are sometimes wild, but I could clam them down.
I love any kind of fiction or faction.
Im applying for this type of job [security guard] because I feel Im a very large person.
Im very interesting in that job. [I don't doubt it]
Im 7 years old and Im in eleven grades.
I can hold my breath for 4 minutes [applying for gardener's assistant.]
I have work in a pet stop before.
I heve experience as a cash register.
The reason I am fit for this job is because I have a vulgar display of power.
I will keep the mall safe from unwarted hoodlums.
I think it would be harder for a teenager to sell a teenager something than for a teenager to sell another teenager something.
I will threat the customers in a good manner.
I work at a college where I teach children behavioral problems.
I pick been a fast food cook because I wanted to serve the people food like cakes, meat, bears, soda, fruits...
[security guard] I'm big and mean. I'm not talking large and pissed off, I'm talking tremendous and terrible. The main reason for this is that I don't like people very much and wnat them dead whenever possible. In most fields this would be a turn off but in this field I hope it isn't. [A man after my own heart!]
Im very good in math and I already know how to use a cashier.
I have studied up on the nuances of strange and rare animals, such as the outer Mongolian puffwart and the rare and beautiful pygmy wart hog.
My education label is high and I have too much experience in cooker.
I beleive to unit all of requered for you job.
...and I am a stunedt in all my classes.
I know this job is very hard for non-experimented people.
...I have a lot of experience using a cashier faster and correctly with no mistakes at all.
My father was a zoologist and my mother was an ignoramus.
I learned many skills like computer bricklayer.
My reason for being unemployed was due to my migration to a new home.
I feel that I have had great experiments with animals.
I performed karate on the intruders.
I worked as an ass. to a vet.
I myself have read books.
I read over0 books in my past life that number will increase once I start finishing other of my books.
[security guard] I'm a Black Belt in Karate. I have a Masters degree and a PhD in Philosophy, to outsmart the bad guy and make them understand reality.
My innocence makes me likeable while my charisma keeps me strong.
I like the way organization works.
I have no criminal record at this time.
I liked to feed my animal and be lovely with them.
My personal quality is grammer.
...and if you don't give me this job I will hunt you down and I will bug you and be a pest until you give me a job.
I have a PhD in fast food cooking. I am a highschool graduate and a former employee at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
Guys at school wil beat me up if I don't get the money in a month. Please, I need the job so badly.
I've had certain experiences with my aunt's lingerie shop and my uncle's statue shop. [This is my favorite. The mind boggles...]
I would also like to meet nica and Pretty women, but do assure you that they will not enterfere with my work.
[If I get this job] I will make it wroth your wall.
I got a B+ in math! It would have been an A if I turned in my agendas.
I myself was once a child.
I now how to spell.
I have work in this occupation before and have mostly good experiences. Except the time I sat on a rat. Se I am truthful.
I am a direct descendant of Elliot Ness.
I am frequently punctual.
I have only one arm so people will feel sorry for me and buy anything I ask them to.
There I took vegetarian classes.
You can get alone with me easy.
I was raised by wolves in the San Joaquin Valley.
...animal viabior...
...earthquack...
I also think my past personalities would work at this job.
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| Posted by Jeff R. Snow on 11-Aug-2005 | This'll Keep you occupiedThis is a real joke
(It's in Morse code)
- .... . ..-. .. --. .-.. . .- ..-. .- --. ..- -.-- --. --- . ... - --- .- -.-. --- ... - ..- -- . ... .... --- .--. .- -. -.. ... .- -.-- ... .----. .. .----. -- --. --- .. -. --. - --- .- -.-. --- ... - ..- -- . .--. .- .-. - -.-- .- ... .- -.. .- -- .- -. -.. .. -. . . -.. .- ..-. .. --. .-.. . .- ..-. .-.-.- .----. - .... . --. .. .-. .-.. -... .-. .. -. --. ... --- ..- - .- ..-. .. --. .-.. . .- ..-. .-.-.- .... . ... .- -.-- ... --..-- .----. -. --- - -... .. --. . -. --- ..- --. .... .-.-.- .----. ... .... . -... .-. .. -. --. ... --- ..- - .- -... .. --. --. . .-. --- -. . .-.-.- .... . ... .- -.-- ... --..-- .----. ... - .. .-.. .-.. -. --- - -... .. --. . -. --- ..- --. .... .-.-.- .----. ... .... . -... .-. .. -. --. ... --- ..- - .- .... ..- --. . ..-. .. --. .-.. . .- ..-. .-.-.- .... . ... .- -.-- ... --..-- .----. ... - .. .-.. .-.. -. --- - -... .. --. . -. --- ..- --. .... .-.-.- .----. ... .... . ... .- -.-- ... --..-- .----. .-.. .. ... - . -. --..-- .- -.-. . --..-- .-- .... -.-- -.. --- -. .----. - -.-- --- ..- .--- ..- ... - - .... .-. --- .-- .. - --- ...- . .-. -.-- --- ..- .-. ... .... --- ..- .-.. -.. . .-. .- -. -.. --. --- .- ... .- --. .- ... --- .-.. .. -. . .--. ..- -- .--. ..--.. .----.
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| Posted by Andrew Strain on 12-Aug-2005 | 15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...
Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
Toe tag paper cuts.
The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"
and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...
Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
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| Posted by Ali Walker on 12-Aug-2005 | The workers prayer!For those of you who may need it...A Prayer for the Stressed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember ...
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!
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