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| Posted by David McMorris on 14-Aug-2005 | To the top!A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. The
pheasant sighed, "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree over there, but I just haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed
with nutrients." replied the bull. The pheasant pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree! And the very next day, after
eating some more, he reached the second branch! And so on. And
finally, after just a few days, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Where upon, he was spotted by a farmer who
dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the
pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there
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| Posted by Mike G. Strusz on 14-Aug-2005 | Life or Death?One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and
got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning
to starve. He spotted a Bald Eagle who had just caught a fish
and chased it, hoping to get it to drop the fish so he could eat
it. Then he saw the bird land on a tree stump not far from him,
so he picked up a stone to toss at it--hoping the bird would be
frightened and fly away WITHOUT the fish. But, weak as he was,
his aim was off and he hit the poor bird square on the head and
killed it! "Well," he thought to himself, "no sense letting it
go to waste, if I leave it here it will just rot, and it could
save my life if I eat it." So, he built himself a little
fire--using a couple of stones--and cooked the eagle to eat.
While it was cooking a ranger stumbled upon the man, and when he
saw what he was up to, he immediately arrested him--because as
you know, that is quite illegal! The man told the ranger what
had happened, and asked for a trial so he could explain the
situation to a judge.
So, the day of his trial he told the judge, "Please Your Honor,
it was a life or death situation! I was lost and starving, and I
didn't mean to harm the bird--I only wanted the fish! And when I
accidentally killed it, well, I felt terrible but couldn't see
any reason to let it go to waste!"
The judge listened to the man's story and deemed him, "Not
guilty, on the grounds of extenuating circumstances."
The man was very grateful, and thanked the judge for his
fairness. Then, the judge leaned over and quietly asked the man,
"Just between you and me, what DOES a Bald Eagle taste like
anyway??"
The man comtemplated this for a moment and then spoke, "Well,
it's kind of hard to explain... but, I would say somewhere
between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
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| Posted by greenmachine on 14-Aug-2005 | Never Went HuntingCity-boy Todd went to visit his friend Tom in the country. "You
look pale," Tom said. "You need some sun. Why don't you take my
rifle and my two Retrievers and go do some hunting?" Todd had
never hunted before, but decided to do as his friend suggested.
Fifteen minutes later, he was back. "That was fun!" Todd gushed.
"So why'd you come back?" Tom asked. "I need more dogs to hunt,"
Todd said.
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| Posted by Stalker on 14-Aug-2005 | The Dancing DuckA circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around
a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down
pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so
impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After
some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck
and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole
audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the
ducks' former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under
the pot?"
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| Posted by Elusive Honey on 14-Aug-2005 | Unruly ParrotOnce there was a man who had a parrot who said nothing but,
"Polly wanna cracker." The man got tired of hearing this from
his pet so one day he let his parrot go and told it to go learn
some new words and not to come back until he had.
So the parrot began his journey and the first place that he saw
was a mechanics body shop, so the parrot flew into the garage
and he heard the mechanic say, "Man, it is hot as hell in
here!!" So the parrot continued on his trip and kept repeating,
"Man it is hot as hell in here!!"
The next place the parrot flew by was a baseball stadium, and he
heard someone yell, "Let it fly!" So the parrot continued on his
journey saying, "let it fly, let it fly!"
The next day the parrot flew over a farm and he overheard a
farmer telling his workhand to look at that cow lying over in
the pasture. The farmer told his farmhand, "Go over there and
kick that ol' bitch and see if she is alive." So the parrot went
around saying that as well.
On the way back to his home the parrot stopped by a church to
see what was going on. Once he entered the church, the parrot
loudly said, "Man, it is hot as hell in here." The preacher
immediatly stopped preaching, turned around and said, "You hush
your mouth or I will throw the good book at you." So the parrot
proudly reiterated, "Let it fly, let it fly." About that time,
the big fat lady that was playing the piano fainted and hit the
floor very hard. "Go over there and kick that ol' bitch and see
if she is alive." shouted the parrot.
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| Posted by Laxori Shiin on 14-Aug-2005 | Wish I could do thatTwo guys are walking along when they come upon a dog that is sitting and
licking his balls. The first guy says, "Boy I wish I could do that!" The
second guy replies, "Go and pet him, maybe he will let you!"
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