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():little johnny (1883): Toddler Property Laws


Posted by stratpunk157 on 14-Aug-2005

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it it's near me, it's mine.
10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.
   

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():little johnny (1883): Construction Yard


Posted by nichole,alisha eason on 14-Aug-2005

Construction Yard

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took a interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and Lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless c*cksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the f#cking wood", replied the little girl.
   

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():little johnny (1883): Feeding Lily


Posted by look out! on 14-Aug-2005

Feeding Lily

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice.

Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh..what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
   

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():little johnny (1883): Did You Have an Accident?


Posted by leilah on 14-Aug-2005

Did You Have an Accident?

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when you start getting frustrated.

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at taco bell for a quick lunch in between errands, it was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny so of course I checked my seven month old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said no. I kept thinking, oh Lord that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me.

Then I said, Matt are you sure you did not have an accident? I just knew that he must have had an accident, cause the smell was getting worse. SOOO, I asked one more time MATT DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?

This time with a little smirk on his face he jumped up and yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, SEE MOM IT'S JUST GAS!!!!

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified, but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.
   

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():little johnny (1883): We Don't Say Damn


Posted by Michael S. Harrington on 14-Aug-2005
We Don't Say Damn
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. After a little while, a student, by the name of Little Johnny, was having some difficulty with the work and was heard to exclaim loudly, "Damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

Johnny looked up at the teacher, his eyes got very big and wide and he said, "Not even when its all fucked up?!"
   

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():little johnny (1883): The Top 16 Children's Stories Written by Ruthless Killers


Posted by Marc A. Brekke on 14-Aug-2005
The Top 16 Children's Stories Written by Ruthless Killers
16> The Cat in the Hat Gets Whacked

15> The Neverending Gory

14> Horton Hears a Who Beg for Its Worthless Life

13> The Slaughterhouse at Pooh Corner

12> Harry Potter and the Suspicious Mounds of Dirt

11> Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea in a Concrete Vest

10> Say "Goodnight," Moon

9> Curious George and the Body in the Spare Freezer

8> The Punk in the Trunk

7> The Little Chainsaw That Could

6> Peter Pain

5> Jeffrey Dahmer and the Order of the Phoemur (Lightly Braised with Caramelized Onions and Sprigs of Mint and Parsley)

4> Chop Up Pop

3> It's a Skull Saw, Charlie Brown!

2> Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Stop Twitching?

1> Heather Has Two Machetes



[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

   

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