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| Posted by vicky on 14-Aug-2005 | Tombstones1. This is all over my head. ~Robert Benchly
2. Involved in a plot. ~Dorothy Parker
3. Here lies Walter Winchel in the dirt he loved so well.
~Walter Winchel
4. This one's on me! ~Milton Berle
5. I had a hunch something like this would happen. ~Fontain Fox
6. On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. ~W. C. Feilds
7. Well, I've played everything but a harp. ~Lionel Barrymore
8. This is too deep for me. ~Don Herold
9. Here's something I want to get off my chest! ~William Haines
10. Dentist's epitaph in a Connecticut cemetery:
"When on this tomb you gaze with gravity,
Cheer up! I'm filling my last cavity."
11. Epitaph on the grave of a hypochondriac: "I told you I was
sick!"
EPITAPHS IN OLD CHURCHYARDS: from the collection of Carl S. Cancy
12. Sacred to the Memory of Jared Bates
Who died August the 6th, 1800.
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street,
Has every qualification for a good wife,
And yearns to be comforted.
13. In Memory of Mr.Peter Daniels
Born August 7, 1688. Died May 20, 1746.
Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.
14. "School is out and the teacher has gone home."
15. "He was a simple man who died of complications."
16. "Here lies Jonny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising."
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| Posted by Brock on 14-Aug-2005 | MarriageMen with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner
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| Posted by Funny Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | Variety of QuotesThe hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the
brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other
functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York
Times, 1960
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench
to pound in the correct screw.
It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls
out.
Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the
leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.
I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts!
Courteous Postal Workers:
A. Always have stamps on hand.
B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers.
C. Save the last bullet for themselves.
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and
try again.
I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your
triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion
Chinese couldn't care less.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to
learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for
their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, Last
Chance to See
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an
atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is
it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in
whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese proverb
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases
of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed
interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning
of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They
replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground
of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to
grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Smith: Yes, thirteen.
G: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
G: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a
while.
-- Groucho Marx, on You Bet Your Life
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die:
Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both
purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some
piano wire around Rush's neck...
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| Posted by Zohaib Fazal on 14-Aug-2005 | Adages* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is
delirious.
* A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he has just cleaned the whole house.
* If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.
* A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
* Help keep the kitchen clean.... Eat out.
* Housework done properly can kill you.
* Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone
on to lead normal lives.
* My next house will have no kitchen ..... just vending machines.
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| Posted by GostaJill on 14-Aug-2005 | Kids truths :)~ ~ Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your
hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts, no matter
how cute the underwear is.
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| Posted by Garbett on 14-Aug-2005 | Great Thinkers of Our Time?Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other
similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
--Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings?
The killers are to blame."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues
behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
--General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the
United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is
a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
right out from under your feet."
--Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
(6/16/98) And just the other day, our boy Dan Quayle was quoted as saying
that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would
beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running
again...
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