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():holiday jokes (333): Top 10 Halloween Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't |
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| Posted by Dick Day on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Halloween Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I) |
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| Posted by Sam ze Chef on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I)[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
15> Use as a marital aid nullifies warranty.
14> Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
13> Uranium-236 not included.
12> As with real appliances, this thing *will* burn your careless ass.
11> Some dismemberment may occur.
10> Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
9> Harmful if swallowed with massive quantities of vodka.
8> No disrespect intended.
7> Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
6> Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
5> NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
4> Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
3> Manufacturer not responsible for accidents involving EZ-Bake Oven and Suicide-Watch Barbie.
2> Caution: "Mack Daddy Ken" is anatomically exaggerated and may excite or frighten little girls and create self esteem problems in little boys.
1> Do not place Captain Viagra within 5"-7" of an open flame.
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| Posted by brittany l. fint on 14-Aug-2005 | Walkin' in a Doggie WonderlandDog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's Mine-mine--mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."
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| Posted by Joe Mom on 13-Aug-2005 | Five least popular holiday gifts1)I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, The Board Game
2)Jimmy Dean's Pork Log O' Fun
3)The Chia Coat
4)"Miracle Grow, Your Lawn and You" a 14 hour video perspective
5)Pepper Spray Flavored Silly String
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| Posted by Jen Z on 13-Aug-2005 | Bah Humbug ChristmasT'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
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| Posted by Chula1010 on 13-Aug-2005 | Barbie is PissedDear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly -- Barbie
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