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| Posted by Tahys on 11-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Halloween Things10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
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| Posted by todd pernerowski on 11-Aug-2005 | The Week After Christmas'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
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| Posted by p.l. on 11-Aug-2005 | Sherlock Holmes andSherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
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| Posted by KaBoOm on 11-Aug-2005 | Roles in the Christmas PlayTwo daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
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| Posted by Sexy Chicana on 11-Aug-2005 | Ken's Letter to SantaDear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatmen; the bitch has EVERYTHING! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations- we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from Hell will result in action taken by myself and others.
PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe; he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.
Sincerely, Ken
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| Posted by gf000 on 11-Aug-2005 | How to CookStep 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
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