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():top list jokes (540): Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart |
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| Posted by Mike A. Rotch on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Signs Your Radio "Psychiatrist" has Posed Nude |
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| Posted by Brenda R. Dople on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs Your Radio "Psychiatrist" has Posed Nude13. Her station's new slogan: "More Talk, Less Clothes!"
12. Her cure for people's fear of public speaking no longer requires any imagination.
11. Photo on her driver's license taken by Bob Guccione.
10. Pompous elitist attitude a direct result of the camera making her look 10 lbs. heavier.
9. Her standard on-air greeting: "This is Dr. Laura, and I'm naked."
8. Now rails on the importance of keeping all nine commandments.
7. "Hello, this is Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I am my children's hypocritical, adulterous, boney-assed mom."
6. Her nickname in the studio? "Dr. Bareassinger."
5. That twirling tassel she uses for hypnosis.
4. She ends your session with, "You know, Hef has a couch just like this."
3. Insists on being called "Dr. November 1978"
2. Keeps asking, "Does this notepad make my ass look big?"
1. Screams "How 'bout them Yankees?!" every time a caller mentions nude photos.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():top list jokes (540): McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac |
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| Posted by Julia A. Lundberg on 14-Aug-2005 | McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big MacIn case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger last month. Here's David Letterman's explanations.
The TopTen List: "McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac" as presented 8/22/97 broadcast of the 'Late Show with David Letterman':
10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan"
9. Condom, condiment-- what's the damn difference?
8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"
7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal"
4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway
3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
2. Drive-thru speaker is broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device"
1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful!
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():top list jokes (540): The 25 Top Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk |
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| Posted by Matt A. Fennell on 14-Aug-2005 | The 25 Top Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk25 When Picard marries a couple, he doesn't lose the groom in battle.
24 Picard can speak in more languages than Kirk has ever heard.
23 Kirk was the first captain to see a Romulan, but Picard went to Romulus & kicked their butts.
22 Kirk never met an alien (female) he didn't like. . .
21 Kirk bested an old, tired has-been called Apollo, while Picard has bested an omnipotent being several times.
20 Picard can be vulnerable with women.
19 Picard has better taste in recreation (who needs a local bar when you've got a holodeck).
18 Picard looks better as a detective than Kirk does as a gangster.
17 Picard got to crown the leader of the Klingon high council.
16 Picard saved the Federation from the space bugs.
15 Picard became a Borg.
14 Picard can quote Shakespeare & doesn't need spectacles to read it.
13 Picard can fence.
12 Picard makes a better Romulan than Kirk does.
11 Picard is a wine connaisseur.
10 Picard punches Ferengi as well as Kirk ever punched the wimpy Klingons of the first series.
9 Picard never let a bald midget in a dwarf ship with a scary dummy fake him out for an entire episode.
8 Picard didn't let some female with a loose screw take over his body & his ship while sticking him in her body.
7 Picard hasn't EVER had to spend an entire episode ridding his ship of furry hairballs which reproduce.
6 Picard doesn't lose as many red shirts.
5 Picard has killed Klingons in hand to hand combat on several different occasions.
4 Picard has broken the Prime Directive at least a dozen times.
3 Picard can swear in Klingon.
2 Kirk never climbed a turbo shaft with a foxy lady & got it on in the bowels of the ship.
1 Kirk never mind melded with a Vulcan to help the VULCAN with his self control.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader |
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| Posted by Warlock Z on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader14. Using the Force, young Darth could unhook a bra on the other side of the planet.
13. Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin teacher's house.
12. The power to cause volcanic pimple eruptions on the faces of his mortal enemies.
11. Could make Obi-Wan Kenobi pee his pants by sneaking in his room and putting his hand in warm water.
10. Ability to sweet-talk girls into "rubbing his helmet."
9. For a white kid, he did a pretty damn good James Earl Jones impression.
8. Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with "take no prisoners" attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent.
7. The old Jedi "your lunch money is mine" trick.
6. Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after only one bean burrito.
5. Won the high school talent show every year by making the vice principal writhe in pain.
4. Ability to activate "Trouser Saber" at will.
3. The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe that through the constant application of love and understanding *they* can change him.
2. "You don't need to see my I.D. You know I'm old enough to buy beer."
1. Pasty skin + jet-black wardrobe + intense aura of impending doom = Goth babe magnet!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday |
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| Posted by dan hoffman on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday14. Nobody knows, but they found her naked behind the sofa.
13. Had 40 donuts and make a quick trip to the bathroom.
12. For kicks, told an 11-year-old girl she looked "a little chunky."
11. Got "dollfaced."
10. Same as last year -- had another rib removed.
9. Got jiggy in the barracks with G.I. Joe.
8. Drowned her sorrows in a thimbleful of Barbie Dream Gin while listening to the deafening roar of her biological clock.
7. Dumped Ken. Flashed thong at Bill. Waited for million dollar book deal.
6. Weekly tanning session in an Easy Bake oven.
5. Same as every day -- curled up on a couch watching "The View" with General Foods Viennese coffee blend and Snackwells cookies.
4. Another night searching in vain for Ken's "accessory."
3. Had a big party and invited all her plastic friends -- just like the rest of us do.
2. Ransacked the house looking for that arm the dog chewed off.
1. Gave Ken a red marker and let him draw some nipples.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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