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():holiday jokes (333): TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T |
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():holiday jokes (333): Maxine's Top Ten New Years Resolutions... |
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| Posted by Liz M. Whitt on 09-Aug-2005 | Maxine's Top Ten New Years Resolutions...
Maxine's Top Ten New Years Resolutions
Skip exercise every day instead of just three times a week.
Call one of my relatives every day. Call one a doofus, call one a bonehead,
call one a jerkwood, call one a...
Go to the park more often to feed the pigeons...to the cat.
Stop eating so much high-fat fast food and eat more high-fat home cooking.
Expand my horizons with travel. In other words, use the upstairs bathroom
more.
Reread all my favorite novels. And this time read the whole book, not just
the steamy underlined parts.
Force myself to stop watching so much trashy TV. Rent trashy movies instead.
Teach Floyd a new trick, and remember to rotate which neighbors yard he does
it in.
Clean the house more often. Once a millennium just isn't enough.
And my Number One New Years Resolution:
Only moon people who absolutely, one hundred percent deserve it. So that's
still pretty much everybody.
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():holiday jokes (333): Top 10 Christmas Phrases That Sound Dirty |
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| Posted by Roy Covington III on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Christmas Phrases That Sound Dirty10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up your skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
And the No. 1 Christmas phrase that sounds dirty but isn't:
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
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| Posted by Sarah Magruder on 09-Aug-2005 | Season's Greetings...
Season's Greetings
Money's Short
Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking
Christmas Card
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse
mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass
when out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter
then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell
he filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer
he rose up the chimney
with a thuderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart
he swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted by Gene Geller on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas PartyHow To Tell If You're Throwing A Successful Christmas Party
- Festivity Level One -
Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping
their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand
around the piano singing carols.
- Festivity Level Two -
Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are
wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas
ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."
- Festivity Level Three -
Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around
the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction."
- Festivity Level Four -
Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around
the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.
Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want
your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success,
however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job
as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on
arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an
example of how to successfully handle this situation:
Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."
You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"
Police: "No, sir, not drugs."
You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"
Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."
You: "Oh that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs
here, heh heh."
[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]
You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"
Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent
complaints have come from Iowa."
[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars
out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into
the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out,
moaning.]
You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."
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