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():nerd jokes (650): Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you... |
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| Posted by barbara coleman on 07-Aug-2005 | Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you...Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon
Programmer
- "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
- "This machine is a piece of gagh! I need dual Pentium processors
if I am to do battle with this code!"
- "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in
the original Klingon."
- "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!"
- "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software
'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of
designers and quality assurance people in its wake."
- "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have
'arguments' - and they always win them."
- "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle
the weak."
- "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again."
- "A true Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
- "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my
family... Prepare to die!"
- "You question the worthiness of my code?
I should kill you where you stand!"
- "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
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5 people have rated this joke: |
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():nerd jokes (650): Bad Day at the Office (True Story) |
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| Posted by Andrew Bruno on 14-Aug-2005 | Bad Day at the Office (True Story)You thought you had a bad day at the office....
A true story...
A professional scuba diver's letter to his sister...
April, 1998
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love, Brian
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4 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Laurie Hiestand on 12-Aug-2005 | Siamese Twins in EnglandWhy did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive.
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():nerd jokes (650): Two engineering students were walking across... |
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():nerd jokes (650): The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making... |
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| Posted by Nickie M. Necsefr on 07-Aug-2005 | The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making...The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
11. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
10. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
9. "Feel the force!"
8. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."
7. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
6. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
5. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? Who's your Jedi Master?"
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| Posted by Shania on 13-Aug-2005 | Black peopleWhy dont Black people dream????
because the last one that did got shot
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