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():nerd jokes (650): Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician


Posted by Prix on 13-Aug-2005

Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician

13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.

12. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.

11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the Hell out of Grandma.

10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.

9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.

8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.

7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister

6. During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"

5. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."

4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.

3. Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.

2. Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."

1. Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit!!"


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Dinosaur Bones


Posted by Morgan L. Peters on 13-Aug-2005

Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Teach Thyself


Posted by Squirt on 13-Aug-2005

Teach Thyself

PrincessSuzy writes:

My school recently received an award for being an outstanding magnet school. The woman that presented the award said the following: "this is the best magnet school in the United States, maybe even the nation."


   

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():nerd jokes (650): In his own defence


Posted by lawyer jokes on 13-Aug-2005

In his own defence

After being sentenced to 32 years in jail for robbery, Alvin Washington of Clifton Heights, Pa., argued, successfully, that he should have a new trial because he wasn't given the opportunity to defend himself in the first proceeding.

At the second trial he was his own lawyer and this time was given an 80-year sentence.


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Incompetent Counterfeiter


Posted by Kristen on 13-Aug-2005
Incompetent Counterfeiter
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.

He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Taking the Genera's Temprature


Posted by Ashley E. Volling on 13-Aug-2005
Taking the Genera's Temprature
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don`t move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you," and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"


   

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