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():holiday jokes (333): Top 16 signs you hired a bad firewokrs expert |
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid |
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| Posted by Tiffany on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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| Posted by Little Angel Me on 13-Aug-2005 | Seattle Thanksgiving DaySEATTLE'S TURKEY DAY ETIQUETTE
It's been 145 years since the first white settlers landed at Alki Beach at Thanksgiving time, took one look at the overcast skies and the sodden, rain-soaked West Seattle terrain, and burst into tears.
(History, alas, doesn't record the response of the Native Americans when they spotted those tear-drenched settlers. But they probably were too polite to laugh out loud.)
In the intervening years, the first residents and the settlers have worked out the rules for Thanksgiving, Puget Sound style. Here they are, recently updated by an ad hoc Turkey Day committee:
DRESS CODE. Thanksgiving Day guests will arrive wearing Seattle tuxes: clean jeans, turtleneck sweaters and down jackets with weathered ski-lift tags. Hiking boots are optional.
CONVERSATION'S GAMBIT. Topics will include: 1) the election; 2) previous elections; and, 3) the next election. Several arguments will ensue before the host or hostess declares politics 'off-limits.'
CLEANERS' COROLLARY. Spills will happen in direct proportion to the staining capacity of the dish (cranberry sauce rates high) and the expense of dry cleaning the garment.
CHRISTMAS CONVENTION. If you are attending a family gathering, expect this reminder: 'Don't forget to bring your Christmas list to Thanksgiving dinner.'
MEOW'S MOMENT. The family cat will appear long enough to 1) shed hair on anyone wearing a black or navy-blue sweater; 2) perch on the lap of whoever most dislikes cats; and, 3) insist on sharing the smoked-salmon hors d'oeuvres.
OLD-TIMERS' LAMENT. Some oldster in the group will remark that it's a rotten shame there's no longer a Turkey Day football game between Puget Sound and Seattle high-school champs.
ELBOW'S LAW. Local custom calls for every left-handed diner to be seated to the right of a right-handed diner, maximizing chances for spills.
PORCELAIN'S PROGRESS. At least two different patterns of dinnerware must be visible on Puget Sound tables during every course.
SALAD LAW. Tossed salads supplied by guests will arrive with an excess of moisture, supplied by ambient rainfall. If the day is merely overcast, the host or hostess should add water before serving.
MOLDED SALAD LAW. Guaranteed to do one of three things: contain miniature marshmallows, fail to unmold properly, or slide off the serving plate onto the lap of one of the diners.
GRAVY'S CONSTANT. The silver gravy boat -- a wedding present from Great Aunt Emma and Uncle Ed -- will vanish before the meal. It will show up next summer when you're searching for beach towels.
TURKEY'S GRIPE. One vegetarian guest will complain about the fare, saying, 'Why can't we ever have tofu au gratin?'
PIE'S PARADOX. Provide two kinds of pie and diners will either decline or ask for 'a sliver of both.'
POLLYANNA'S PRINCIPLE. Guests will include one orphan, someone from out of town who can't make it home. If no orphan is available, the family oddball can substitute.
REFRIGERATOR'S RULE. After all guests depart, at least one never-served dish will turn up in the refrigerator.
DEPARTURE'S RULE. Some guests will arrive very early; some will show up late. But they'll all leave at the same time.
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| Posted by Kenter on 11-Aug-2005 | Butterball Turkey Talk-Line...Butterball Turkey Talk-Line...
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (''Will it cook faster if I drive faster?''), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!
Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called ''Turkey Central'' for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.
Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, ''How do you thaw a fresh turkey?'' The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.
Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the ''Be prepared'' motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.
Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, ''On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can't.'' (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, ''I don't know, it's still running around outside.''
Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting tim
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| Posted by Mr HaHa Man on 11-Aug-2005 | Thanksgiving to do listThanksgiving to do list from Martha Stewart...
Blanch the carcass from your Thanksgiving turkey, taking care to remove all meat, cartilage and sinew.Dry carcass thoroughly. Spray paint the carcass gold, turn it upside down, and use it as a sleigh to hold holiday greeting cards.
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers and elf uniforms.
Deflate your car tires and re-fill them with Glade Holiday Scented air.This way, when your tires get shot out or slashed at the mall, they will release a fresh, cheery scent.
Organize your spice rack by genus and phylum.
When you receive your new phone book, use the old one as a personal address book by simply crossing out the names and addresses of people whom you don't know.
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| Posted by Blindy Rox on 11-Aug-2005 | Other ways to useOther ways to use the Thanksgiving turkey...
As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, ''Aren't they a wonderful band!'' for the 25th time.
As a hood ornament.
As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, ''How much you've grown!''
As a football for the after-meal game.
One word... bowling!
As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
As a gift/bribe for a professor.
As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
Makes a great doggie chew toy.
Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.
An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.
A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.
Bury in the yard for future midnight snacks.
If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.
Wear as a helmet, declaring, ''I'm TURKEYMAN!''
Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.
Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.
Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking foul!
Throw the turkey out the window yelling, ''You're FREE! Fly! FLY!''
Two words: Turkey puppet.
Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock.
Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.
From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!
As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.
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