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():top list jokes (540): Top 16 Signs Your Kids Have Been Watching too Much 'Jerry Springer' |
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| Posted by EmptyF_1 on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 16 Signs Your Kids Have Been Watching too Much 'Jerry Springer'16) During Sunday sermon, they hold a palm up to the pastor and say, "Talk to the hand!"
15) Every night at the dinner table, it's the same routine: "Eat your vegetables!" ....and the chairs go flying.
14) You've had to replace the babysitter with three burly stagehands.
13) Dinner topic: "Teenage boys who hide 'Playboy' under their mattresses."
12) Junior's new mastery of the headlock has made him the star of his high school debate team.
11) Have evolved from playing "Doctor" to "Plastic Surgeon specializing in Male Enlargement."
10) They want to know why they only live in a house instead of a double-wide trailer.
9) At the dinner table, little Billy announces a surprise guest: your secretary/mistress.
8) Your Elvis shrine ain't been Endusted in two weeks.
7) Her tendency to hop up on tables, tear her shirt open and dance suggestively has gotten you banned from more than one Chuck E. Cheese.
6) Your youngest has stopped calling you "Mommy" in favor of "Crack-ho."
5) Math: C-
History: D+
English: F
Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: A+
4) Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair over your head.
3) Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for Cabbage Patch Kids.
2) During that "little talk" with Junior, you're forced to admit that you don't know if hermaphrodites are "birds" or "bees."
1) Poor Ken just found out he hasn't been dating Barbie, but GI Joe in drag.
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| Posted by Hells Littlest Angel on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars"1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"
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():top list jokes (540): Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back" |
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| Posted by Galia K. Madjarova on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"
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():top list jokes (540): Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi" |
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| Posted by Salman S. Dossa on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"1. "Rise, my friend."
2. "Open the back door!"
3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
4. "It's just a dead animal..."
5. "Not bad for a little furball."
6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."
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():top list jokes (540): How to Annoy Other People -- or just have fun at the expense of others |
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| Posted by NINER on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Annoy Other People -- or just have fun at the expense of others1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
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| Posted by Amy Hakwkins on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Least Scary Stephen King Novels12. The Dustbunnies
11. Balder
10. Bag of Scones
9. Fitful Sleep, Probably Caused by Too Many Anchovies
8. Choirstarter
7. Cujo 2: Yo Quiero Taco Bell
6. The Whining
5. The Tummy-Grumblers
4. Children of the Kornbergs
3. Pet Seminary
2. Carrie-Okie
1. The Mommyknockers
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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