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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves |
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| Posted by sam bennett on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves10. Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin
9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
8. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most Wanted"
7. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal
6. That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School
4. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
3. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
2. Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
1. Two words: lap rash
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| Posted by Kimberly M. Owens on 13-Aug-2005 | Santa and MJWhy is Michael Jackson pissed at Santa Claus?
Because he refuses to sell his list of naughty boys!
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage |
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| Posted by Prabesh Neupane on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants......
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():holiday jokes (333): Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't |
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| Posted by Bob J. Blob on 13-Aug-2005 | Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't - Talk about a huge breast!"
- Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
- "It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?"
- "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
- "Just lay back and take it easy. I'll do the rest."
- "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
- "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
- "Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it."
- "Don't play with your meat."
- "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
- "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
- "You'll know when it's ready when it pops up."
- "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
- "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
- "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
- "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
- "It's Cool Whip time!"
- "You still have a little bit on your chin."
- "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
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| Posted by Stew pidaso on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Atheist Holiday Songs14> O Little Town of Birmingham
13> I Don't Fear What You Fear
12> Oh, Krispy Kreme
11> Angels I Have Heard While High
10> Grandma Got Run Over By a Train, Dear
9> Oh Come *On*, All Ye Faithful!
8> Silent Night. Total F**king Silence.
7> Hark! The Victoria's Secret Angels Jiggle
6> We Kiss You a Mahir Christmas
5> Livin' La Vida Loca -- not that it has anything to do with atheism, but that Ricky Martin is HOT!
4> Whose Kid is This?
3> O Stoli Night
2> Amway -- I'm a Manager
1> Got Breasts, Ye Merry Gentlemen?
[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 New Year's Resolutions of Top5 Contributors |
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| Posted by DODGY DUDE on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 New Year's Resolutions of Top5 Contributors
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
15. Fight global hunger... starting with this Ding Dong.
14. Gain 20 pounds and keep smoking. Hey, at least I'll *keep* my resolutions for once.
13. Give up the repetitive, unfunny catchphrases and write some real jokes this year. On second thought, that ain't no tofu burrito, Chester, and I *am* happy to see you so I KISS YOU!!!
12. Quit squeezing pimples, especially other people's.
11. Pamper my colon: Eat more fiber!
10. Work on building buns of mush to fit in better at next year'sTop5 Contributor Convention.
9. Try to tone down the sexual magnetism.
8. I resolve not to take 10-15 items through the "5 Item or Less"lane at the supermarket.
7. Use my power of humor only for good.
6. Whip it. Whip it good.
5. Attempt to do some of that "work" crap my boss keeps yammering about.
4. Say "Thank You" afterwards -- because even goats appreciate abit of courtesy.
3. One word: sunlight
2. I prefer making resolutions for other people: Jan, lose 30 pounds; Phil, give me better performance reviews; and Linda, stop hiding your aching lust for me behind a mask of indifference.
1. I resolve to finally give in and join my fellow contributors by going down on the Top 5 list moderator in exchange for that coveted #1 spot.
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